Are adult dating sites actually any good?

elliotmtl · 07-07-11 03:13:54

So I'm a complete virgin, never even kissed or been kissed, and I want to change that. But, I'm not really one for the typical young adult social scene...I don't drink, I don't listen to any of the typical music genres, the only places I might accidentally meet a girl are like the library, or taking a walk in a park or something. I want to be proactive however, so I am considering writing a profile on some or other adult dating site but I'm not quite sure how to proceed, and I'm not really sure if they're worth the effort...any experiences anyone? I'm more interested in someone to play around with and have (sexual but not ONLY sexual) fun with...not a long term commitment, because I barely know anything about life even though I think I know everything. I feel like I'm too innocent and naive and I VALUE my naivety in some ways (lol I feel like that last bit is something a girl would be more likely to say) so I want to find girls that will respect that, I guess I would have to represent myself in such a way that people who wouldn't respect that would be turned off by my profile. Gosh I don't even know what I'm trying to say, so if you don't know either just answer the title question

viva · 07-07-11 03:40:00

funny we were just talking about this yesterday - adult dating sites and finding no-strings sex on the webs.

I think the answer to your question has a lot to do with really working out what you're looking for from a woman. NSA sex is not as easy as it sounds even when you're quite versed in your own sexuality, and can quickly get complicated especially if you are engaging in your first sexual experiences while trying to remain emotionally independent of your partner. I don't know for everyone, but when I was a virgin every first was a huge event for me and I turned into a crazy slobbering love-monster with every new kiss.

Dating doesn't necessarily need to lead to long-term commitment, remember. It can be as you describe - fun and playful, sexual but not only sexual.

what are you really looking for?

elliotmtl · 07-07-11 04:01:29

Oh hi, its the Viva herself
What I am really looking for is someone or someones that I like (relatively broad category, I like almost all women that are reasonably healthy,have a positive attitude, and aren't too fake or made up), that likes me (also not hard, I've barely met anyone in my life who disliked me, but they have to respect my boundaries and beliefs), with whom I can share sweetness and light. I'm really not particular besides that, I just want to learn and experience things and use my sexuality to make some girls' lives brighter and happier, until I decide I'm done with it and want to move on to whatever is next in my artisty/creative/world-change life. I really don't intend to have a normal marriage-and-children future in any foreseeable path my life might take, so I have considered simply giving up my sexuality and sexual desires and using all my energies to do other things...but I figured that I've spent so much time learning about female sexuality from places like IFM, and I've had such a dark and guilt-ridden sexual past that I would rather try to use the former to create a happy ending to the latter. If I gave up my sexuality now I think I would always feel like I was missing something, and that would make it harder to give up, and I would probably waste years of my life doing nothing sexually but sitting around watching IFM videos...not that there's anything wrong with that, but I am such a sweet, friendly affectionate person (at least on the inside, years of emotional abuse and neglect have hardened me a bit on the outside but it easily rubs off around kind people)...that I want to do more with my life, give myself to girls and make them happy, because there's really nothing better in life than making someone I like happy.

I'm sure I sound a little odd, but, I am a little odd. Thanks for taking the time to read

carstuff1000 · 07-07-11 08:40:16

I joined Dateline, a dateing site in the UK once, it was OK. Met some nice girls, but it did'nt work out long term wise. I stayed a member for 6 months. I've since spoken to quite a few ladies who have told me they met their partners through dateing agencies and are are happy with the results. Dateing agencies are mainstream now, people talk about them more openly. I think that adult dateing sites are OK to use also, but obviously be careful be very careful, read between the lines and use your common sense.

blissed · 07-07-11 15:09:50

Eliot if you've never had any sexual contact I recommend you go to a sexual health clinic and get immunised against HPV the virus that is quite prevalent and is spread by skin to skin contact and which in some causes genital warts and in a very few others causes later cancers. The vaccine is called Gardasil and costs £350 for the course of 3 jabs over 6 months, but is well worth it. After even 6 months the £350 will be forgotten and you'll have life immunity.

A complete sexual health check will find out if your immune to hepatitis B too and if your not, the clinic will recommend a vaccination for that which in England is free and in other places costs about £20.

If you have both those jabs you have six months between the 1st and the laat one in which time you can search safe sex practices and decide your acceptable risk level. Yeah it's a good idea to get youself a sexual health check to prepare you for having sex. They'll test you for pretty much all the STi's as some aren't exclusively sexually transmitted and if by chance you've got one and it goes untreated, you risk transmiting it unwittingly to someone else through sex.

