A Question About IFM Forum Norms...

SLloydnorris · 20-03-21 04:10:22

Hi, beautiful people! I'm Seth. Apologies in advance for my breathtaking lack of brevity below.

So, I'm new to IFM - as a financial supporter; I've been a fan for years - and have a question about the forums. I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly how to pose/phrase it, so bear with me as I try to work it out live (so to speak). I should note ahead of time that I identify as a heterosexual male, pronouns he/him/his, and this obviously colors what is to follow.

Essentially, I would like to hear from this amazing community (seriously, in the week or two since joining the site I've just been utterly impressed with the grace, kindness, encouragement, and supportiveness on display in these forums by all you lovely humans) as to what is and isn't ok with regard to discussion of, and expressions of feelings about, videos and the subjects of the videos on this site - especially since it seems like several of the site contributors are active on the forums here.

I guess what I'm after is what sort of expressions of appreciation the community here deems acceptable and encourages, and where the line is as to what would be deemed unacceptable and discouraged. Obviously this is a place of sex positivity and freedom of expression, but it is also not r/gonewild. I should note, by the way, that I'm not asking because I want to cross that line or get as close to it as I'm allowed - that's not at all my intention. I just very much want to make sure that any sort of engagement I'm participating in here is affirming, and would just like to hear some thoughts and replies from y'all about this.

I think what concerns me most is how to engage with those who are active contributors to the site - I don't have some strong desire to tell Viva or Mikaela how much I loved their video by describing in lurid detail what I did while watching them, or any such silliness, but I suppose I would like to know what sorts of compliments and discussion of their work would be seen as affirming and positive and what would be seen as over the line, "too personal/direct" etc.

I realize, of course, that this could vary from contributor to contributor, and that the best answer to this might just be "use common sense." I don't have any real worries about crossing these unspoken lines myself, as that isn't really my style, but I'd simply love to hear what the people who've been here a long time think about this issue.

I'm repeating myself at this point, so I'll hush up and listen now. If you got this far into my rambling, thanks so much for letting me work out my thoughts in such a prolix fashion. Y'all really are a crazy impressive group of humans!

privignus · 21-03-21 07:04:55

I find that tough too! I try to make sure I compliment something about the person or their actions and not just their body. And the awkwardness is good practice for saying more often in real life when I find someone sexy! I am not very brave about that.

Some of the sub-forms have a pinned thread with rules ("Moderation is important in everything including forums").

troyforyou · 22-03-21 20:23:16

I'm just a dumb subscriber here so take it for what its worth.

I think its ok to say positive things about bodies. If I complement boobs, I try to do it across the boob spectrum. Big boobs can be incredible, but medium and small boobs are often just or more incredible in my book.

Recognizing that there are forum norms goes far to guiding your posts. What gets people in trouble is expressing dislike to videos, saying it would be better if they did x, or saying y is disgusting. In short contributors feelings and videos should be respected. Without them, we would just have Viva's blurbs, which would be less fun..

Maybe Viva can set me straight if I got anything wrong.

viva · 23-03-21 00:21:36

Hi Sorry guys I was out yesterday, I'm here now! As Priv mentioned, there is a pinned thread that addresses this issue:

https://ifeelmyself.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=9021

But I'm always glad to discuss it more and even update some of the ideas I discussed there. Mostly, I think everyone has it right. On the forums, best to always assume the contributor in question will read the thread. Try to empathise with the fact that what we are doing and offering and showing is very vulnerable - we're not wearing heaps of makeup, building a career based on fitting a certain look, or able to hide behind putting on a show, all-in-a-days-work. We are trying to show you what's really real about us... so generally, attitudes of appreciation and admiration are welcome, whereas criticism, "constructive" or not, is not.

One area in which you can be analytical if you wish is like, tech issues or site stuff... like if you want to express your ideas about how the site works or if theres a sound issue or whatever, you can bring that stuff up. See how it's ok, because it's not about a human being's body or the actions she takes while masturbating?

One thing I'd like to point out is that no matter how much you intend them to boost, comparisons, even theoretical ones, will ALWAYS hurt someone.

So for example, Troy, even if you want to flatter smaller-breasted women, you would best do so by saying how much you love small breasts, rather than saying they are "often just as or more incredible than big boobs". That whole phrase is kind of hurtful to everyone involved, if you think about it - it emphasises a worldview where big boobs are considered better than small, even if it tries to subvert it, and then kind of damns with faint praise, and also manages to make girls with big breasts feel kind of bad. No boob-haver really feels good after reading that phrase.

