Personal Question/Advice

UpNorth79 · 26-08-10 02:47:38

This is a tad embarrassing, but I was wondering if it would be appropriate to ask for some personal advice from the members here. From what I've seen 99% of the members here are very open and welcoming, so I'm fairly sure I won't be judged for asking what's been bothering me. But I want to make sure it's okay to ask.

troyforyou · 26-08-10 03:25:59

I suppose that you can ask, so long as it is not, "How do I get a date with a contributor."

gala · 26-08-10 04:27:29

Can't really tell you until we know the question. So I suppose you'll find out once you ask it!

UpNorth79 · 26-08-10 06:42:44

Okay. Well, here's the situation. I'm 30 and my current girlfriend is 25. We've been together for a couple of months now, and she's still a virgin. I respect that and haven't pressured her into doing anything she doesn't want. I'll explore the boundaries, but when she says stop, I do. This involves doing a lot for her, orally, manually, etc. However, her reciprocation is lacking; which is frustrating to say the least. Now this develops into two problems.

1) I'm trying to find ways to open her horizons, without going over her boundaries. She says she hasn't done much by herself before this, which means she can't offer much guidance. She's expressed an interest in broadening her horizons, but has a mental block against it. Could anyone offer suggestions of what I can do to help her with this; besides being encouraging.

2) Prior to this relationship I went through even years of, lets say, involuntary celibacy. Despite this, the times she has tried to reciprocate in kind I've had trouble climaxing. I'm not sure if its her technique, which do to her inexperience is lacking; although I've tried to guide her along that. She's taken it in stride. This might be harder (no pun intended), but could anyone offer some suggestions on this front?

viva · 27-08-10 06:15:21

This is a difficult question, because we don't really know why you are with her. it seems like you are on completely different pages sexually, and you don't tell us how things are emotionally or intellectually. I assume they're good enough to put up with and even nourish her difficult sexuality, but its also possible you're selling yourself short, which is likely considering you had several years of celibacy prior. It's possible you're out of touch with your sexual value.

Knowing more about her and how she feels about things would help a lot with addressing your situation. So far what we know: she is a virgin, she has expressed interest in broadening her sexuality but (evidently) not as far as having intercourse, has some sort of sexual mental block (history of abuse? insecurity? what?), she seems to try to get you off for some reason (seems like shes not driven wild by your cock, or you would respond better even though she lacks technique) - so the reason is either guilt for receiving, feeling like she is 'supposed to', or just good old fashioned GGG.

To answer your first question I definitely need more info. its possible that gentle encouragement is less what she needs than a real on-the-level conversation, about how if she desires a mature sexual relationship (even without sex) then she needs to help you help her more actively get around this 'mental block'.

as for the 2nd question, you can easily put yourself in her place and imagine what you would like from your partner. in this case, a lot of verbal communication during sex is necessary. making her feel sexy and good while telling her how to be even better is what will get her technique improving. and the more you respond, the more passion and desire she will feel. it seems like you don't want to have to tell her what to do, and she probably doesn't want to feel condescended to in that respect either. so just the classic, "mm, yeah, just like that, squeeze it harder, again, yeah", and putting her hands where you want them, will probably be better than "ok, now you can put your hands on the base of my cock while you suck on as much of the rest as you can".

its hard to say because enthusiasm takes care of a lot of inexperience. if she really gets turned on by feeling your cock hard for her and giving you pleasure, you should feel that and be aroused even with her fumbling around and learning. is she scared? inhibited?over-excited?

sorry for my useless advice. here is one thing i can say for certain should help:
mutual masturbation. watch each other, and if she doesnt know how to pleasure herself, show her ifm and teach her, and take turns telling each other what to do, etc. she shouldnt be afraid of you helping yourself climax even when she is trying to take care of you, ive been with guys who were really difficult to make come, regardless of my technique or how much they wanted me. its ok for a man to help himself.... ah yeah more info necessary. i am probably 100% off-base.

v

xxEPxx · 28-08-10 03:12:26

That doesn't sound like useless advice to me, Viva!

I think if I had something on my mind, sexually, that I needed some help with, I would definitely feel comfortable asking for that help on here...

xxEPxx

UpNorth79 · 28-08-10 05:06:31

Viva, thanks for the response. Sorry about not giving enough info. It's hard to know what needs to be said and what is excess. As far as why I'm with her, it's obviously not the sex life :-) She's a wonderful person; warm, caring, fun to be around, beautiful. We didn't immediately click, actually she recently told me that until our fourth date she was planning on calling it off, but I apparently really came though there. Since then we've been fairly inseparable. I suppose we've come into our own as a couple. Emotionally we've had some recent problems, mainly rotating around her inability to open up emotionally. Whenever I'd compliment her or ask what she was thinking or what she was thinking she'd either clam up or make a joke. Recently, after realizing how much this hurt and upset me she started opening up, but continues to ask me to give her time and take it slow.