Here's a useful and generally awesome website http://dodsonandross.com/

Let us know how you get on.

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Last edited by blissed (07-07-11 20:47:54)

elliotmtl · 07-07-11 20:59:57

Thanks for the good advice blissed and carstuff

blissed · 08-07-11 01:26:30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JolAdT5adfM

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viva · 08-07-11 01:58:10

I have a friend in your situation, Elliot. He has delayed losing his virginity to the point where it is a big obstacle and will be a hefty responsibility for the girl who ends up being his first partner, as he has built up a lot of mental and emotional clutter around penis-in-vagina. The more he puts stress on the situation. the harder it is for him to interact normally with girls.

You mention a dark and guilty sexual past, which implies that you're not really able to bring sweetness and light to the sex table straight off. First, I'd imagine that you have some work to do with a consenting partner, which means 1 of two things - either your partner loves you compassionately enough to do that work with you, or you engage a therapeutic sex worker/surrogate to help you explore your partnered sexuality.

I would recommend engaging an understanding, empathic sex surrogate, or being upfront about your situation with whoever you find on an adult dating site. Whatever you do it would be a shame to get yourself into an uncomfortable situation, as you deserve an open healthy sexuality.

I have always used craigslist to find sex in clever ways - never from casual encounters (though thats good masturbation fodder) but by meeting people through other parts of the website. I banged a guy who sold me a car, another guy who chopped some wood for me in the wintertime. I would feel safe leaving a well-worded ad there if I were looking for a sex worker.

OKCupid is also pretty awesome for me, people there are very open to any kind of engagement and that lends itself to not-dating-not-sex-both-or-neither kind of interaction. With any dating site, women will get heaps of messages and men will have to send heaps of messages. That's unfortunately kind of the way it goes.

check out okcupid's blog for some interesting dating site stats.

blissed · 08-07-11 02:34:38

There's a few sites like this popping up,

http://www.mrright.com.au/

http://www.ladieshoesme.com/

Be interesting to see if the dynamic in any relationships formed this way is different. This is anecdotal but you hear lots of guys say "she is my everything" and not many women. This line came up in the grooms dinner speech at a wedding a couple of months ago and the line in her speech was "I know he loves me" Who ever does the choosing has got what they want, who ever is chosen has awarded the prize to the best that came along and quite often it shows.

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elliotmtl · 08-07-11 02:39:32

to Viva:
Well, I don't really have any stress about my situation, I don't really care what happens and it certainly has no effect on my ability to interact with girls, I'm not shy and I just want to explore and have adventures with people.

What you say about finding someone empathetic who can help work with me, is quite in line with my own thoughts on the matter, so you have kindly confirmed that I am on the right track

I am in the USA so I don't know if I'd feel quite as safe using craigslist, I feel like Australia is a bit more sane and wise than my country, at least its younger generations...especially in the area of sexuality...after all, with far less pre-existing "porn industry" resources you are already producing far better, more respectful, intelligent and even artistically brilliant erotica than anything my country has every produced...it's quite sad really, from the USA's point of view, I feel like I was born in the wrong country, heh

But I will check out OKCupid, thanks for the suggestion.

Last edited by elliotmtl (08-07-11 02:40:34)

viva · 08-07-11 03:26:05

Hehe, I am from the US and I can tell you that craigslist doesn't really function here in australia. There's a lot of creeps on CL but there's a lot of creeps everywhere. Good luck, definitely check out OkC.

carstuff1000 · 09-07-11 04:26:20

Okcupid very interesting. IFM very educational (aswell as sexy).

domC · 10-07-11 03:58:23

I'm on OKC, but I've had some pretty dodgy results. Pro-tip: most women on there won't message you, so you need to be proactive and message them. You get extra points if your message isn't just some variation on "hot photos" or "how u doin?" The questions the site makes you answer to give you a match percentage with other users are often really vague and limiting - lots of things about religion, for example, which may or may not be a big deal for you but depending on how you answer the questions, they can potentially block you from other users or give you a skewed match-rating with others. I've had the most luck searching for people with similar interests (though the site's search mechanism's pretty dodgy and won't let you search for phrases on people's profiles, only individual words).

