desire

viva · 23-09-19 02:19:40

hey folks. would you say male desire is different to female desire? if so how?

smoothed · 23-09-19 04:00:51

i would say male desire is as different and as similar to female desire as apples are to oranges. Their textures and tastes are each unique and distinct, but they both need to be stored cool and eaten fresh. And can both be tossed in a salad.

viva · 23-09-19 04:04:40

I do love having my salad tossed...

JAMMYMAN · 23-09-19 09:13:25

viva wrote:

I do love having my salad tossed...

But I love having my penis tossed.

There's the difference.

viva · 24-09-19 00:36:01

this conversation has been very enlightening thank you all luLo8kq.jpg?1

viva · 24-09-19 03:09:28

I guess what I was thinking about is that for me, desire for my partner - wanting him - is sort of like a tank, that fills and empties, depending on my partner's actions. It's almost like sex doesn't just start in bed, for me - it's like it builds throughout my daily life, every time he makes me smile, I want him just a little bit more, until I just have to have him. If we're fighting or grumpy or just not really tending to the desire (I think of mine like a garden), it just kind of... wilts. I still masturbate but when I do I feel sad. And if it goes on long enough it's like my desire starts to wander. But generally when things are good with my lover my desire flowers are all in bloom, and oriented towards him.

I'm just imagining here, but I think of male desire as being less dependent on what I do or don't do to keep him interested. It's almost like for the partners I've been with, just me being alive and around and me is enough - I don't have to do anything to build his desire, because they have desire independently of me. I do things anyway of course

It seems an extension of my experience in bed too. Like in bed it could be enough for men for me to be present, happy and accept their cock - anything more than that is just icing on the cake. But if I want to be aroused and come, I need my man to do things - like foreplay and oral and fingering.

Can anyone relate? or maybe guys - do you feel that affection and intimacy in daily life also impact your levels of desire like I experience?

_hyperballad_ · 24-09-19 03:12:09

I personally don't see how desire can be binary... I think the expectation of how women & men *should* experience desire is socialised & is often the case particularly with men, policed.

I think that becomes part of why fluid/queer/trans folk scare the bejesus out of people because they can't be neatly categorised. It's why transwomen are chased out of women's bathrooms too.

My belief is that desire is unique to each person, if you sampled enough people you would definitely find groupings - but then if you sampled those same people a decade later it a lot of it would have changed.

Does anyone else find the way you experience desire has fundamentally shifted over the years?

viva · 24-09-19 07:47:04

Sorry, I should have been more specific. I guess I am interested in talking about sexual desire for your partner(s), in relationships. And as far as the binary... well, think of it more as a spectrum then, with male on one side and female on the other, and all shades of everything in between, and maybe if you identify as nonbinary/genderqueer etc, you'd find your desire for your partner to be describable in new terms, which I'd love to hear about.

I have just noticed something in my body and in my experience that seems to match things I've read and seen, and stories I've heard from others - a female-bodied need for foreplay, which I am postulating, perhaps starts even before we get to the bedroom. I know not everyone ever fits in broad-stroke categories. I'm sure there are definitely cis-women and AFAB TGNB people who don't need foreplay at all in their arousal-pattern - but in my experience of reading and researching extensively into sexuality, the broad majority of female-sex-organ having people do.

There's a reality to the difference in the ways female-sex organ arousal and male sex organ arousal work, that's just real. Acknowledging that all people come in their own individual ways, we can also observe that female-bodies and male-bodies come differently to one another. I want to talk about that and I want to talk about where desire comes from, how it's oriented, how it waxes and wanes, if it goes away, how people like to fan the flames for their lovers or how they like them fanned for themselves - that kind of thing. I'm in a hetero-sexual relationship and I think about men and women, so that's why I asked the question that way, but for sure I'm very open to hearing experiences of non-cis people and their desire as well.

