The cynicism of dating....

frankie · 16-08-06 04:00:03

When I was 14 I was spending a lot of time with a boy I had met at an underage rave. We skated together a few times and hung out at his house. In truth he had the hottest older sister imaginable. When he officially asked if I wanted to "go round with him" I didn't know how to explain I was more attracted to his sister so I told him that I was far too busy to have a boyfriend. I mean honestly how busy can you be at 14

The_Elfman · 16-08-06 09:54:27

frankie wrote:

When I was 14 I was spending a lot of time with a boy I had met at an underage rave. We skated together a few times and hung out at his house. In truth he had the hottest older sister imaginable. When he officially asked if I wanted to "go round with him" I didn't know how to explain I was more attracted to his sister so I told him that I was far too busy to have a boyfriend. I mean honestly how busy can you be at 14

You have brought up a good point in the dating game frankie. How do you go about finding same sex dates if your a gay/bisexual adolescent? I’ve never heard of gay “Youth Clubs” or anything similar. If you like someone how do you tell if they are of the same sexual persuasion? On top of the usual fear of rejection there has to be the added fear of being “outed” and we all know how vicious adolescents can be to anyone who is not part of the herd. The prospect of approaching someone must be terrifying.

Elfman

frankie · 16-08-06 13:07:58

The_Elfman wrote:

You have brought up a good point in the dating game frankie. How do you go about finding same sex dates if your a gay/bisexual adolescent? I’ve never heard of gay “Youth Clubs” or anything similar.

Actually there are events for gay/bi youths now. Really important social gatherings. The wider community offer fundraising support to them. There are also gay youth theatre groups and support groups.

When I was a teenager however, in a small town you wouldn't dare mention the word so it was hard. I made a lot of mistakes, had some traumatic experiences, then fell in love deeply with a girl who fell in love with me so the world didn't matter anymore (at least until she broke my heart, but that's another story )

The_Elfman wrote:

If you like someone how do you tell if they are of the same sexual persuasion?

Yeah it's not always obvious. In fact it is getting less obvious. Image used to be a huge part of lesbian identity but the lines and images are getting more blurred by the day. My gaydar fails me sometimes when it never used to. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that sexuality is becoming more fluid. Also it is no longer a necessity of safety that we only frequent gay establishments and gay venues are becoming more mixed, so you just don't know.

I'd like to think that all of the work done by activists like myself and those who have gone before me have made it a little easier and safer for adolescents today. But I live in an inner city bubble and haven't been in an outer suburb schoolyard for a long time so who knows?

Last edited by frankie (16-08-06 13:09:24)

Will · 16-08-06 14:44:50

Well, taking this back to the original point I was making, I've decided to just remove myself from the situation. That's not to say that I'm actively avoiding the idea of meeting someone. It simply means I'm avoiding the the process of actively looking.

With regards the girls I've met recently, it's a shame in a way. They are lovely girls, and I/we had fun. However, I can just tell that from my point of view it would a waste of time persuing anything. I can't do it. I never really have. I feel like a bit of a bastard at the moment as I feel that I should be obliged to follow up on these "dates" and not just simply remove myself. I feel bad as if I might have hurt another person's feelings, which would never be my attention, but then on the same thought process I realise that that idea is quite arrogant. It was just a night out. Life goes on, and I am under no real obligation to do anything, so.....

It's just not for me. My dating history is a strange one, and a little unorthodox to say the least. I've written about aspects of it on IFM before. I've been a poor boyfriend before. I have cheated (though I've never forgiven myself for that so please, I don't need any comments), I've been lazy, and I've held back far too often. However, looking back I realise that I've only ever really liked girls whom I knew (or thought) I had little chance with. Not because they have been too beautiful/funny/clever for me. I don't believe there are people out there who are "out of my league", and it's self defeating to believe there are. I simply mean that either they haven't really liked me in the same way, or that any relationship would have no real future (due to outside circumstances). Anyone that has really liked me, I've never really been fair to. I seem to have a bit of a masochistic streak about me when it comes to women.

Hence the reason that dating simply doesn't work for me. In my mind it's over before it's already began, and therefore entirely self-defeating. I don't know if it is the dating aspect that's cynical or really just me, though it would seem the latter. I think I'll just keep to myself untill my next infatuation comes around.

Last edited by Will (16-08-06 14:48:07)

blissed · 16-08-06 19:44:17

Hey I had a paper round until I was 16, how crap is that!! then I worked in a supermarket. God, I would've loved to sell drugs Your life has been soooo much luckier than mine!!!!

.

Last edited by blissed (16-08-06 19:46:14)

blissed · 17-08-06 03:49:50

Ha ha liandra that was naughty

Burlesque · 17-08-06 19:34:34

Poor Blissed, once more speaking to someone who isn't there.

Burlesque.

bodyhead · 17-08-06 20:32:44

Will wrote:

I like the chase, I admit that.

Just a personal opinion, but maybe therein lies your problem. I've heard that phrase many times before, and it makes me think of the woman as prey.