With all of that said: I'm a shy, introverted lady who tends to balk over most interactions, so potentially what I'm saying here is more relevant to me and less to someone who's game and generally happy-go-lucky. My housemate, who is a mirror image of me with all things social and dating, has had some interesting results with OkC and has met quite a few people on there, so it's not all bad.

The most luck I've had with any online dating type websites has actually been on Fetlife, the fetish equivalent of Facebook. I think that has something to do with all the protocols of the fetish scene offering some basic structure and guidelines that help people to overcome the initial awkwardness of dating. I went through a six month period where I tried to meet as many people as possible on there, but then got bored and haven't really been involved since.

(I just read over all of that and realised it's overwhelming negative. Fuck I'm a sadsack - please ignore me and frolic forth into the exciting world of online dating!)

carstuff1000 · 10-07-11 07:02:32

domC, great post, enjoyed reading.

elliotmtl · 10-07-11 15:45:14

domC wrote:

You get extra points if your message isn't just some variation on "hot photos" or "how u doin?")

Really? Who would have thought??

But seriously, that is all nice advice, thank you

viva · 11-07-11 01:21:43

Maybe it's the way I've built my profile, but I almost never get "hey gurl lookin gd" on OKC which is one of the things which endeared me to it. I filled out all those questions so long ago that I can't remember if they were over religious, but I quite enjoy the resulting graphs and blog posts about people who eat oatmeal vs. people who like rough sex and other silly correlations drawn from that plethora of information.

nerve personals used to be cool - were they they same as okc? I cant remember.

I've heard great things about fetlife as well but when I went to explore I found a lot of older men and women super into the lifestyle where maybe I was looking for someone who could explore with me, I felt intimidated by the scene I guess.

Has anyone tried adultfriendfinder?

domC · 12-07-11 02:04:36

I actually deleted my first OkC profile because of the number of bullshit one-line messages I was getting and because my ex found my profile and we had the highest match rating of anyone I had seen up to that point (which is not surprising, but still enough to make me feel shitty and frustrated). When I decided to give it another go, I was really careful about how I worded my profile in an effort to try and turn people off sending thoughtless messages. Apparently, though, it's made little to no difference. Oh well - time to apply the "keep trying" mantra.

I had always assumed Nerve personals were limited to the US? Though, up until a year ago I had thought the same thing about OkC.

And Fetlife: there's a lot of groups for under 30s in different areas - and the under 30s groups tend to be where you will find people who are just experimenting or getting a feel for things. When I got on there, I developed a system - I'd join local communities and any local under 30s groups and try to go to as many fetish parties organised by those groups as I could, so I could watch people and get a feel for them before committing to anything. I was more interested in hooking up with older, more experienced people because I wanted someone who could teach me and I had a craving to experience some of the more full-on offerings (Electroplay! Fireplay! Flogging walls!) I knew, though, that it was important to try and meet other people like me, who weren't as experienced and who were sounding things out, which is where under 30s groups tended to help. Fetlife (or maybe fetish scenes in general?) is really predatory, though, so if you're female and roughly under 35, people tend to latch on to you almost immediately.

For some reason, Adult Friend Finder terrifies all fuck out of me. It looks like the most disgusting meat market. I just had a look at it now and the whole front page is full of photos of really young girls with names like "juicymellons00" and "naughtynicky". I think it's pretty telling when a dating website doesn't use photos of men anywhere in their advertising.

viva · 18-07-11 01:57:30

Talking about this makes me want to get into it again.. you're right about adultfriendfinder, isn't that the one that markets itself as "the facebook of sex"? It's most likely more of a porn site with a twist, or a place for sex-workers to meet johns. I doubt there are many girls looking for NSA sex there.

I had a glance at alt.net, which makes me uncomfortable a little bit as well. The men's profiles tend to have poorly spelled/cheesy names, and give me the impression they were created in a late-night horny frenzy, imagining some girl coming over to "submit" (ie suck them off) or "dominate" them (ie. suck them off while wearing fancy boots). I could be totally wrong, this is just from a glance at what I can see without signing up.

I think what I always liked about craigslist was the upfront seediness of it, the wall of dirty text (always more my thing than images which are often either too "romantic" to turn me on, or too porny to leave me aesthetically satisfied).. the anonymity.. the speed. I know that CL is famously horrible and frightening for mostly these reasons but it sure did give me a thrill, even without actually meeting anyone.