It gets tricky when and if you want to talk about a contributor's body. I would say... like it's not impossible to do right. And we like when you find us beautiful and sexy. Just be thoughtful with your language - we try to avoid porn cliches around here, so consider that when writing your admiration. Think less penthouse letters, and more love letters. And try to think outside the box about what you like about her video - her energy, her personality, what you feel when watching.

Do those things make sense? Hopefully I've been helpful. Welcome to any other contributors to jump in.

troyforyou · 23-03-21 01:40:59

Yes, I see your point. I was trying to be neutral. Sorry!

_hyperballad_ · 23-03-21 02:17:01

I feel like when it comes to feedback on the content I create, as long as it's respectful I'm cool. Obviously I can only speak for myself though. I do believe that if you speak from the heart & are respectful you can find a way to say sexy things that come from a genuine place.

There have been a few comments in the forum about my body over the years that actually really helped me to see myself in a different & positive light, especially when I used to struggle quite a lot with body confidence. I still remember them clearly, even to this day.

Hmmm. Perhaps a good rule of thumb is don't say anything you wouldn't be willing to say to that contributors face?

My favourite comments are always thoughtful, sometimes someone notices a tiny detail, has an interesting question or just straight up enjoys what I've made & tells me that.

I'd definitely avoid qualifiers & comparisons in your posts, for example in other spaces I get a lot of "for a big girl, you really x,y & z." even if the x, y & z is complimentary, that's not actually a compliment. And I straight up dislike when people compliment me by putting others down - "you're a real woman with curves" etc.

I guess the whole point is to have empathy & compassion for the contributor you're posting about. And it's been said already, but if you don't have anything nice to say then keep it to yourself. Most of the women on this site aren't producing on other platforms, the way I might be able to brush off a shitty comment is not the way a contrib who has only ever done erotic work in the context of IFM would be able to.

Just be gentle & kind

privignus · 23-03-21 02:28:12

And on the subject of criticism ... don't accuse contributors of faking or having the wrong kind of orgasm! That can be really fraught face to face, and its not helpful at all when the person has never met you and all you have to go on is a video!

Everything about expressing sexual appreciation and interest as a man can be really fraught right now, but "be positive" (without "for a ..." or "unlike those ..." and other comparisons) and "appreciate the person not just the body" are rules of thumb that make sense for me.

maurice_B · 23-03-21 19:22:00

The civility, empathy and respect that permeate these boards make them an incredible place to discuss anything sexual, and to appreciate beautiful women.

It's also true though that writing up a comment of appreciation can at times feel a bit like walking a tightrope, at least for me. I know what I want to say, but will the contributor (if she reads it) take my message the way it was meant? Is there anything in my text that could be read as negative/judgmental/an unwelcome comparison? Since English is my second language I may not even be aware of a particular misstep. For example, when Viva wrote in a recent post that she sees the concept of "drooling" as condescending and pejorative it made me blush on the spot. I've used that word before around here and had no idea of its negative connotations.

And of course, in real life most of us would never dream of commenting on another person's body or sexual expressions, no matter how complimentary, other than to our intimate partner, so doing it here is something of an acquired skill. Luckily there are scores of articulate forum members around to provide some guidance, not to mention our beloved hostesses.

Last edited by maurice_B (23-03-21 19:29:07)

_hyperballad_ · 24-03-21 00:32:24

I do feel that everyone is afforded the benefit of the doubt in this space though.

If you write something that is a bit off, someone will let you know, generally pretty nicely, unless you're leather pants guy!

viva · 24-03-21 00:39:43

Yeah Maurice, it makes sense that it can feel like a bit of a tightrope. Since we don't really have a strong culture or understanding of how to talk to each other in respectful, appreciative ways about sexual things, we're kind of all figuring it out here as we go along! I feel like the norms are - "polite" is we don't discuss sex at all, and if we're gonna discuss sex or be in erotic/sexy environments, all bets are off and it's like a lot of men feel like they can say anything they damn well please - they're paying, after all.

So yeah, I think it's ok to feel a little unsure or uncomfortable sometimes, and just talking to us (read:women) about it is the absolute best thing you can do in that case. We may have ideas to guide you, but even better than that, just the excitement of a good connection about how to speak to one another - that conversation, that feeling of getting each other, and coming together - that's the best feeling in the world.

Fwiw I both have no memory of calling out "drooling" AND I'm super sorry I made you feel that way! You're such a great member and part of this forum. You're not the problem!

