Coping with depression

ravenbarber2046 · 16-11-09 13:42:00

Being artistic minded and sensitive folks, I can only imagine that some of the people who work on this site have probably suffered from depression at some stage in their lives.

I'd like to know how anyone who has experienced the condition has managed to cope with it, or continues to cope with it. I suffer from mild depression, and although it isn't a thing of questioning your self-worth anymore for me, it is still present and manifests itself irritatingly as a general listlessness and also becoming less sensitive to pleasure and things that might pique your interest. It is not so much a mood thing as a concentration thing. I can have a perfectly fine, happy day of smiling and laughing and it could still be functioning there in the background.
I sometimes feel it is something that plays tricks on you, that is deeply deceiving and you have to be aware of it in order not to fall into some of its traps. With my own condition, it is not that terrible black hole thing that you cannot ignore. It is more of an underlying thing that I'm not always aware of.

It sometimes feels like a very unfair thing. I'd love to hear how other people have coped and continue to cope. This is not a sexy topic, but I think it could be helpful and interesting. Perhaps we can talk about how it impacts on one's sex drive.

blissed · 16-11-09 15:44:41

Ravensbarber Harden the fuck up.

Actually there is something to be said for that, though to varying degrees there are limits to our mental strength and thats where other strategies come in before the last resort of medication. I think philosophical strategies work best. A net buddy of mine has just died and unknown to me and most other people online he was quadriplegic and typed all his amazing and entertaining forum entries full of his insulting humour with the minimal movement he had in one knuckle. Up against his life, WTF have I got to be depressed about!!

That works of course if your brain hasn't got a pathology that prevents you from taking advantage of a philosophical solution. That pathology can either be from a spoilt upbringing or a very hard wired inability to shift your own mood consciously just as a faulty thyroid can rob someone of their energy. Finding a solution for that last group is hard, but when highly targeted drugs that pinpoint the faulty process in the brain are tailored to the results of our DNA sequence so there are no side effects, it'll hopefully make their life a lot better.

Prof. Blissed

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ravenbarber2046 · 16-11-09 16:15:59

blissed wrote:

Ravensbarber Harden the fuck up.

Harsh, but I get the sentiment.

Like I said, I'm not talking about a mood thing. My perspective on the world and my own reality is pretty sober and balanced, and for the most part, positive, glass-half-full kinda thing. And I'm sure you know that telling someone to harden the fuck up is hardly a solution to a recognised medical condition. I was in any event just interested in people's stories. I got my own situation under control, for the most part. I wanted to know how folks with a predisposition towards depression function, and thrive, with this demon thing on their shoulder. It is most often the sensitive that suffer from things like questioning themselves, or undervaluing themselves when they really have little reason to do so, because they are just fine human beings; that's what I mean when I'm saying its deceptive. You only have to choose not to believe those questioning voices, but it becomes akin to a struggle, and struggle can make life more interesting and richer, although a might more energy sapping.

Anyways, I'm harping now. I've read a lot of your posts already, blissed, so I'm gonna presume what you said you said with love.

blissed · 16-11-09 16:28:56

ravenbarber2046 wrote:

blissed wrote:
Ravensbarber Harden the fuck up.
Harsh,

Sorry that was mostly flippant, I keep forgetting a lot of people in the world haven't seen this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmXri8ZC … 54&index=0

I'm not recommending everyone take psychiatric advise solely from Chopper Read

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blissed · 16-11-09 16:52:00

A big point that relates to the rest of my post is that some people who's brain physiology is fine get a big file in their minds labeled depression with all it's mass interconnecting neurons and memories, when perhaps a play assistant could have recognized the beginnings of a problem and pulled them out of it even before they went to infant school, and so that file would be replaced with self confidence or whatever they lacked that was causing the feelings of doubt and depression. * Big round of applause for good play assistants*

Isn't it true that a good close relationship can go some way to doing that for an adult?

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ashmedi1 · 16-11-09 17:38:03

At least once, lost about 30 pounds and was on the brink of suicide in summer of 2006.