_redbird_ · 24-09-19 09:01:15

viva wrote:

I guess what I was thinking about is that for me, desire for my partner - wanting him - is sort of like a tank, that fills and empties, depending on my partner's actions. It's almost like sex doesn't just start in bed, for me - it's like it builds throughout my daily life, every time he makes me smile, I want him just a little bit more, until I just have to have him. If we're fighting or grumpy or just not really tending to the desire (I think of mine like a garden), it just kind of... wilts. I still masturbate but when I do I feel sad. And if it goes on long enough it's like my desire starts to wander. But generally when things are good with my lover my desire flowers are all in bloom, and oriented towards him.
I'm just imagining here, but I think of male desire as being less dependent on what I do or don't do to keep him interested. It's almost like for the partners I've been with, just me being alive and around and me is enough - I don't have to do anything to build his desire, because they have desire independently of me. I do things anyway of course
It seems an extension of my experience in bed too. Like in bed it could be enough for men for me to be present, happy and accept their cock - anything more than that is just icing on the cake. But if I want to be aroused and come, I need my man to do things - like foreplay and oral and fingering.
Can anyone relate? or maybe guys - do you feel that affection and intimacy in daily life also impact your levels of desire like I experience?

Ooh a really interesting topic!! And something I think about often.

For me, because my partner and I were housemates and then friends before we got together I find that when he's doing something else rather than giving me attention is when I find him most attractive. I've always been particularly attracted to people who were into me enough to sleep with me but otherwise weren't complete smitten kittens, so I find it quite confronting at times, being with someone who is SO into me. You described needing that intimacy and sexy check ins etc to stoke the flames of arousal which is what my partner seems to need too and I feel guilty quite often for not being that person for him. He understands that I have issues with intimacy and is very considerate regarding that, but I know that I've hurt him at times for what others may consider "cold" treatment. That's more emotional needs though, because when it comes to sex, he's ready to go any time. I feel some slight pressure at times though because his pleasure is so dependent on mine (i.e he can't/won't get off until I do) so I absolutely get into my head too much.

I find typically "romantic" words, actions and scenarios extremely awkward and will generally ruin the moment within seconds with a sarcastic remark (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not) but he loves those romancy things, so finding a balance between both our needs can be tricky at times for sure.

viva · 25-09-19 00:35:06

That's so interesting! I'm your boyfriend haha! so yeah maybe the gender spectrum is further impacted by individual attachment needs?

So if you get uncomfortable when there's like, loving attention on you, how does that work in bed? are you able to accept the physical attention?

I find that really difficult.

Like my thing is I actually want and need a lot of attention but then I'm also uncomfortable when I get it. So that's fun!

privignus · 02-10-19 20:08:08

viva wrote:

I'm just imagining here, but I think of male desire as being less dependent on what I do or don't do to keep him interested. It's almost like for the partners I've been with, just me being alive and around and me is enough - I don't have to do anything to build his desire, because they have desire independently of me. I do things anyway of course
It seems an extension of my experience in bed too. Like in bed it could be enough for men for me to be present, happy and accept their cock - anything more than that is just icing on the cake. But if I want to be aroused and come, I need my man to do things - like foreplay and oral and fingering.

Are you talking about the demisexual/fullsexual axis? Ie. people who are rarely physically attracted to someone until after they are romantically attracted? Because that is just part of being human with one set of tastes and values, just like people with other tastes and values can have mind-blowing, cloth-shredding sex within an hour of meeting someone.

Men and women have launched deliberate campaigns to make women and men sexually obsessed with them as long as we have writing. If one cock or pussy was as good as another we wouldn't have an Iliad or Sappho or ... who was the leader of the '60s sex cult who ended up murdering people in California?

Marty Klein has talked to a lot of couples, and in his old man yelling at the clouds moods he defines demisexual as "an unnecessary new substitute for the word 'human'." (Or see his post on trust and sex).

privignus · 02-10-19 23:32:40

viva wrote:

I have just noticed something in my body and in my experience that seems to match things I've read and seen, and stories I've heard from others - a female-bodied need for foreplay, which I am postulating, perhaps starts even before we get to the bedroom. I know not everyone ever fits in broad-stroke categories. I'm sure there are definitely cis-women and AFAB TGNB people who don't need foreplay at all in their arousal-pattern - but in my experience of reading and researching extensively into sexuality, the broad majority of female-sex-organ having people do.

