FLIRTING, what is considered ok and NOT ok

leda · 11-10-07 08:03:58

Hi everyone, well apparently i'm in trouble with a new lot of mates for flirting..... I need some guidelines here. What is acceptable and what is not in the world of flirting? Please help me because I'm very clueless, to me its all about Intention but details are required Cheers

kirejos · 11-10-07 17:43:36

Hmm, loaded question. Books have been written about this stuff, it used to be referred to formally as "courtship". I guess sociologists, and behavioral scientists still call it that.

I mention sociology because it depends so heavily on what kind of social circles you move through. For some, mere eye contact would be considered flirting. For others, a lot of body contact. And of course there's context. If you're on a dancefloor for example, there's obviously gonna' be plenty of body contact. Is it flirting, or just dancing?

I'm a guy, so I can only give you my opinion about this subject from a male perspective. If your mates are guys, and they are "new" friends, it complicates things obviously. They wouldn't really be familiar with how you act around friends, or what you would consider "just flirting". And being perennial sexual optimists, they could very easily misinterpret body language, what you say, etc. For most, there's kind of like a "fine line" that gets crossed when it comes to flirting. Actually, a couple of fine lines. When does it go from just hanging out with someone, to flirting with them? And then, when does it go from just flirting with someone, to- Hey, maybe we can make this happen. Guys will always want to "make it happen" so to speak, so you shouldn't be surprised to find that what you would consider "just flirting", is interpreted as "she wants me" (male ego).

What's acceptable? That's up to you. Who's upset with you? What would they consider "just flirting"? Is it your ex-boyfriend's best friend, or his mates? Different set of standards there obviously. Is the "flirter" married? Where I come from, flirting is just flirting, no big deal, everyone does it. Christ, it's a virtual parlor game. It can get a little dicey however, usually among un-married couples.

If you're in trouble for flirting, maybe you should just back-off a little bit, or just hang out with friends that aren't so uptight about it. Generally, if a guy thinks you're flirting with him, its all just fine and dandy until he sees you flirting the same way with other guys you're with. As far as guidelines are concerned, I would say don't flirt with anyone you just want to be friends with. If you see someone you want, go for it.

I know that if I were hanging out with you, I certainly wouldn't mind it at all

leda · 12-10-07 00:01:08

hey kirejos, had a very interesting day yesterday. Appreciate your thoughts I really needed to put a bit more detail in I guess. Was accused of flirting by a girlfriend, with a guy she likes whom does not like her. All very childish and over the top rubbish, well in my eyes anyway. I guess for me because I was not flirting with him I was talking to him but........

I'm kind of an intense person, is one of the reasons why i have mostly had guys as friends instead of girls.
I flirt with everyone girls and guys mostly I don't even realise I'm doing it because it's really a part of who I am. My make-up so to speak. I don't even really think of it as flirting i really am just a very friendly, happy person and people tend to be attracted to that.

I'm usually very clued on when I have crossed the line but sometimes I get accused of crossing when I really feel i haven't.

This year I met two awesome men who are completely comfortable with me being ...well Me. If they felt i had crossed the flirting line they told me and it was all good. The last time it happened was pretty funny I was talking away with this fellow and anyway my than boyfriend goes ok so maryanne where is this going now and innocent me goes "what you talkin bout willis" so I had to clarify with this guy that i had a boyfriend and what do you know 5 minutes later he has disappeared. :0 I was floored.
I focus on people and give them my undivided attention because i really happen to enjoy people but sometimes I guess some folk get all excited and think I'm offering more than just a chat and a giggle!

It is one way I have of filtering 'real' friends from not so genuine ones, just at times it bites me on the rear and i'm left reeling.
geez when your Hot and good fun well.........................Pfffffft!! haha

kirejos · 12-10-07 08:11:38

I have a friend who likes to say- "Maybe I can be me". I love it, I take it to mean- Just be yourself, and have fun. Life is so full of psychological pitfalls, who has time to deconstruct every little nuance when it comes to interpersonal relationships? Most people can figure out what's really going on if anything, when it comes to flirting and "courtship". Those that can't, tend to have some sort difficulty with all kinds of interaction.

leda wrote:

i really am just a friendly, happy person and people tend to be attracted to that.

Right-on.