Macular Degeneration took the right eye and on Jul 5, 2006, a major hemmorhage finished central vision to the point the right eye is virtually useless except for large things, and the brain didn't know how to deal or use the left. All normal functionality was lost and it took me months to learn how to read with the already damaged left eye, for a period of 6 to 9 months I read at the level of a 5 year old, and couldn't recognize people I had known for years. In time the brain shifted dominance to the left eye, it has unique damage from 15 yrs ago, but is now my best eye. And of course I go to sleep every night knowing I have a potential time bomb ticking and when I wake, I may have lost the left while I slept. At the moment the brain is unclear as to which eye it should use as primary and vision goes up and down depending on a multitude of factors. I know that when the left eye leaves I will lapse back into a deep depression because when that happens, my life will be over and not worth a tinkers damn.

blissed · 16-11-09 19:01:47

ashmedi1 wrote:

when that happens, my life will be over and not worth a tinkers damn.

Your presence here alone is worth a great deal more than that, and if this does happen to you you can count on the support of everyone here and all your other net buddies.

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ravenbarber2046 · 16-11-09 20:05:10

blissed wrote:

ashmedi1 wrote:
when that happens, my life will be over and not worth a tinkers damn.
Your presence here alone is worth a great deal more than that, and if this does happen to you you can count on the support of everyone here and all your other net buddies.
.

100%.

artist_charlotte_v · 16-11-09 23:41:45

I've always been really hesitant to discuss my own experiences with depression because I don't want to allow people to come to conclusions such as "Oh, she has a mental illness, no wonder she does porn....", which is certainly not the case and I feel the two aspects of my life are unrelated. But seeing as though the topic has come up in a place such as IFM, and we're all pretty cool here, I'll cowboy up and share.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression/major depressive disorder when I was 14 yrs old. Like Raven I see myself as a positive, glass half full kind of person so fighting this predisposed urge to curl up under a rock half the time is really bloody hard.

I'm currently on antidepressant medication and see a therapist weekly. It does effect my sex drive (meds = sexual dysfunction, therapy = draining) but I try to make an extra effort to make sex a quality rather than quantity thing. If the urge only strikes once or twice a week I make a brilliant deal out of it... we enjoy the works!

I understand why people who haven't experienced depression may offer advice such as "Harden the fuck up" (hell, I tell myself this in the mirror a few times a week!) but if it were that simple we'd all be skipping through the woods and making daisy chains in the sunshine, wouldn't we?

artist_charlotte_v · 16-11-09 23:44:03

ashmedi1 wrote:

At least once, lost about 30 pounds and was on the brink of suicide in summer of 2006....

I'm so sorry to hear that. <3

ashmedi1 · 17-11-09 01:11:25

Thanks Blissed, Raven, and Charlotte.

And Charlotte, I am sorry to hear you are afflicted, from watching your wonderful and creative videos I would never have guessed, best of luck to you in beating this

blissed · 17-11-09 01:44:38

Yeah good luck from me too, I think Ash did really well at coming through 06.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned harden the fuck up passed the usual strategy for coping with day to day problems is because some of what's happening in our brain when we do that can be useful for some people in coping with more advanced problems. Some people who experienced post traumatic stress refused counseling and found it more beneficial to put the experience to the back of their minds. The more we think about something the more neural connections form associated with it. The less we think about something, those physical neural connections diminish.

Someone close to me has life long clinical depression, caused by their brain being less able to chemically regulate their mood. They were helped by drug therapy and by their conversations with a professor of psychology, who seems to have successfully cleared away the dead wood in their mind and set up a pattern of thought that has regrown these neural connections into a more beneficial pattern.

There are many different types of clinical depression and I think any psychological technique is worth trying if it stands a chance of offering an improvement.