Also, from the Internet and family legends I know women who repeatedly have sex with people they just met, or sleep with people they would never live with because the sex is so good.

And I can't always get hard the moment a nice-looking lady offers herself to me. Sometimes I am tired or sometimes I don't know and trust them well enough or sometimes Priapus is having a joke with me (and more often it takes some kissing and stroking and nibbling and teasing before I rise to the occasion). As far as I know, that is true of most men (fortunately, men have lips and hands and Hitachi has personal massagers). Sometimes we get erections when we don't want them, and sometimes we don't when we do.

Its hard to tease out biology, socialization (like boys in some cultures being taught that they have a right to sex from lower-status women, or girls being taught that they need to use sex to catch a man not for pleasure), and the fact that getting naked with someone 20% heavier and 50% stronger than you and opening your body to them is riskier than the other way around. There is the old joke that if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament

Last edited by privignus (02-10-19 23:35:39)

viva · 03-10-19 01:50:39

Hey priv thanks for your comments

I hear you saying that none of my observations can really fairly be coded male or female. You're right that it's hard to tease out biology and socialisation... but that doesn't stop me from trying! I guess what I do is okay for me, but problematic if shared or published, because you can't just make sweeping generalisations since, as you say, all people are different and each man and woman and nonbinary persons are different.

it's hard because I know you're right, everyone is individual and these broad-sweeping statements can hurt us so much - by making us feel we deviate from a norm or don't fit in or there's something wrong with us - and much worse things. Ideas are the tools of oppression and it's so important we don't get caught up in them as immovable truths.

But then, like, ideas can set us free too. my gender identity is really important to me, and identifying as a woman - and exploring what that means - has meant so much to me. Feeling like I'm allowed to embrace some traditional ideas about what it means to be a woman, and still be a feminist, is important to me. And so is thinking of myself as a woman in a relationship, and my partner as a man, in addition to us both as individuals. There's romance there for me. And while I never want us to get bogged down in identities which make us feel "less than", I like it when those identities make us feel more or help us communicate more. Does that make sense?

I think specifically with the foreplay thing, I was the opposite... I felt like girls who weren't me could get wet easily, come easily from sex, and there was something wrong with me. Learning from books like "Come as you are" and "she comes first" and basically most texts about sex, that it's... often the case.. for female-bodied people to need more of a warm-up, made me feel good and excited to share that with my partner. Maybe I shouldn't need validation, but I felt validated by those texts, and other stats and stories from women about their orgasms.

And I know that male-bodies need warm-ups too, and they don't just perform on a dime and shouldn't be expected to.. I would never want to say that. but do you reckon we can't discuss any gender differences at all?

privignus · 03-10-19 09:03:33

I don't know! I just think it is hard to pick the threads apart, especially since I am not very sexually adventurous and since everyone lies about sex. The people like Greta Christina, Naomi Klein, Marty Klein, or sex workers who can speak in the fullness of personal knowledge are all out in some strange corner of human experience (you don't hire a sex therapist because you are satisfied with your sex life ...) I think that its a good point that trying to understand "men" or "women," beyond a few biological facts like 'women can get pregnant' and 'men have a refractory period at the time in the sexual response cycle that women are ready for more', can just get in the way of understanding Jane with the great hair or Jakub with the wonderful laugh.

Did you ever read the book "Sex and Youth" by Bob Altmeyer of "The Authoritarians"? He talks about how with his undergraduate classes, he tried to design a survey of sexual behaviour which might be something close to true, and gives the results.

I am sorry if I sounded like I was preaching! I just find that both men and women find that the other parts of their relationship affect their relationship in bed/on the kitchen counter/in the club toilet ...

viva · 04-10-19 01:16:57

I think we don't have to try and cover every single individual when we have these exploratory conversations about men and women. Whether it's PC or not, it's a very natural form of conversation, so I think it's worthwhile to take a moment and figure out what's good about it, what's problematic about it, and how to it them well.

it's in my nature to extrapolate. and I think generalising can really help in certain ways, just as surely as it can harm, as long as its a process and a discussion rather than a series of rules.

like you talk about the biological fact of women getting pregnant, but it's not just that. we also - almost all of us from puberty to menopause - live in hormonal cycles which totally change our personalities and our experiences of the world over the course of the month. Women experience PMS and all those moments in the cycle in different, individual ways, but what's true is we pretty much told that it's either a huge problem, or with these new products, doesn't have to be a problem.

