Sleeping with a friend

M3ad0wman · 25-07-11 21:36:28

Hi all, what sort of ground rules would experienced "friends-with-benefits" suggest to those new to this concept?

I've recently embarked on such a journey with a long-standing, single female friend (we've known each other for 15 years) but she is having difficulties discussing the aftermath of our first night together i.e. I'm being avoided. It's a great shame as it embodied immense fun, intimacy and a surprising sexual compatability.

Kind regards. J

blissed · 25-07-11 23:52:34

Hi, I can only speculate and there just isn't enough information to do that usefully. You could try messaging her on facebook and asking why she's uncomfortable and say your still her friend. It's much easier for her to reply in text than face to face.

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carstuff1000 · 26-07-11 06:41:02

Honesty, openess & sincerity. Communicate the old fasioned way, write her a letter telling her how much you enjoyed her company and would like to see her again. There's something about real letters which is very personal, sweet and romantic.

viva · 26-07-11 06:55:37

I'm with carstuff on this one. If she feels confused and needs time to consider something like that, a rapid text or in-person confrontation could be overwhelming - but if you make no move, it could be easy to pretend it never happened, not knowing how else to handle the situation. A letter, on the other hand, would take time to be delivered, could be opened and absorbed in her time, and gives you time to communicate eloquently without pushing her - which is your right. One possibility is that she values your friendship and prefers that it remain non-sexual, but doesn't want to hurt or disappoint you. Either way, when she receives your letter the ball's in her court. It can be a relief to be able to communicate without confrontation.

M3ad0wman · 26-07-11 09:25:21

Many thanks for the replies

Openness, honesty and sincerity are what I was trying to instil through conversations at the outset but my friend finds it difficult communicating from the heart so freely. So, after a few drinks one evening we just dived-in and are left with the consequences!

Writing a letter sounds like a great idea - that would obviously give me plenty of time to process my feelings carefully and give her time to absorb the information gently. I would much rather keep the friendship non-sexual than lose the friendship altogether so that will be important to communicate.

On a more general level and with respect to honesty, I have to take some responsibility and admit that I felt myself wanting much more than just a friendship after sleeping together and I understand that is a classic issue (oxytocin is it?). I guess this goes back to what I mentioned about discussing ground rules at the outset – be honest and sincere about one’s emotions to find out what lies at the root of each person’s desire to sleep together – IS it just sex, or is there a deeper desire? If the reasons are different for each person, then there may be difficulties ahead. This isn’t easy is it?!!!

blissed · 26-07-11 11:33:56

I think writing a letter is a great idea too.
I didn't know about Oxytocin but have certainly felt it's effects it's a real get on with it and procreate mind bender involuntarily pushing you in the direction of someone you like and makes you kind of delusional thinking you'll never find another person like this when you will and you have before Saying that means absolutely nothing when your falling in love. but you've had 15 years of friendship to counter those feelings so your in a much better position than with someone you haven't known very long. Good luck.

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blissed · 29-07-11 21:13:08

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M3ad0wman · 29-07-11 22:52:10

Hi Blissed, thanks for the great cartoon and your description of oxytocin is remarkably accurate - I was definitely getting sucked-in for a while! I'm afraid I don't have any more news or enlightened discovery to share. I managed to speak to my friend very briefly but am none the wiser except that she enjoyed our night together & doesn't want a relationship. She has since gone abroad for 6 weeks, has no mailing address and has severed communication. Unfortunately the opportunity of writing a letter is not there so I'm happy to let her go. I'm sure our friendship will be fine after a while but it has been an interesting and slightly unpleasant journey into a new sexual domain. I really have to take my share of responsibility and I'm surprised at my naiivity considering my age! Honesty, openness & sincerity really does need to be shared at the outset! J