Maybe I misunderstand.

Will · 18-08-06 12:23:57

But that's not how I l think of women. It's hard to describe exactly, but I'll give it a shot.

I don't see women as prey. I don't see them as something to chase and win over, only to throw away once aquired. I regret if that's the impression I've given.

To explain it a little better I would say that I just like the whole period where you are all a little unsure about where you stand. You meet someone, you like someone, you look forward to meeting them again and feel nervous about it. You wonder about what you have said and how it's been taken on board, and also what the other person has said..... you get the idea. It's the whole build up which I like. Now I would love for a period like that to end up in a payoff in the end. To actually build into something more. I've been unfortunate over the past few years in that I haven't been that lucky. However, without that attraction to someone, and that build up and excitment caused by horrible horrible uncertainty then I just can't seem to get myself interested.

Go figure.

Last edited by Will (18-08-06 12:36:55)

aven frey · 19-08-06 03:32:26

The_Elfman wrote:

(Actually Max thought my profile was "interesting". That's the kiss of death when a woman says that about you ).
Elfman

ELFMAN!!!! I didn't say it in inverted comma's!!!

aven frey · 19-08-06 03:39:08

frankie wrote:

I'd like to think that all of the work done by activists like myself and those who have gone before me have made it a little easier and safer for adolescents today. But I live in an inner city bubble and haven't been in an outer suburb schoolyard for a long time so who knows?

I remember when I was high school in the burbs (granted it was a while ago) one of my friends was 'branded' a lesbian and this was supposed to be some great insult. I actually had a dream last night that I was at this schools reunion and I told everyone I was a lesbian to start a fight and then we had to have barn door races. Not sure where the barn door races came from!

Adagio · 20-08-06 15:58:54

Yea, what exactly are barn door races? All kinds of weird images come to mind that could only be true if I were halucinating, which in that case wouldn't make them true.

Last edited by 1sttptr (20-08-06 16:57:31)

Burlesque · 20-08-06 20:12:11

max wrote:

The_Elfman wrote:
(Actually Max thought my profile was "interesting". That's the kiss of death when a woman says that about you ).
Elfman
ELFMAN!!!! I didn't say it in inverted comma's!!!

When a woman says "interesting" about a man, the inverted commas are like the halo around the sun: the sun doesn't mean for it to be there, but it's there just the same . Men are such sensitive creatures ...

And what are barn door races anyway?

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (20-08-06 20:13:28)

aven frey · 21-08-06 02:07:42

well to be honest its just a name I gave to some weird racing game my subconscious came up with. We were in groups of about 5 and we had to run through these corridor like spaces and open big barn doors every say 50 metres. Hey West Wind what'd you make of that???

aven frey · 21-08-06 02:09:57

Burlesque wrote:

When a woman says "interesting" about a man, the inverted commas are like the halo around the sun: the sun doesn't mean for it to be there, but it's there just the same . Men are such sensitive creatures ...
Burlesque.

I know but I didn't just say interesting, I said all manner of other things and interesting just happened to be in there to!!! But come on! what kinda Elf isn't interesting!!!

The_Elfman · 21-08-06 09:08:26

max wrote:

I know but I didn't just say interesting, I said all manner of other things and interesting just happened to be in there to!!!

Yes she did bless her. She said some very nice things. Actually I'd rather be "interesting" than "hot" at my time of life. It wears better .

Thanks for you support Max.

Elfman

Last edited by The_Elfman (21-08-06 09:08:50)

Will · 21-08-06 10:31:07

Well this thread went a bit weird.

Warmtouch · 21-08-06 20:03:08

If you're interesting you'll probably stay interesting. Interesting people generally stay interesting. Hot people, alas, don't stay hot, for the most part. (It depends on what makes them hot in the first place.)

Emma Thompson has said that she's glad she was never a sex bomb, because it means she'll still get scripts when she's 50, whereas Cameron Diaz (for example) can't count on it.

Mind you, I wouldn't turn down a tumble with Emma Thompson if I got the chance...

Burlesque · 21-08-06 20:37:01

If interesting means interesting, you are undoubtedly correct, Warmtouch, but if interesting means "get out of my face, you sorry son of a bitch", it is a very sad prospect indeed to remain that interesting for the rest of one's life . Fortunately, I'm not terribly interesting, as you all know.

Who in their right mind would kick Emma Thompson out of bed? I would get comfy with her even if she looked the way she did in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" ... though not, perhaps, the way she looked as the psychotic homeless looney in "Angels in America".

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (21-08-06 20:57:15)

The_Elfman · 21-08-06 21:14:11

Warmtouch wrote:

Mind you, I wouldn't turn down a tumble with Emma Thompson if I got the chance...

I just had this flash of fantasy about Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh in bed. Ken is just about to go down on her when he suddenly stops, looks up at her and says "Darling, Darling I'm sorry but what is my motivation here again?".

Elfman.

#26 16-08-06 04:00:03

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#27 16-08-06 09:54:27

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#28 16-08-06 13:07:58

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