By observing my own individual experience with periods, I was able to find a new, more empowered way of looking at it. and that makes me want to share that wisdom with other women. in doing so, I'm not trying to say, every woman should or does experience periods like this. I'm saying, hey, look what I found about the woman part of my existence - is this useful for you guys?

If I have inspiration about men or women based on my personal experience with an individual (or a handful of individuals), it feels good to share. I think that's kind of normal and we all do it. Some people write pop-science theory books about it, some people conduct research, and others just talk amongst their friends. Some of it's pure rubbish, and some really helps some people, and doesn't help others at all - "men are from mars and women are from venus" I'm looking at you. But it's natural for humans to collect their observations and want to share.

The main thing is the discourse which results. If we just shut down every exploratory, theoretical conversation before it gets started, saying, "we just can't have this conversation", then we can't get anywhere with our ideas. we can't grow intellectually. Like someone might write "Men Are From Mars", and that means that someone else can write "Men Are From Mars Is Totally Stupid" and someone else can write "Well Men Are From Mars Is Stupid But There's Some Good Stuff In There Too".

Anyway I totally think you're right that both men and women get stimulated by outside relationship stuff. And as Redbird pointed out, it's so effected by our attachment styles as well, like some people need more interaction and togetherness, and some people need more alone time.

I think when I'm reaching out for this male/female stuff I'm kind of looking for conversations where people can relate, agree, disagree - basically I want to talk, but not just about myself, but also about myself

privignus · 04-10-19 19:38:55

viva wrote:

I think when I'm reaching out for this male/female stuff I'm kind of looking for conversations where people can relate, agree, disagree - basically I want to talk, but not just about myself, but also about myself

Hi Viva,

yeah, that is why I am sorry I turned it from passing on my experience and the experiences of my friends to preaching

I liked reading people like Greta Christina or Dan Savage because their experience is so different from mine, but sometimes I feel confused because they are just so sexual, and often they are arguing against ideas I never encountered. And the same for people who are really into alternative gender identities or labels for their sexual preference (I found a sex toy blogger who identifies as asexual and has pegged people, but that is the label that makes sense to her).

It is a problem that many people say "because research on gender or genetic differences has been abused by bigots, we should not research it at all, humans are all the same, in the ideal world there would be people with diverse genders and appearances side by side who all think and act the same." That might be like someone in 1830 saying "there has been no progress in medicine since Hippocrates, doctors are a bunch of quacks, its best to ignore all their theories and just live a moderate life. Humours, miasma, invisible animalicules, it is all nonsense!" But at the same it is really complicated stuff

Have you heard this podcast on hormones in mice and rats and how only studying male and neutered rodents lead to wrong ideas about learning and fear response?

I like that term 'attachment styles.'

viva · 08-10-19 07:11:56

I'm obsessed with attachment theory! all because I read that book "attached" and it has really helped me with my relationship. everyone has different approaches to intimacy and for the majority, with secure attachment systems, it's usually not a problem but then for the anxious and avoidant folks, well, the book helps

I agree that it's super complex, and researching bio-differences between men and women is usually just an excuse for assholes to make weird sexist claims about what women should and shouldn't do. but we can still observe some stuff and talk about it without doing science, just among us chickens.

I asked my boyfriend who's a dr. of sociology about this stuff and he said it's important for the discussion to think about what the majority of people would say when asked questions. not because that means their answers are right, but because it gives us a baseline for discussion and because sometimes intellectual people miss the point by focusing in on too many details.

so to get us back on track, I think that when in general people think about male desire and female desire, they would say there is a difference. I think mostly people would say that it's easier for male bodies to get aroused and have orgasms, female bodies are slower and more complex in their arousal and desire. I mean, there's like a million books on how to make girls come, but... not really any about men. Why? because barring any complicating factors like anxiety or physical health problems, making guys come, on average, is just easier than making girls come.

there's a show called Big Mouth that's in season 3 right now and so many of my girlfriends have pointed at one particular scene and we all laugh cause it's so real. I wish I could link it here but it's not on youtube yet.