Regarding her. She's the fourth of five children, her youngest older sibling is ten years her senior (so there's a big difference there). Both of her older brothers had kids out of wedlock, which she's really worried about. Prior to our relationship she's only had two other "relationships." Both of which lasted less than a week after the guys in them tried pushing her farther and faster than she wanted to go. The first few times we were together she'd occasionally stop me. If I asked what was wrong, if it hurt, wasn't doing what I intended, etc she'd shake her head and say she needed to "get outside of her head." So essentially I'm not sure what her block is, and I haven't pushed too hard to find out, in the fear that could push her away.

In a, what I'd consider, major turn. The first problem is not so much of a problem anymore. I tried the advice offered by a family friend, showering together. She's been reluctant to do that before, but we went to the beach today, and upon getting back to my apartment I mentioned I wanted a shower to get the lake water washed off. She joined me, and helped me along and positioned me to enter her. Although, I'm sort of clumsy and had trouble standing up, so after we moved to the bedroom. She enjoyed it and says she has no regrets. Now we (me and her, not the rest of you) need to see how it will progress from here. But her sexual block seems to have moved, or at least shifted. Go figure it happens right after I post for advice.

However, the second problem still exists. To respond to some of your comments. She hasn't performed orally on me yet. She says she will "in time." I take this to mean that she's not quite comfortable with that yet, but hasn't ruled it out. Maybe now that things have progressed further with the other issue, this will too as well. Although to be honest, with me that is more of a "preview" than "feature presentation" and I've always had trouble climaxing with strictly oral stimulation. I've offered her some suggestions, which she's taken; such as which hand to use and how to position her hand (thumb up as opposed to thumb down). As of now the only time I've been able to climax with her has been through frottage; I believe that's the correct term (basically fully nude, non-penetrative sex).

I thought about some possible reasoning why I might have trouble climaxing. First I've noticed I have some of the same problems, although not as often, by myself. Which makes me wonder if its simply part of getting older (which is embarrassing to admit). Another is my last seven years of relying on myself could have desensitized me somehow. I'm uncircumcised if that makes a difference, and going through that procedure is not in the list of possibilities. One suggestion I'm going to try to use some sort of lube and having her focus more on the head to enhance stimulation.

Sorry if this is off on a tangent, but that factor (being uncircumcised) has led to other issues, such as finding properly fitting condoms. This doesn't appear to be an uncommon problem among uncut men, but from what I've seen online is that it is very difficult for others not in this position to understand. The majority of forums I've read about this usually result in circumcised buys making jokes about uncut guys as being too small. Honestly, at least in my opinion, this is no where near the truth. Once the foreskin is pulled down, the condom is rolled on fully, and the foreskin returns to cover the head there is only an inch or two of coverage (as most of the length of the condom is "lost" between the head and the foreskin). This further desensitizes me, and often leads to the condom "rolling off."

Anyway, sorry if I complicated this further or haven't answered your questions. This might be more than someone can simply advise on without being in the relationship/situation. But if there is anything more specific I can answer/point out let me know.

Last edited by UpNorth79 (28-08-10 05:17:04)

UpNorth79 · 28-08-10 05:16:21

xxEPxx, thanks. I figured that this would be a safe place to ask. I often read through the forums without posting much, but I've not seen any other threads similar, which doesn't mean they don't exist. I appreciate knowing that I'm not out of line asking, and can feel free that I can ask for such advise. Many other forums are filled with less honest, helpful, respectful or conscientious people which makes it difficult to ask for help and to expect nonjudgmental responses. Hopefully, others who are in similar positions can feel comfortable asking the community for advise.

xxEPxx · 28-08-10 16:17:02

UpNorth79 wrote:

Once the foreskin is pulled down, the condom is rolled on fully, and the foreskin returns to cover the head there is only an inch or two of coverage (as most of the length of the condom is "lost" between the head and the foreskin). This further desensitizes me, and often leads to the condom "rolling off".

If you can get aroused enough, the foreksin should stay tightly off the head even when a condom is fitted over; being uncircumsized, I can totally relate to this, and not every erection or period of arousal is the same. One thing which may help to is get used to masturbating (or being masturbated) with the foreskin in this state, ie pulled tightly back so that the head and glans are fully "free", and getting yourself used to the friction and stimulation without the foreskin being involved.

It's not something we really think about; it's easy to be aroused and just have the skin rubbing back and forth over the head until orgasm, but when it comes to sex with a condom, that can cause the issues you (and, in fact, myself) have encountered.

xxEPxx

viva · 30-08-10 02:06:04

oh oh oh, i dont have time to fully address (as i will later, preferring greatly uncircumcised men i know theres no reason a condom shouldnt be comfortable for you unless theres something else going on) but one thing i can say quickly is i completely understand "being too in your head". i recommend porn seriously in this case. an entertaining distraction from overthinking or withdrawing into your own space. find the right (gently) arousing (but not stupid) material for her and every time she feels overwhelmed, distracted or left out there will be the thread of the narrative playing to ground her. or play with her nipples while shes reading a book. that always does it for me.

sorry cant seem to find the line between cheeky and helpful. take it with a grain of salt. more later~
v

UpNorth79 · 30-08-10 03:11:12

xxEPxx, I've tried with the foreskin pulled down, but it is far to intense. If I can manage to make it to climax my entire body aches after, my legs and abs especially.