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ravenbarber2046 · 17-11-09 13:31:40

artist_charlotte_v wrote:

I've always been really hesitant to discuss my own experiences with depression because I don't want to allow people to come to conclusions such as "Oh, she has a mental illness, no wonder she does porn....", which is certainly not the case and I feel the two aspects of my life are unrelated. But seeing as though the topic has come up in a place such as IFM, and we're all pretty cool here, I'll cowboy up and share.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression/major depressive disorder when I was 14 yrs old. Like Raven I see myself as a positive, glass half full kind of person so fighting this predisposed urge to curl up under a rock half the time is really bloody hard.
I'm currently on antidepressant medication and see a therapist weekly. It does effect my sex drive (meds = sexual dysfunction, therapy = draining) but I try to make an extra effort to make sex a quality rather than quantity thing. If the urge only strikes once or twice a week I make a brilliant deal out of it... we enjoy the works!
I understand why people who haven't experienced depression may offer advice such as "Harden the fuck up" (hell, I tell myself this in the mirror a few times a week!) but if it were that simple we'd all be skipping through the woods and making daisy chains in the sunshine, wouldn't we?

Thank you so much for sharing, Charlotte. I think it is super brave of you. I understand your reluctance to share such info about yourself, as it can provide folks who have preconceived notions of the porn industry and are prejudiced against performers ammunition against them and a pretext to jump to all sorts of unfounded conclusions.

I have to admit, I didn't know how this thread would go down, as depression is a topic that people really don't seem to wanna talk about much, even the coolest, jazziest people, of which there are plenty of here at IFM. I think folks literally find it a downer to converse about. It is a pity really, and my belief of why it still pretty much hush-hush in everyday conversations is that people who suffer from the condition don't want other folks to think that there is something wrong with them, and the other people might not want to entertain the notion that they might actually be sufferers themselves.

Either way, people maintain fronts for many, many reasons, and it is one of the things that has resulted in the condition taking root in me. It is not necessarily so much to do with how I feel about myself, although perhaps it started out that way. One of the things that therapy taught me is to detach just a little bit from the subjective melodrama of your life and to become a lot more self aware so that you are aware of the way you function and can recognise certain patterns of actions and thoughts that might cause you pain. At this point in my life, I am deeply distrustful of people who don’t have at least a modicum of self awareness and sensitivity not only to how they function, but also to their surroundings. Which brings me back to my initial point in this paragraph: over the last couple of years, a lot of my depression has been fuelled by the world at large and also my immediate environment. Just that whole business of seeing people blissfully fucking things up and appearing not to give a damn about the consequences of their actions, or even just owning up to their actions. My eyes really opened up when I saw this interview of Thom Yorke from Radiohead on Youtube (here’s the url: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWOKtktYfP0) discussing what fuels his depression. I think therapy can sometimes have a double pronged effect on one: that self awareness that it cultivates can also lead to added depression sometimes, because as much as it allows you to take a breather from yourself, it also makes you more sensitive to how most people hate really thinking about themselves in terms other than an idealised version.

I’m one of those folks who can’t just be OK with myself and have that be enough while the world is, for the most part, in definite decline. That is one of the byproducts of the “I-Got-Mine” culture that capitalism fosters, that so long as you are OK and ok with things, why fucking worry about the rest? It also feeds into my whole stance of this thing of “confidence” that is such a hugely valued thing in our society. People it seems are very often encouraged to project an idealised version of themselves to the outside world, and it is frustrating to people like myself who actually value tenderness and weakness, for lack of a better word, in people, and would like to actually communicate at the core with people a lot more. I hate these self-made little empires everywhere. I’m not advocating Communism, by the way. I’m not a commie.

That’s one of the reasons I started this thread, just to maybe get at the core a little more of things with some of the folks I really respect on this forum. I think at the core of most people there is just a little marshmallow centre that wants to be loved and accepted. Why can’t that be acknowledged a lot more in everyday life? I think people might treat each other better, recognising that.

Anyways, as ever, I’m harping like a motherfucker again. I have been pleasantly surprised by the "action" on this thread, and I think it once again proves that this is for the most part a safe, non-judgemental space where one can really converse about important (and fun) things in an adult and sensitive way.

I hope the thread continues to see action. Best of luck ashmedi1 and Charlotte, and thanks again for sharing.

blissed · 17-11-09 15:29:38

Raven I'm not sure if you don't want to engage with the points I've made because of my harden the fuck up comment, (should've had a smiley) or your not engaging because you don't think my ideas are of any help. I have apologized and I am sorry if it has upset you. I sent you an email yesterday to the email addy you placed in your profile.

ravenbarber2046 wrote:

I think at the core of most people there is just a little marshmallow centre that wants to be loved and accepted. Why can’t that be acknowledged a lot more in everyday life? I think people might treat each other better, recognising that.