It's a (cartoon)teenage girl learning how to have an orgasm (yeah I don't know how this show is legal) and she's got like a scale to represent the course of her arousal. She has a pretty hard time getting the scale to advance, and it's very cute. It's funny because she struggles with her clit being sensitive, fussy and difficult and it's a feeling so many of us can relate to. I recommend the show in general!

JAMMYMAN · 09-10-19 09:06:43

viva wrote:

when I'm reaching out for this male/female stuff I'm kind of looking for conversations where people can relate, agree, disagree

I can relate to what you've been saying Viva. There are broad generalisations which are true ('men experience arousal more frequently and more easily than women, who have a bit longer start-up time', for example) but there are countless variations at the detail level. It's a bit like a patchwork quilt, where countless different and sometimes contrasting pieces of material can, when seen at a distance create an understandable picture.

I think that in every sexual relationship there is some form of discrepancy between the amount and type of desire experienced by the partners. Sometimes that can be a permanent discrepancy, and sometimes it will be an occasional one. We know, for example a married couple where the wife typically likes sex with her husband about three times a week, and has a wank about once a week. He, on the other hand, needs sex several times a day. He's a colourful and likeable character, but doesn't seek full sex outside his marriage, so most of the discrepancy is dealt with by masturbation. We know another couple where the discrepancy is in the other direction, where the wife has a higher sex drive than her husband (it's not helped by the fact that he drinks fairly heavily, so on occasions where he has the desire, he has lost the wherewithal). So it seems that she wanks more than he does.

In my own relationship there are smaller discrepancies, and they are often due to the fact that female physiology is different from mine. You have alluded to the effects of the female monthly cycle, and that plays some part. My wife, though, doesn't have wide variations at different times, except that during the actual period, she shuts down completely in terms of her own sexual needs. I know that's not universally the case, but that's how she's built. She has very expert hands, though, so I don't have to go without for those few days.
Another physiological difference is that she has experienced pregnancy. Her sexual desire levels during pregnancy went through the roof. She needed sexual relief about half a dozen times a day, so intercourse and masturbation levels (both mutual and solitary) reached unprecedented levels. (I'm not complaining. I'm just reporting the facts).

I too like these discussions Viva, and I hope this goes some way to meeting the above quote.

privignus · 09-10-19 21:47:23

viva wrote:

so to get us back on track, I think that when in general people think about male desire and female desire, they would say there is a difference. I think mostly people would say that it's easier for male bodies to get aroused and have orgasms, female bodies are slower and more complex in their arousal and desire. I mean, there's like a million books on how to make girls come, but... not really any about men. Why? because barring any complicating factors like anxiety or physical health problems, making guys come, on average, is just easier than making girls come.

yeah, but like I have said elsewhere, I think there is a misperception that ejaculating is the beginning and end of good sex for men! That gives everyone a simple goal, whereas knowing if a women has come requires talking to her in a state of trust, which some people seem to find hard to do! (And maybe knowing what contractions to watch out for).

I have said before that it is not really how my body works and that I have never had the kind of out-of-this-world sex some people talk about.

And there are big industries medicalizing "impotence" and "premature ejaculation", and jokes about alcohol and limp dicks since Shakespeare! I am not sure guys find it so much easier to come. But I have never had the kind of relationship where you book a hotel room, walk in after a Friday night dinner with an anonymous looking roller bag and some flyers for takeaway, and come out Monday morning looking wan but educated.

privignus · 09-10-19 22:12:20

I am confused because a lot of the cultural messages about sexuality don't match my experience or the experience of my closest friends, and Americans seem to hear messages which are just weird. To me, ejaculating and coming are not the same at all, any more than eating and feasting or going out and having a great evening.

I have male friends who have trouble getting erect and ejaculating when they are tired, under the influence, or don't know their partner well/are not sure they really want to have sex with them. They tell that to me because they trust me.

