Dating

Blind_Ryan · 06-01-07 10:13:09

I'm going to be honest. I've never been on a date in my whole life. I hear they're really fun and I'm starting college on the 16th (23 is a little late but oh well)

Anyhow, I can chat up girls and make them laugh... I just don't know how to ask that particular question.

How do I ask a girl out?

I'll give an example. There was this AWESOME smelling and sounding Asian woman (these are my criteria ) who was nice and seemed to laugh at my jokes. I go to see her again to apologize for my father who is a goddamn asshole ("Hey Ryan, how about eating her with chopsticks" right when she's behind us) in a week or so (plus I have to pay for books that Voc Rehab picks up for me)

Anyhow, I go and see her. I apologize for my dad being a raging asshole. What then? How do I ask her out? I just want to sit and talk with her a bit, ya know? Kinda feel her out. Get into her head a little.

And I know I can do that well... I just don't know how to right out ask her. I mean, how do you word something like that? You smell, sound, and your personality seems, in all effect, nice. Care for a cup of coffee on your break?

It sounds hokey...

Anyway, this is for after that as well because I'm sure I'll "see" other ones around too. Any advice?

Siobhan · 06-01-07 10:30:09

Such a good question.

I'm kind of unusual in this regard, but as you're also an unusual person, maybe this method will work for you.

I think the whole thing is ass backwards, so I move it around to my liking, and to a way that I love.

I have a six-month rule. I don't even kiss anyone I don't already know well. SO! what does this mean? It means you get to revel in the pleasures of friendship! That can get sooo intoxicating.

Unless you're a hot rich studly guy, or even a hot poor studly guy or the girl equivalent, someone (worthy of you) isn't going to fall all over you on an awkward first or second date. And third date? fuhgittabout it.

A person is going to fall in love with you, Ryan, because you're smart, and you're interesting, and maybe YOU smell good too! (I hope so. no cologne. no smelly deoderant. just the clean, fresh smell of 23 year old niceguy. whose teeth are always brushed and, why take chances, flossed.) You probably have a lovely voice, because you are attentive to the qualities in a voice. And you're probably physically just very nice to be around. You're going to make someone feel really comfortable, so comfortable in your growing and unpossessive and unpressuring friendship that she finds she misses you when you're not around, she notices when you've not written her/called her/come by.

Someone is going to fall in love with you the way they fell in love with their cat, but they'll find they want to curl their head into YOUR lap rather than the other way around.

Your hands are always warm and firm and dry (as opposed to cool and clammy and limp) and she will remember that, because after your third or fourth time hanging out, she will have come to know your hands well -- NOT because you're groping her but because you touch people, and she'll find she misses that.

I've already written way too much. But this is the path I see you taking. The path to intimacy. I could be wrong, but that's what I feel strongly about you.

hope there's something in here that resonates for you.

polarchill · 06-01-07 10:49:32

Siobhan wrote:

Such a good question.
I'm kind of unusual in this regard, but as you're also an unusual person, maybe this method will work for you.
I think the whole thing is ass backwards, so I move it around to my liking, and to a way that I love.
I have a six-month rule. I don't even kiss anyone I don't already know well. SO! what does this mean? It means you get to revel in the pleasures of friendship! That can get sooo intoxicating.
Unless you're a hot rich studly guy, or even a hot poor studly guy or the girl equivalent, someone (worthy of you) isn't going to fall all over you on an awkward first or second date. And third date? fuhgittabout it.
A person is going to fall in love with you, Ryan, because you're smart, and you're interesting, and maybe YOU smell good too! (I hope so. no cologne. no smelly deoderant. just the clean, fresh smell of 23 year old niceguy. whose teeth are always brushed and, why take chances, flossed.) You probably have a lovely voice, because you are attentive to the qualities in a voice. And you're probably physically just very nice to be around. You're going to make someone feel really comfortable, so comfortable in your growing and unpossessive and unpressuring friendship that she finds she misses you when you're not around, she notices when you've not written her/called her/come by.
Someone is going to fall in love with you the way they fell in love with their cat, but they'll find they want to curl their head into YOUR lap rather than the other way around.
Your hands are always warm and firm and dry (as opposed to cool and clammy and limp) and she will remember that, because after your third or fourth time hanging out, she will have come to know your hands well -- NOT because you're groping her but because you touch people, and she'll find she misses that.
I've already written way too much. But this is the path I see you taking. The path to intimacy. I could be wrong, but that's what I feel strongly about you.
hope there's something in here that resonates for you.

Stop it. I'm not supposed to stare dreamily at lesbians. It's just wrong, somehow.

Blind_Ryan · 06-01-07 10:50:25

See, the kicker is, I don't know how to initiate that kind of friendship. How do you tell a sales clerk she's cute and you fancy her (to borrow a british phrase)

You described my friendships up to the head resting (though I'd like that. I'm huggable )

I just want to hang out with this girl. Get in her head far enough to where we CAN be friends. Maybe a sales clerk isn't the best but god DAMN she was cute.

I smell as nice as a 290 pounder can. It's hard work but, by God, I must smell nice without cologne

It's just... telling them you'd like to be friends with them. That's where I fuck up. Here, it's easy. I find a topic or make one and stick my nose in it. Simple. Just not quite so when you want to meet with, dig into her head, and develop a friendship with, not just anyone, but a drop-dead (you have to assume these things) gourgous girl.

The spark is there because the laugh was too real (I can tell these things.) I just need to know how to fan the flame without putting it out.

It's kinda like I've got the before and after fine but the middle (the most important part) is missing.