Oooh I agree.

ravenbarber2046 wrote:

I think therapy can sometimes have a double pronged effect on one: that self awareness that it cultivates can also lead to added depression sometimes, because as much as it allows you to take a breather from yourself, it also makes you more sensitive to how most people hate really thinking about themselves in terms other than an idealized version.

This is part of the point I was making, all those extra complications that can be created with some therapys are actual physical cell to cell connections, all thoughts use these pathways they've made and add to them. Thats why changing someone's environment and circumstances can be so beneficial. New experiences and new more positive thoughts produce new physical brain connections.

ravenbarber2046 wrote:

I’m one of those folks who can’t just be OK with myself and have that be enough while the world is, for the most part, in definite decline.

Hope I can try and convince you that that's not true. Some things get worse and some things get better, I think the world is more volatile but the over all direction through out my life is that things have improved. (Illiteracy has gone down from half the people on earth to around a quarter) I wouldn't blame you for thinking the world is in decline if you watch the regular news. I use to share that view. But the old news media look for trouble and exaggerate it because it makes them money. It's a very inaccurate picture. Since I've been on the net I've found huge amounts of human activity that is largely ignored by the news media. http://blogs.howstuffworks.com/2009/11/ … ading-361/ These are the millions of daily improvements that don't make the regular news but they are how a huge number of people effect the world and make it better.
Through out history humanity has faced challenges and overcome them. Now is no different. I think the world is huge, is ugly and beautiful, dynamic, full of adventure and amazing.

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ravenbarber2046 · 17-11-09 15:47:22

blissed wrote:

Raven I'm not sure if you don't want to engage with the points I've made because of my harden the fuck up comment, (should've had a smiley) or your not engaging because you don't think my ideas are of any help. I have apologized and I am sorry if it has upset you. I sent you an email yesterday to the email addy you placed in your profile.

I'd be happy to engage, blissed. Sorry I didn't reply to your email. It went straight into my spam folder. It is because some motherfuckers got a hold of my name, and to circumvent my spam, they type my name into the subject line. So my spam appears to be very iffy. It is actually pretty hit and miss at this point.

I don't really have time at the moment to engage (end of the workday), but I'll review the "depression" thread again later on and try and reply to the points you brought up.

Thank you very much for your apology. It is of course appreciated, but like I said, because I'm familier with your style of postings, I knew it didn't come from a bad place, so I didn't take too much offense. I don't know if I made that clear enough. Anyways, I'll catch up later again. I should probably have mailed you, but anyways, it's probably not a bad thing to have our exchange as part of the thread.

Laters.

blissed · 17-11-09 20:37:12

ravenbarber2046 wrote:

I don't really have time at the moment to engage (end of the workday).

Ha ha if I was a boss I'd make IFM available to all my staff in working time

Can I say hi to your boss and if that's you good on you for being so enlightened

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ravenbarber2046 · 17-11-09 23:17:56

blissed wrote:

ravenbarber2046 wrote:
I don't really have time at the moment to engage (end of the workday).
Ha ha if I was a boss I'd make IFM available to all my staff in working time
Can I say hi to your boss and if that's you good on you for being so enlightened
.

Well, the truth is far less idyllic than that, but pretty idyllic nonetheless, considering it's kind of a corporate environment: I get to bring my laptop to work. We're a small company, so I can work on my own personalised computer. I can't stand working on communal, provided computers. As far as I know, we're not monitered, so I can happily chat on the forums in between my tasks. That said, I don't search for porn at work, so I don't visit the main site. Keep it strictly forum related. Thanks all for the company during the day. I love spending time on the forum.

I'll revisit the main onus of this thread tomorrow, respond to those points of yours blissed. Need to sleep right now. Past midnight. Good night.

ngaio · 18-11-09 08:01:30

Ashmedi, I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through and are going through, I've always felt your presence on these forums as a positive, warm thing so I hated to read that. I can't even pretend to imagine how you must feel, but the threat of losing one's eyesight... that's incredibly big shit you have to deal with. For what it's worth, you have my kudos and IFM forum based support!