Mikaela · 24-03-21 02:33:47

I love this question, and that there are people out there taking the time to consider these things in depth and seeking the opinion of those who are reading the comments. It's really refreshing.

Personally, I find it nice to be appreciated for my actions and intent as Privignus has said, as it feels like i've been seen for more than just my physical self - this is important to me as my sexuality and sexual experiences are connected to so many things beyond physicality. I think it is also nice to be appreciated for physical attributes - but there is a fine line between appreciation and projection (which can feel quite icky). Another key thing, in my opinion, is steering clear of comparisons between body types and attributes. It never ever feels nice to be compared to someone else.

As troyforyou pointed out, it's never a pleasant experience to come onto these forums and see people complaining about a type of content that they don't enjoy - preferences are natural and fine, but when someone shares such intimate parts of themselves, it is really disheartening to see people use words like "disgusting" to describe something that they happen to dislike. As i'm fond of saying - don't yuk other people's yum.

_redbird_ · 24-03-21 02:54:37

I agree with all of these replies, and thanks for this excellent question Seth.

Something that is quite common and drives me absolutely bonkers is comments like - "I LOVE hairy girls. Why do women always feel the need to shave it??" You can just stop at the love part, bub. We don't need to hear for the 8 millionth time how women feel pressured to do this and that. YES societal and social pressures suck and YES they promoted shaving body hair on women primarily to get women to buy shavers, but it's also a personal choice each woman makes, and it's the same deal with make up. It's really condescending to hear a cis male patronisingly explain why women shouldn't shave their body hair or wear make up, not for one moment understanding the hypocrisy in telling a woman what she should be doing with her body.

Last edited by _redbird_ (24-03-21 02:55:16)

viva · 24-03-21 03:07:41

ooooh snap snap snap snap snap!

Miriam_R · 24-03-21 04:18:03

I love compliments on my energy, or movements, or something along those lines. Of course I don't mind being complimented on my appearance, but I would rather hear, "oh that flush was fantastic" rather than "your butt looks great in that angle". I am sharing an experience, and I want you to experience it with me. My butt will still be here tomorrow, but no orgasm is the same, especially on camera.
But compliments on physical attributes, as many of the babes here have said, are best when thought out, and there is no comparison or 'preferential' compliments. Enjoy our individuality

alsbosilver · 24-03-21 09:09:36

Miriam_R wrote:

I love compliments on my energy, or movements, or something along those lines. Of course I don't mind being complimented on my appearance, but I would rather hear, "oh that flush was fantastic" rather than "your butt looks great in that angle". I am sharing an experience, and I want you to experience it with me. My butt will still be here tomorrow, but no orgasm is the same, especially on camera.
But compliments on physical attributes, as many of the babes here have said, are best when thought out, and there is no comparison or 'preferential' compliments. Enjoy our individuality

It is your energy to masturbate, your conviction, the perfect knowledge of your path to orgasm, and the fact that you often look at your fast moving hand that I particularly like about you. When I masturbate looking at you, I try to do it exactly at the same time as you, you take me to your world ...

Christian (France)

Miriam_R · 25-03-21 03:13:05

Alsbosilver! I'm blushing. That is a great example of complimenting, I feel admired, and that my intent has been recieved and accepted and mostly importantly, enjoyed. It inspires me to create more, knowing I can share sexuality in a space where I am not seen as just a sexual thing.

alsbosilver · 25-03-21 09:59:15

Miriam_R wrote:

Alsbosilver! I'm blushing. That is a great example of complimenting, I feel admired, and that my intent has been recieved and accepted and mostly importantly, enjoyed. It inspires me to create more, knowing I can share sexuality in a space where I am not seen as just a sexual thing.

But of course !! The more I think about masturbation and watching women do it, the more I think the sexual aspect is secondary. I couldn't compare better than with music actually. Masturbating is a sheet music that everyone plays, but with its own interpretation. Sex is the instrument with which we play, it is just a support, but the essential is elsewhere and it is a perpetual creation. As in music, one can prefer certain interpretations to others, no pianist plays in the same way une Sonate de Beethoven, some touch you more than others, and if one can observe the hands, the face, the general behavior of 'an interpreter, his virtuosity, the quality of the sound, we especially remember what he gave as a human being.
I never watch a woman masturbate thinking that it is a sexual object even if I may prefer this or that physical type, what I experience above all is the intense emotion of the moment, this extraordinary gift of self, this that women can feel deep in their body and soul while masturbating.
And you are a wonderful performer of the masturbation score, Miriam !!
In fact, masturbating is pure aesthetics, and sex is just the way ...

maurice_B · 25-03-21 16:32:05

_hyperballad_ wrote:

I do feel that everyone is afforded the benefit of the doubt in this space though.
If you write something that is a bit off, someone will let you know, generally pretty nicely, unless you're leather pants guy!