_redbird_ · 10-10-19 01:31:06

Oh lawd, yes Big Mouth is depressingly real. Such a good show though, I wish I'd seen something like that when I was going through puberty, I would most definitely have felt like less of a freak. It's upsetting how there is such a warped view of sex through a teen's eyes and I wish they would talk about pleasure and consideration towards your sexual partner more during sex ed discussions in school. When I was taught about it in year 8 we were given a very cold and clinical explanation of sex and were then given physical examples of contraception that we had to pass around the class. The real kicker though was that the things we were given were hilariously dated, and the information on them was only relevant to the time they were made (which was the 70's) so there's a bunch of kids in 1998 holding diaphragms and huge metal IUDs and were being told that those were two of our contraceptive choices. Part of me thinks this was a deliberate choice, to dissuade us from having sex by making it look as scary as they can, but it is also entirely possible that my school just didn't have the budget, as this is the same place that I learned the basics of coding on a Commodore 64.

For my partner and I, we're good and on the same page for basically everything except sex. Our needs are so different both physically and psychologically that we struggle at times. He likes sex first thing in the morning whereas I don't. Generally at that time I feel gross and hungry and if I haven't had a coffee yet I will almost always have the start of a headache. He is happy to have sex with me regardless of whether or not I bathed that day/shaved my various bits etc, but one of the things that turns me on most is both of us being freshly bathed and messing up clean sheets with our various fluids. I have an intense dislike of having my legs or arm hairs brushed in the wrong way (I can't even watch someone pat a cat or dog against the hair grain) so if I feel like having sex I have to plan ahead some. He likes it dirty and I like it clean.

His sole motivation during sex is to make me cum and his own pleasure is very much dependent on mine. I love and appreciate the fact that he puts in so much effort (especially after many years of shitty selfish lovers) but I also feel some pressure, and often worry that I'm not cumming as intensely as he'd like every time. He is extremely energetic and has loads of stamina, which I most certainly do not. I love having many orgasms in quick succession and then I'm spent, but he could happily spend hours making me orgasm but most of the time I'd rather just have us both get off and then go to sleep or watch a movie or something. Afterwards he loves to cuddle all night but I absolutely need my own space in bed, and I'm not much of a fan of hugs in general. We discuss these things occasionally but my urge for sex ebbs and flows a lot. Even when I was single this was the case. Sometimes I'd wank three times a day and other times I would go several months without having an orgasm (solo or otherwise). It all very much depends on my mental state.

A major thing that affected our sex life was the Harvey Weinstein case and also at that time (and thereafter) there had been a lot of women murdered in Australia, but particularly Melbourne (a couple of which had happened in the same suburb as me) so I found it extremely difficult to feel like having sex with all these thoughts of atrocities inflicted on women. It's something I still struggle with, and if I'm feeling particularly anxious I can't have sex. I find it a chore to try and feel/give pleasure when my brain is doing so much work. Slowly but surely we're getting back into it, and I think that our housemates moving out will actually be good for us, because we spend so much more time together just one on one and I really enjoy it. We make dinner together and watch Doctor Who. Absolute bliss.

viva · 10-10-19 01:34:46

Jammy, thanks for sharing! I'm so interested in the sex lives of others, which is kind of what I ask these questions for, so yes that's exactly the kind of answer I was hoping for! It's awesome that you know these kinds of details about your friends... I just love that. And it's cool that you have sort of the whole spectrum - a couple where the wife has higher desire, and one where the husband does. The difference in the two you describe there is that it seems the wife who wants sex 3 times a week and one wank has a good, comfy relationship with her sex drive, whereas in the couple where the wife has a higher sex drive, it seems to be a result of the husband maybe not doing so well -alcoholism and maybe he's not feeling too happy in life.

It sounds like you and your partner have a really happy flow where she can engage with you sexually even when her libido's not high, which is so nice! I kind of love when my partner needs me like that, even if I'm not in the mood. It makes me feel... helpful and wanted and needed. Did you feel like that when your wife was pregnant and super horny all the time?

viva · 10-10-19 01:50:35

Redbird, omg thank you so much for this amazing comment... it really helps me understand more when people connect and share the reality of their intimate spaces. I realllllly connected when you said about arm hair being brushed the wrong way!