It sounds like your friend needs to lighten-up a little bit, although I can certainly empathize with her. We've all had that sinking feeling when it becomes obvious that it's not going to work out with someone we're interested in. Maybe you were flirting with him a little bit in front of her without realizing it. When you find someone attractive, it's almost impossible not to, in some way. It's always a good idea to check your motives in a situation like that. Even if it was totally unintentional, and misinterpreted, it might be a good idea just to let her know that, and apologize for maybe not being completely sensitive to her situation. Like you said in your first post, maybe it is "all about intention". What about his intentions? Do you think he may have been trying to send her a message by "talking" to you?

It can all get very childish, very quickly. Sometimes I want to ask people- What is this, highschool? Can we at least pretend to be adults? For some people I know (who are married), flirting is a kind of game they play, just to amuse themselves. This is just one reason why I think marriage is for the birds. I would never want to get that bored.

I guess if you think about it though, flirting has its roots in biology, and is pretty much unavoidable. If you're human, single, and available, and you want to propogate the species, how else are you supposed to find anyone? I guess that's as good an excuse as any

Whatever, I've found that people who have a sense of humor are the least likely to take things too seriously when it comes to this sort of stuff. Look for them, and chat and giggle to your heart's content

Cheers
-Erik

artist_chica · 03-11-07 23:56:08

Leda, you are a fun, loving and exuberant human being and without your 'flirtatious' way of being you would not be you.
I had a similar conversation with a friend last week who got in trouble with her boyfriend cause she was 'all over' me on the dance floor. All we were doing is dancing and having fun, if he had not been sitting at the table drinking beer, we would have been dancing and 'all over' him too! Now did this come from an insecurity of his that his girlfriend was giving more attention to me than him, did he feel threatened here that she would go home with me and not him, was it just a blow to the ego... would he have been more content if she was sitting next to him at the table all night, drinking beer and not dancing??? Not fun.

People are more attractive to me when they are free and uninhibited. Doing what they want to do when they want to do it regardless of what others think they 'should' be doing. This does not necessarily mean that they are flirting with everything that moves, although I am a big fan of sharing the love in the right context, I have nothing against intimacy with one person but when this becomes restrictive and controlling is when I start running. Anyone who wants me to be anything else than who I am at the time is not someone I want to be involved with.
We can commit to one person, but is it realistic to think that this one person is going to provide us with our needs from all spectrums of life? If through love and communication we let this person know of our commitment to them, we perhaps are able to have our needs met more holistically by them as well as others. around us.

Leda, you know how flirtatious I am also, (we are a dangerous pair who need to be unleashed again together soon!) I love to cuddle most everyone, whether they are my boyfriend, girlfriend, sister or friend. Cuddles are part of my basic daily human needs requirements which needs to be met, along with iron, protein, love and smiles. I love physical proximity and I usually attract others who appreciate similar ways of being. I understand that some people feel uncomfortable with this and ask all sorts of questions about boundaries etc, and while I may be more sensitive with my actions around these people cause that's fine and understandable, I am not going to hinder the way I am and what I feel is the nicest way to exist.

Flirt on Leda! xx Chica

blissed · 04-11-07 18:52:11

artist_chica wrote:

Cuddles are part of my basic daily human needs requirements which needs to be met, along with iron, protein, love and smiles. I love physical proximity and I usually attract others who appreciate similar ways of being.

Thats true of most guys too, you can see that when you look at little boys and how much affection they need and express, but from around he age of 7 or 8 that expression becomes severely inhibited, so that for many men the only person left that they can express affection with is the person their having sex with. In fact it's a fairly strong social assumption that if a man is touching anyone it's for a self gratifying sexual reason, and a lot of men make that assumption too including your friends boyfriend. So anyway this one person becomes the sole recipiant of all those feelings, so they become intensified and when insecurity sets in you get an over reaction. This is obviously not true of all guys but as a genral solution what you've said here is quite good.

artist_chica wrote:

If through love and communication we let this person know of our commitment to them, we perhaps are able to have our needs met more holistically by them as well as others. around us.

.

#1 11-10-07 08:03:58

FLIRTING, what is considered ok and NOT ok

#2 11-10-07 17:43:36

Re: FLIRTING, what is considered ok and NOT ok

#3 12-10-07 00:01:08

Re: FLIRTING, what is considered ok and NOT ok

#4 12-10-07 08:11:38

Re: FLIRTING, what is considered ok and NOT ok

#5 03-11-07 23:56:08

Re: FLIRTING, what is considered ok and NOT ok

#6 04-11-07 18:52:11

Re: FLIRTING, what is considered ok and NOT ok

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