Odd visual

Edit: Polarchill, I'm less then surprised that she's a lesbian and I don't give two shits from sunday. Advice is advice and I take everything I can get. Besides, I like new perspective as much as old

Last edited by Blind_Ryan (06-01-07 11:04:28)

polarchill · 06-01-07 11:20:45

Blind_Ryan wrote:

Edit: Polarchill, I'm less then surprised that she's a lesbian and I don't give two shits from sunday.

That's because you're a good person and she's a kick-ass one. Good combination for getting along.

Siobhan · 06-01-07 11:47:54

Blind_Ryan wrote:

See, the kicker is, I don't know how to initiate that kind of friendship. How do you tell a sales clerk she's cute and you fancy her (to borrow a british phrase)

The point I was trying to make was this: don't.

It's that simple.

In fact, it would fuck things up right now, in my opinion and experience.

Pretend like she's one of us: Polarchill, for example. (because she is. Your current excited feelings about her do not actually change who she, in essence, is: a person, and interesting person. that she smells good and is appealing to you just get to be PERKS at this point! enjoy them!

And then -- Do what you do! What you do here. How would that translate to three dimensions? Well, thank GOD she works in a bookstore (you thought there was something WRONG with that?! Dude, you're a geek! Bookstore chicks are PERFECT! Just think -- what if you'd crossed paths with a Manicurist who smelled good?! You'd be shit outta luck, because (no offense to manicurists and other aestheticians, some of my best friends squeeze zits for a living) she might not enjoy reading or being the geeks that we all are.

Best thing when you like a bookstore clerk is to say, gee, i wonder if you can help. I'm in such a dry spell these days. can't find a thing that keeps my attention. If (here you can borrow a line from JessicaXmas) If you could recommend THREE books that I'm not likely to have read, what woudl they be?

Be very chill about the question. Not exciteable. Women HATE when you are obviously excited. fuck it. so do guys. pisses me off.

Anyway.
Casually appreciative is good. If you think you might be moving into either letch or jumpy puppy dog territory, immediately imagine that you're talking to the woman she WILL be, 40 years from now, and speak with that kind of respect and charm but that kind of polite reserve. She's a human being. that's the first part.

See, so then you've got a book to thank her for recommending. Then you get to have a pattern. YOU control the pattern, because she's stuck in the bookstore and you know where to find her, and so you either go in once a week or twice or whatever.

Bookstores are famous for cultivating weirdo clientele. You don't want to be one of those. If you're blind, weigh 290 pounds, and are a video game fanatic who is also way smart in an autodidactic kind of way, it could either work two ways: weirdo or favorite . I think we know enough about you to know you can be the latter. You just have to not be a pest. Be the person they're happy to see.

Oh -- and you're not just cultiavting HER, you're cultivating all her colleagues. So when you walk in the door, everyone's happy. That is what's going to work in your grand scheme.

I don't know if any of this is sticking for you.
If so, next time we can talk about what happens after :

Visit #1) ask about book recs -- whoops NO!

Visit #11) apologize about dad. (good call, that.)

Visit #2) ask about book recs.

Visit #33)thank her for rec and tell her how much you're enjoying, say, David Mitchell's Ghostwritten. (and of course you will. Because a) it's a great book. and b) she loved it. that makes it inherently more interesting.
tell her why you're enjoying it. don't sound pompous. ask her some question -- " Did you find that. . . ?"

(do not get ahead of yourself. this is slow and steady stuff, getting to know someone whose bones you want to jump!)

Stay tuned for Visit #4 !

good night.

-------

polarchill. sweet. thank you.

Calenture · 06-01-07 14:26:11

I think the responses on this thread illustrate perfectly why the IFM forum is such a nice place to hang out. Good luck Blind_Ryan, and my advice is - listen to Siobhan!

The_Elfman · 06-01-07 17:07:16

Blind_Ryan wrote:

See, the kicker is, I don't know how to initiate that kind of friendship.

Join the club mate. If we are honest a lot of men (if not most) share your difficulty. I love the company of women and have had a large number of female friends throughout my life. I am very relaxed in their company but if the prospect of a romantic possibility raises it's head I go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel. In fact in most of my romantic relationships it was the woman who made the first move. (I'm 54 incidentaly so don't think that age has anything to do with it).

My advice would be to follow Siobhan's. She's a smart cookie and knows of where she speaks. Take it slow and feel your way in.

Elfman

annoula · 06-01-07 18:54:59

Another little tidbit...after getting to know her a bit more...

Instead of asking her out and waiting any type of answer, you could just let her know you have been thinking about her...

Honesty and self confidence.

Sharing something intimate without waiting for approval is sexy in my books.

And that's how my boyfriend got me interested after i knew him for a while, Siobhan style...

Blind_Ryan · 06-01-07 21:00:24

Now I get what Siobhan was saying. She doesn't work at a bookstore per-say. It's more of a campus store. Good thing I'll always need supplies. "Here to pick up my paper/printer/pencils/etc."

Maybe I can STILL ask her favorite book or at least what she's trying to accomplish working in that store where people like my Dad come in and make racist and sexist remarks all at once.

Now all I gotta do is remember this shit for when I need it.

btw, Siobhan IS a smart cookie... a smart chocolate-chip cookie... a rare confection only enjoyed by those of us who know what secrets her chocolate chunks and gooey-dough-turned-cookie hold.

Last edited by Blind_Ryan (06-01-07 21:01:54)

#1 06-01-07 10:13:09

Dating

#2 06-01-07 10:30:09

Re: Dating

#3 06-01-07 10:49:32

Re: Dating

#4 06-01-07 10:50:25

Re: Dating

#5 06-01-07 11:20:45

Re: Dating

#6 06-01-07 11:47:54

Re: Dating

#7 06-01-07 14:26:11

Re: Dating

#8 06-01-07 17:07:16

Re: Dating

#9 06-01-07 18:54:59

Re: Dating

#10 06-01-07 21:00:24

Re: Dating

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