Yeah I know and it's much appreciated. In fact you guys should be awarded a gold medal for superb moderation – you give well-meaning people a pass for small transgressions, gently nudge folks that need to tone down their language, and call out people that clearly overstep the mark. Posts are rarely pulled, if at all, and yet the overall tone is incredibly civil. No other porn site I know can match up to that.

Viva, no need to feel sorry for anything! Occasional vocabulary gaffes are part of my learning curve (and tbh, they don't embarrass me half as much as when I realize in retrospect that a particular post of mine was overintrusive or rambling). I work in the media biz and language is my primary professional tool so I guess I'm a bit oversensitive when it comes to wording.

Alsbosilver, I kind of like the idea of an "appassionata" or "pathétique"-style masturbation session (or in Andras Schiff versus Yuja Wang mode if you prefer). Will need to let that work on my imagination for a while.

viva · 25-03-21 23:47:37

Oh man I love that description Alsbo... having watched SO many videos, I feel what you mean. It's an unconscious dance - even if it starts a bit conscious or she's in her head a bit, that is also part of the natural experience and expression, and ultimately, she can't help but lose herself - its what orgasm is. In order to have one she has to let go... and seeing that, the different ways it comes over each person, what they do when they're flying... yeah its incredible isn't it. 11 years of watching every video on this site, and it's never gotten old.

SLloydnorris · 26-03-21 03:22:49

Y'all are amazing, seriously. Everything you said was just phenomenal, and helpful.

As a straight dude, I'm aware of how easily "well-intended" language can still be hurtful, insulting, or just downright inappropriate, and I really wanted to hear from those in the forums who are pretty active - *especially* from those who are the subjects of the videos. Privilege can turn the male gaze into outright sexism and just all around regrettable words, and I don't want anything to do with it. Figuring out what is and is not acceptable in a community is a relational act, and I really appreciate y'all taking the time to help. Sorry for missing the forum subpost on rules! I'll definitely read that, too. Still learning the ropes around here.

Viva, Miriam, Mikaela, Hyperballad, Redbird (sorry if I missed anyone that I didn't realize was a contributor!), thanks so much for responding. Can't put into words how much I genuinely value your input and all I've seen that you do for the community on the forums.

Side note: As a professor, this forum makes me just so angry at my students...haha they have online forum assignments and the grammar here is so much better it is almost unbelievable. FML, lol. And I'm including yours, Maurice_B!

Also...who is Leather Pants? Is this an inside joke?

viva · 26-03-21 03:58:22

leather pants is a reference to a person who posted on the forum multiple times looking for wet spots on leather pants but like, he treated the forum like a google search box, so he would just spam literally "leather pants wet spots" "leather pants dark stains" etc. I think his name was coolguy??

Mikaela · 26-03-21 04:11:22

Thank you for taking the time to ask us our opinions and thoughts Seth! I think it's so great to see people asking questions that will contribute to these forums being awesome

alsbosilver · 26-03-21 09:27:27

viva wrote:

Oh man I love that description Alsbo... having watched SO many videos, I feel what you mean. It's an unconscious dance - even if it starts a bit conscious or she's in her head a bit, that is also part of the natural experience and expression, and ultimately, she can't help but lose herself - its what orgasm is. In order to have one she has to let go... and seeing that, the different ways it comes over each person, what they do when they're flying... yeah its incredible isn't it. 11 years of watching every video on this site, and it's never gotten old.

It is indeed incredible and deeply moving to be able to have access here to the most intimate part of a woman, not only physical but above all emotionally. I think I've watched 95% of all the videos here from first to last and for some hundreds of times. Each time, even if I know them by heart, I am overwhelmed by a deep emotion, as when I contemplate a painting, that I read a poem or that I listen to a symphony. As I often say and deeply believe, masturbation is a real work of art and each of the contributors are wonderful artists.

Christian (France)

SLloydnorris · 30-03-21 01:58:37

viva wrote:

leather pants is a reference to a person who posted on the forum multiple times looking for wet spots on leather pants but like, he treated the forum like a google search box, so he would just spam literally "leather pants wet spots" "leather pants dark stains" etc. I think his name was coolguy??

Viva, that...OMG hahaha that is just amazing. I love it. And absolutely, Mikaela! Just want to follow all y'all's example

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