viva · 30-07-11 06:30:25

I always used to put an arbitrary number on the amount of times I could sleep with a guy before getting attached, say, 12 - no matter whether or not I was intellectually attracted, or interested in falling in love, it seems like my body just makes a habit out of someone if I sleep with them a certain number of times in a row. This is the problem for maintaining a friends with benefits kind of sitch... No matter how we tried to stay detached one or the other of us - usually me - would fall for the other, hard. While I like casual sex there is a certain tradgedy in taking love off the table. It seems like by having the Talk we try to rule out the thrill of uncertainty and the hope of unrestaired emotion... Of course while it works it amazing but I've found that these things generally end in someone getting hurt in a cold way. I prefer a proper love affair, where two people can throw all caution to the wind and love each other silly, and fully, even though the time may be short. The bittersweet ending can be more intensely painful but in the end it is a deeply romantic experience, rather than grey areas and restraint leading to an ultimately awkward rejection...

M3ad0wman · 30-07-11 12:05:27

Hi Viva, always great to hear your input - a great mind if I ever ‘saw’ one..... And rather gorgeous too (raises neck of t-shirt to allow heat to escape....)

Interesting to hear of your arbitrary number.... never even considered that before. 12 seems quite a large number to me but I’m sure that’s personal and would probably be dependent on those involved, how hot they are, intellectual compatibility etc. On reflection I always seemed to have been the one who wasn’t fussed about the attachment – now it’s come back to bite ME on the proverbial behind!!!!

I wonder if the friends-with-benefits concept actually can exist long-term? If not then your arbitrary number is obviously a great idea. Just imagine if that number was determined mutually at the start – how hot would those 12 sexual liaisons be?!!!! Especially the last one – I think I’d take the next day off in advance!

I’ve been giving more thought to the psychological dynamic with my friend and after our sexual foray, it has very quickly returned to its natural state of equilibrium as it has done for the last 5 years or so. I feel as though my friend gives little value to my achievements, intellectually (we both have Masters Degrees) and physically (we both take part in a myriad of extreme sports), and emotionally (I chase and offer support and praise, she teases and recoils). For some reason I thought that maybe a passionate night together might change things – a sort of “So what did you think of that?!” But no. I thought I’d made the ultimate display of my affection, and she has made the ultimate display of devaluing my offering..... Mmmmm?

The Talk – what was that phrase? “Love like you’ve never been hurt....” If only it was that easy! Sometimes I liken periods of being single or sexually inactive to living in black & white, as opposed to colour. You still see all things both good and bad, but in colour you see both in a much more vivid experience!

And of love. It’s fascinating and refreshing to hear of love and romance in your words Viva, as sometimes maybe this can seem a little lost in the torrid and sexually-charged environment that is IFM. I think that is just great.

Last edited by M3ad0wman (31-07-11 09:32:43)

blissed · 30-07-11 15:21:29

Be better to count the orgasms Tick them off on a piece of paper.

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blissed · 30-07-11 19:08:51

If you were to write a story by adding sex to romance then you'd descibe real life.

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M3ad0wman · 01-08-11 19:44:22

Mmmm.... maybe you have something there with the orgasms!

TZO2K10 · 11-08-11 07:36:38

blissed wrote:

http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll9/ … -email.jpg
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@ Blissed:

Best response ever!

Last edited by TZO2K10 (11-08-11 07:37:44)

#1 25-07-11 21:36:28

Sleeping with a friend

#2 25-07-11 23:52:34

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#3 26-07-11 06:41:02

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#4 26-07-11 06:55:37

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#5 26-07-11 09:25:21

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#6 26-07-11 11:33:56

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#7 29-07-11 21:13:08

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#8 29-07-11 22:52:10

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#9 30-07-11 06:30:25

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#10 30-07-11 12:05:27

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#11 30-07-11 15:21:29

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#12 30-07-11 19:08:51

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#13 01-08-11 19:44:22

Re: Sleeping with a friend

#14 11-08-11 07:36:38

Re: Sleeping with a friend

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