Mostly what I like about all this internet dating/sex is the randomness of it - the potential for events to occur and people to enter my life from much broader circles than I may generally travel in.

viva · 18-07-11 02:00:10

Ooh ohh, I forgot, what do you guys think about AshleyMadison!?

I remember the first time I was on the street in LA and saw one of their billboards - the hush finger over a sexy mouth and their tagline - "Life's short. Have an affair."

Xebeche · 18-07-11 07:27:08

I think ashley madison is for fucking scumbags. No, I've never been married, but if you're going to make a commitment for life, then stick by it.

blissed · 18-07-11 11:09:12

I got an internal fuck off response to that ad as well They have to change 100% like minded to 66% like minded to include the 33% of spouses cheated on.

I wonder if an agency for the polyamorous would make as much money. That would be cool. You get the excitement of new encounters and if affairs have become a fetish like almost public fucking, if you want to you can pretend your having an affair in the same way BDSM is pretend rape or torment.

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viva · 19-07-11 02:00:21

I can definitely think of some very hot scenarios involving infidelity. We like to think that the kind of taboo which makes things racier necessarily camps out within the happy umbrella of consent, honesty, and legality, but the fact is taboo is just whatever's generally unacceptable according to your peers, and the less acceptable the behaviour, the higher the risk. Risk is sexy, doing what everyone says you can't is sexy, etc.

So I had considered AshleyMadison as a tool for amplifying fantasies, I thought it sounded hot. An adventure plopped into the middle of your possibly stale sex life. A roleplaying aid, like Blissed said, a place to play affair. I thought it would be hot to fuck a married guy in this context somehow innocently assuming that no one would be stupid enough to have a truly deceptive affair with an internet trail this wide. if you want to hide it, I'd think Ashleymadison would be the last place to go.

Unfortunately upon taking a better look at the website and the wiki page it was impossible to continue in my happy lala world. This is an evil corporation which seeks to profit off the weakness of unhappily married couples who wish they could have a conversation but find it easier to lie instead. this website is not necessarily for scumbags who have been planning an affair or who have had one before - I reckon those folks would be a bit more calculated and clever than frequenting DearSpouseI'mCheatingOnYou.com. it's more oriented towards taking advantage of people who are unhappy and wish they could change their life but don't know how.

I don't necessarily consider marriage to be a sacred engagement, nor do I think that having an affair is automatically the ultimate betrayal of trust - lying about anything is wrong, and sometimes a conversation is more intimate than sex.

but this website is gross. they dangle millions in the faces of hard-up economies and try to get their "have an affair" slogan plastered all over cities. I can imagine a woman struggling with a hard day and a life full of difficult decisions getting on the "Life's short, fuck someone now" streetcar. It's all about money. no human interest there.

so yeah I concur. love-killing enabling myth-propagating scum. yuck.

blissed · 19-07-11 11:53:06

Actually thinking about polyamority you don't have to actually be polyamourus to benifit from the concept I think even the thought of a 3some or 3way is really good to conquer jealosy and those "be mine"ownership feelings when you percieve a sexual chemestry between your lover and someone else, because flirting is ambiguous, partly subconsious and it's circle has a very large overlap with just being friendly. I think simply visualising a 3some happening right there is the best way to conquer jeolousy.

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viva · 20-07-11 01:38:37

I don't know about conquering jealousy as its not my personal albatross at the moment, but for me even just discussing an open relationship - different from 3ways, for me and my partner - can be a balm on your run-of-the-mill commitment-phobia. I feel so much more secure being in a relationship when I know that by saying yes to this great, true love, I am not saying a defaulted 'no' to every other little love that may come my way. For some people, that 'no to all elses' is where the romance is, for me, it would just make it impossible for me to stay without feeling suffocated.

it is possible to have an open relationship even if you never have sex with anyone else.

blissed · 20-07-11 12:39:22

Yes because you haven't met or been able to realise any other little love that came your way That's a really nice way of putting it by the way.

I think a lot of people feel the way you do about not wanting to feel suffocated, including me, enjoying giving and receiving attention and love but not wanting our minds imprisoned so we can flirt and think about sex with who ever we like, and when it comes to turning the flirting into physical sex, being honest with our partner is the least we can do even just to acknowledge how it could effect their sexual health.

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#1 07-07-11 03:13:54

Are adult dating sites actually any good?

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