Me and my boy were having a huge talk about all this stuff last weekend... it can be hard for us. My partner is more like you and I guess I'm a bit more like your partner! Even down to the clean and the dirty!! If one of us showers, my boyfriend wants both of us to shower, he's obsessed! I couldn't care less.

For us sex is incredible, blowjobs and handjobs and general fooling around are all incredible, but focusing on me for foreplay and orgasm is hard, kind of for both of us. My partner is anxious about doing the wrong thing and evidently I didn't realise but like, everytime he touches me I will say it's uncomfortable or it hurts! So he has been scared to try

I think it's like you with the hair going the wrong way! I'm not really good at being touched. I'm very specific about the way I like my hair touched, my back rubbed, my face touched... kind of everything. I thought that was normal and I was awesome cause I was being a good communicator, and showing him what I liked, but over time the effect has been more inhibiting for him than encouraging and helpful.

The talks are hard but getting easier as he starts to understand that I struggle with being touched. If he thinks of himself more as helping me learn my body as he learns too, he can be more reassuring for me and less in need of reassurance. That energy really helps me relax and let him try new things. After our last talk he touched me everywhere except my erogenous zones for what felt like forever, while saying hot and sweet things into my ear, until I really had to beg for it. and that was really in the zone of what it seems like I need.

Last edited by viva (10-10-19 01:52:07)

viva · 10-10-19 01:53:40

Priv, I don't want to take away from your lived, individual experience at all, or your anecdotal knowledge from your friends. I care about messaging and education for men and boys about sex, so thanks for your input here.

I get that there's a difference between "eating out" and a "feast" but in your metaphor, so many women are just plain going hungry. How many pre-orgasmic men are there in the world, compared to pre-orgasmic women? Women who have never had an orgasm, or who have never had a partner make them come, are many. I myself have only experienced having a non-masturbatory orgasm (not using my own hands) twice in my life, and I have had lots of sex. That is more along the lines of the difference I was attempting to discuss. I think most sexually active men have experienced orgasm whether during intercourse or by means of a partner's mouth or hands. Or would you venture that most men are ejaculating but never having orgasms?

_hyperballad_ · 10-10-19 02:07:02

privignus wrote:

I have male friends who have trouble getting erect and ejaculating when they are tired, under the influence, or don't know their partner well/are not sure they really want to have sex with them. They tell that to me because they trust me.

I know women who have literally given birth & have never had an orgasm... They don't masturbate, at all.

This kind of disconnect in women's sexuality is so common it hurts my heart. I'm dedicating a lions share of my sexuality business to this woman because it's that pervasive.

I can also honestly say that I have never met a man that hasn't had an orgasm. ED affected, yes. Anorgasmic, no.

Pop Anorgasmia into Google & you will see just how common this is for people with vulvas.

#1 23-09-19 02:19:40

desire

#2 23-09-19 04:00:51

Re: desire

#3 23-09-19 04:04:40

Re: desire

#4 23-09-19 09:13:25

Re: desire

#5 24-09-19 00:36:01

Re: desire

#6 24-09-19 03:09:28

Re: desire

#7 24-09-19 03:12:09

Re: desire

#8 24-09-19 07:47:04

Re: desire

#9 24-09-19 09:01:15

Re: desire

#10 25-09-19 00:35:06

Re: desire

#11 02-10-19 20:08:08

Re: desire

#12 02-10-19 23:32:40

Re: desire

#13 03-10-19 01:50:39

Re: desire

#14 03-10-19 09:03:33

Re: desire

#15 04-10-19 01:16:57

Re: desire

#16 04-10-19 19:38:55

Re: desire

#17 08-10-19 07:11:56

Re: desire

#18 09-10-19 09:06:43

Re: desire

#19 09-10-19 21:47:23

Re: desire

#20 09-10-19 22:12:20

Re: desire

#21 10-10-19 01:31:06

Re: desire

#22 10-10-19 01:34:46

Re: desire

#23 10-10-19 01:50:35

Re: desire

#24 10-10-19 01:53:40

Re: desire

#25 10-10-19 02:07:02

Re: desire

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