Charlotte, that's an interesting point you made about people making connectiongs between mental illness and porn. Two things which are surrounded by stigma and silly myths. Ack. Thanks a lot for sharing and for doing your part to contributing to a more sex positive world, I think you're super!

Ok, so, myself... well, I have no hesitation talking about it and can actually ramble for hours, however I don't currently have the time as it's the end of a working day, my brain hurts from staring at a computer screen all day... so I shall try to be succinct because who wants a long rant anyway?

Depression took away my life from 11-19 when I finally went on Prozac. I never completed middle school or highschool, in fact I was hardly there at all. I had almost no friends, no self esteem, was miserable, lonely, full of self loathing and probably wouldn't even exist on this planet today was it not for the fact that when I was 18... my 15 year old brother had a full blown psychotic breakdown and was diagnosed as bipolar.

Bipolar disease runs on my mothers side of the family to a really big degree and has caused many minor and larger family tragedies. However, my mother is an amazing, strong person who got through her own issues in her own way to raise myself and my brother (along with the assistance of my awesome father). However, when my brother fell ill at such an early age we had to really learn to properly understand and accept the genetic and chemical aspects of mental illness. In coming to terms with that, I was able to come to terms with what was happening me and seek the appropriate medication and then later, therapy to deal with many years of bad thought habits.

I am now in an incredibly good point in my life, I see a therapist sporadically when I slip, but mostly I feel incredibly empowered to help myself. I'm no longer on prozac but am comforted to know I have it there if I ever need it again. I've learned to understand and accept my own weaknesses, sensitivities etc. It's an ongoing journey but I am one hell of a lot better than I used to be. I've since recieved my Masters in Fine Arts, am living in an awesome city and working at a job which my friends all are jealous of (well, I tell myself they are!). Life is good.

Oh yeah and my brother, with the help of medication and therapy, has just gone his first whole year without having a relapse and is currently my flatmate.

So I guess my way of coping was just accepting that mental illness is just that... illness. You do the things you need to do to get better, ignore the stigma, ignore stupid fears about seeming crazy or weak and just be honest with yourself and deal with things the best you can. You're not broken, you're not helpless, you just need to take a bit of time to figure out what you need through trial and error, tears and laughter.

And this is me attempting to be succinct about the topic. I have to go now so I have no time to edit this ramble. Hope I've not hijacked the topic! Happy Wednesday everyone!

blissed · 18-11-09 17:03:27

Ngiao your recovery is awesome!.

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ashmedi1 · 19-11-09 00:27:15

ngaio, thank you for your kind words and well wishes. I have always enjoyed the 3 sister sites, and my postings vary with my mood and my comprehension of the subject matter and the length of the articles. I have noticed with the loss of the dominant eye that the brain does have a problem reading long posts, and even more trouble stringing the thoughts together so they make sense, it is very hard to even explain. I am also very prone to typos and completely missing words which skew my meaning sometime and make it hard for a reader to know exactly what I was trying to say, and I apologize for that, I attempt to ensure it is right before I post, but I can read the same thing over and over, and weeks later notice I missed words. I try to be positive and appreciative and do not like negativity, it just brings me down.

I am sorry to hear of your own problems and pray you enjoy continued success in dealing with your problems. I think your method of dealing with it is admirable and if it works for you, then carry on, live well and continue on your path.

blissed · 20-11-09 02:00:36

Thats why it's so difficult to revisit and see if there may be any value in some of it from the perspective of now understanding that depression can be both a complex physiological and psychological illness. I think that's pretty much what I said in my 1st post, but because I'm really interested in how our brains work, my mistake is to enthusiastically ponder new ideas without waiting to hear what experiences people have to relate. Which was pretty dumb, so I'd like to apologize to everyone for not doing that, it's something I'm going to correct when talking about this subject in the future. Anyway Bobby for now you have to accept you've got massive competition from me here in the field of wankiness

From my experience of knowing people intimately who have depression, I'm sure the ongoing development of some of the philosophical strategies used by people who have psychological depression (destructive thought habits) can be useful in helping some people with physiological (Physically inaccurate brain function) depression.