However, I think I've solved the condom issue. One more down :-) After talking to some other people I tried a new style and upgraded to the Trojan Magnum Thin. Fits much better, including giving full coverage along the length of the shaft and it is snug enough to not come off while it doesn't feel like my willie's being strangled. Overall a much more pleasurable experience.

Viva, I'll take that into consideration, but not sure if I'm ready to bring that into it yet. With as conservative as she's been I don't want to scare her. I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better to get her more comfortable with her own sexuality before bringing in someone else's (so to speak). And to be honest I've never gotten too much into porn myself; which is one thing I like about this website and BA. It's porn, but it doesn't feel like it. It's much more classy and refined, and there's the bonus of not having to see a guys face every few minutes. How you girls manage to look us in the eye while we're making those faces without laughing I'll never know. She does read a lot of romance novels, however. Although, she insists now matter how much I pick on her none of hers mentions "throbbing members." However, she is enjoying it more as well. I've gotten her to start to tell me what she likes and what she doesn't. Although that's still trial and error and she doesn't have any background to fall back on. She still giggles when we get started, and has taken to pointing out every time my face changes. Apparently I have a frustrated face, a concentrating face, a giddy face, a studious face, etc... So apparently, some of you ladies can't watch our faces without laughing... :-) The showers have been a big help, and I think she really enjoys them. Last night it was even her suggestion. It's also made it easier for her manually stimulate me; both through a combination of the water lubricating and what feels like a more natural motion/position. She still has trouble sleeping over, apparently I snore.... but that's nothing anyone here can help with :-) It's not even that I snore loud, but apparently cuddle in my sleep and so it's right in her ear. :-)

As far as my main problem goes, I was talking with an old friend recently and I think I may have found the beginning of an explanation. My last sexual relationship ended very badly 7 years ago. I was in the Army at the time and found out that my girlfriend was pregnant right before I deployed to Kosovo for a few months. BTW, that pregnancy occurred after the condom rolled off as I talked about before. I talked to her everyday on the phone to see how she was and how the baby was; every time I was told everything was okay or that she'd recently been to the doctor and everything was fine. I returned from this deployment to find out that not only had she been seeing someone else, but had aborted the pregnancy about a week after I left. Since then it's been difficult for me to get into a serious relationship with someone. (As a bit of history, my relationship prior to this one ended under very similar circumstances, although there it was a long distance relationship and I found out about pregnancy after the fact.) I think this might have something to do with why I've been having my problems in the bedroom.

Thank you both so much for the friendly conversation and advice. I wasn't really sure what to expect when I first approached this. Much to my surprise, it's been a lot easier to discuss than I had expected.

xxEPxx · 30-08-10 03:32:17

UpNorth79 wrote:

xxEPxx, I've tried with the foreskin pulled down, but it is far to intense. If I can manage to make it to climax my entire body aches after, my legs and abs especially.

I was wondering if this might be the case for you; the intensity is quite something and if it's been a while since I last tried that method it's exactly as you describe! The foreskin makes the head very (and yes, unbearably at times) sensitive to exposure, so I'd agree it's not a preferred state. It's a different kind of orgasm, physically, when everything's at full tension, and definitely not as comfortable (although it has an intense thrill of its own).

Your story does explain a lot of things, and I'm glad you've hit upon some reasons for what's happening in yourself. I empthasise with that a lot as well; not in the details, but the emotional scars picked up along the way that then impact on the next relationship.

As for the man-faces we pull, haha yes I am glad I don't have to look at my own expressions too!! Much prefer watching and listening to those lady-gasps

xxEPxx

VeronicaF · 30-08-10 08:19:45

UpNorth79 wrote:

to be honest I've never gotten too much into porn myself; which is one thing I like about this website and BA. It's porn, but it doesn't feel like it. It's much more classy and refined, and there's the bonus of not having to see a guys face every few minutes.

If your partner enjoys her romance novels but watching porn is not to your taste you could try some sexy audio tracks instead. I often have the same problem of being lost in my thoughts (incredibly distracting) but even just the sound from porn can be enough to bring me back and stop my thoughts getting in the way....

Just a thought......oh and Sonic Erotica is going to be relaunching soon, so there'll be lots of lovely sexy stories coming soon. (Please excuse my blatant Feck promotion)

#1 26-08-10 02:47:38

Personal Question/Advice

#2 26-08-10 03:25:59

Re: Personal Question/Advice

#3 26-08-10 04:27:29

Re: Personal Question/Advice

#4 26-08-10 06:42:44

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#5 27-08-10 06:15:21

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#6 28-08-10 03:12:26

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#7 28-08-10 05:06:31

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#8 28-08-10 05:16:21

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#9 28-08-10 16:17:02

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#10 30-08-10 02:06:04

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#11 30-08-10 03:11:12

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#12 30-08-10 03:32:17

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#13 30-08-10 08:19:45

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