In the field of Psychiatry though, even the best people will admit they still know very little, this is quite an interesting project to try and correct that. http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/659 What he says about a perceptual bubble is quite interesting, though I don't know how their completed project will avoid creating a person that feels pain or perhaps I'm just revealing how ignorant I am of their technical procedures.

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aven frey · 20-11-09 22:08:25

Blissed, I just kicked my Ted habit and you come along with the good shit. That was very fascinating. It's interesting to see science and philosophy intercept. I wonder how they're going to get around the problem that science is not immune to the very idea they are trying to investigate, the limits of perception.

I've deleted my post above, on review it's a rather turgid, inarticulate and pessimistic post which I don't think is very helpful for such a discussion, I usually keep such grim opinions to myself anyway and while I do firmly believe that existence is meaningless I do think that art and love can make it fairly pleasant.

Also Blissed I think you have sufficiently explained your reasoning for the comments you made. I was referring more to some cultural attitudes that I felt they reflected.

ravenbarber2046 · 21-11-09 00:04:27

bobby wrote:

I've deleted my post above, on review it's a rather turgid, inarticulate and pessimistic post which I don't think is very helpful for such a discussion,

I wish you hadn't deleted your post, bobby. I found it really added something special to this thread, and at the very least, I think that folks should get to read it and make up their own mind.

bobby wrote:

I usually keep such grim opinions to myself anyway and while I do firmly believe that existence is meaningless I do think that art and love can make it fairly pleasant.

I spend the amount of time on the forums (far more than on the actual site, come to think of it) to hear interesting opinions, and hopefully some ones that really hit home, so that I can adjust my stance on things if I feel that something is really valid and I can't ignore it. Anyways, "grim" opinions make for interesting reading, because it often comes from a place of passionate subjectivity. Not that I'm looking for any anthropological case study type things.

You're an interesting lady, bobby. I'll always be interested to read what you got to say. I hope you won’t sensor yourself. This is a free zone, surely.

I'd like to know if you have always had the belief that existence is meaningless, or if it was triggered by some kind of sobering event (you of course don't have to share what that event is, if it's too private) or just an epiphany. I've always felt that Hamlet's unravelling was the result of a world he was profoundly comfortable in, spoilt in really, being completely taken away from him, and being a naive person in many respects, it leads him to question absolutely everything from there on out, because all comfort has been erased. The painful thing about it is that so many of his points feel so true, however they came into being.

Rambling on again.

blissed · 21-11-09 03:45:47

Bobby I approached this thread really badly so I had to apologize to everyone to genuinely reach the end of my guilt trip

bobby wrote:

I wonder how they're going to get around the problem that science is not immune to the very idea they are trying to investigate, the limits of perception.

That is the even more fascinating thing, they won't, a machine will. Even an early analogue of the human mind in perhaps 10 years time will be different enough from us to be much more qualified than us to study us, and take an anatomical replica of a human brain to it's 1st conclusion. That "person" will do it much cheaper too

Raven I agree with Bobby that existence seems to have no meaning. I think that is because the meaning of existence is a human (and possibly other higher species) notion and so we have the fantastic opportunity to create our own meaning on what appears to be a completely blank canvas, that at the moment stretches out as far as the visible universe.

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aven frey · 21-11-09 22:39:22

ravenbarber2046 wrote:

I wish you hadn't deleted your post, bobby. I found it really added something special to this thread, and at the very least, I think that folks should get to read it and make up their own mind.

Sorry, yeah that was a bit gutless but I didn't think I expressed myself very well, I find I'm not very good at expressing my ideas with language. You should hear me talk, that's even worse! I was in a funny mood that night and that kind of stuff probably needs some quotes and a bibliography.

ravenbarber2046 wrote:

I'd like to know if you have always had the belief that existence is meaningless, or if it was triggered by some kind of sobering event (you of course don't have to share what that event is, if it's too private) or just an epiphany.

No Hamlet like event or epiphany. It just makes sense to me, has since I can remember. Probably since I started to understand what death was all about.

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