#1 01-12-06 08:16:18

polarchill

Member

Registered: 14-09-06

Posts: 585

What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

Mind you, I carefully didn't say "the worst", because I don't want people to dredge up memories of the most god-awfully extreme or unpleasant porn clips (or full-length movies) they've seen.  No, I'm talking about stupid porn, made by people who just shouldn't have been given film (or video) equipment.  You know, the equivalent of a comedy in which there are no laughs, or a horror movie in which you can clearly see the zipper running down the monster's back.

We've all run across a few of these adult "gems", haven't we?  A couple goes at it, as the film crew is clearly seen reflected in the mirror behind the bed; perhaps the director cuts to a closeup for the "money shot", and suddenly the "lead penis" has a large tattoo that wasn't there before, suggesting the creative use of stock footage . . .

My own example?  On one "porn night" back in college, due to a hasty rental selection, a loungeful of us eager young guys and gals got to see the following scene:

A roomful of people were supposedly engaged in an orgy, but mostly were just fumbling around on the floor, while most of the real action went on around a couple of bongs that were being passed around.  It went on like this for several minutes (in several liiiiiiingering master shots, editing not being big on the production's priority list).

Back in the real world, my friends were beginning to suggest (in the very polite way that only young college men can) that I put in another tape before someone hurled the VCR against the wall (ladies and gentlemen, I give you our future).  As I stood up to comply with this "request", someone in the back said:

"Hold on . . . Is . . . is that chick playing the piano with her pussy?"

Um . . . yes.  Yes, she was.  For some reason there was now a nude woman standing in the corner of the room in front of a dingy upright piano (music lovers and sensitive souls should go no farther).  She had one of her labia pinched between the thumb and forefinger of each hand, and stretched each one out just enough that she could lean forward and hit the keys of the piano.  I seem to recall (although this might just be the hazy memory of several years back) that she was attempting to play "Chopsticks".

It didn't seem particularly cruel (she seemed to . . . like the piano, I guess . . . ), but this kind of thing raises questions.  Did the director think there was an audience for this type of scene?  Did he say to himself, "You know what's REALLY going to turn people on? See that piano over there?"  Did he think perhaps it was time for a moment of slapstick (well, not stick, but . . . hell, what DO you call it?) comedy, in a movie that had mainly just been people reciting dull lines to each other then hopping into bed?  Did someone ask for suggestions on how to liven the scene up, and the actress in question raised her hand and said, "Well, I can play the piano . . ."?  Or was the entire production so stoned at this point that they were just winging it?  (I would personally guess number four, but who knows)

We never found out how the film ended.  Actually, by the time I popped the tape out, about half the lounge had wandered off, muttering to itself .  Perhaps if we'd had any music majors on our floor . . .

So . . . incompetent porn? Anyone?

---

--
Polarchill

msnevil

Member

Registered: 18-03-06

Posts: 330

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

"Le bete" Bigfoot sex.

http://frenchfilms.topcities.com/nf_La_Bete_rev.html

polarchill

Member

Registered: 14-09-06

Posts: 585

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

Well, there's something you don't see every day.

---

--
Polarchill

Nowaysis

Member

From: Sweden

Registered: 22-03-06

Posts: 497

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

Beware the dino porn. Definately not safe for work!

In my opinion, the best performance in this piece is actually given by the dinosaur mouth featured in the lower edge of the shot.

---

Let us scatter our clothes to the wind

The_Elfman

Member

From: Yorkshire & Imladris

Registered: 17-07-06

Posts: 1,028

Website

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

There is short series of vids made by one of the big Russian stables featuring four girls who basically hang out in an apartment and take photos of each other with not many clothes on.  There is no actual sex in any of these and amidst the usual endless tasteless dross churned out by the Russian porn machine they have a kind of charm.  There is a certain chemistry between the girls which could be very erotic but is ruined by bad lighting, poor camera work and thoughtless direction.  I can't help but wonder what this series might have been in the hands of people like Max or Richard.

Elfman

---

Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense

Cate

Member

Registered: 10-05-06

Posts: 470

Website

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

I don't know about incompetent but I've heard funny things about Slutty and Sluittier a porno that manages to contain cum snorting.

A personal favourite in tackiness is Teens For Cash which is just so amazingly trashy you have to love it.

polarchill

Member

Registered: 14-09-06

Posts: 585

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

I don't know about incompetent but I've heard funny things about Slutty and Sluittier a porno that manages to contain cum snorting.

A personal favourite in tackiness is Teens For Cash which is just so amazingly trashy you have to love it.

That sounds like the title of a do-it-yourself show on HGTV . . .

---

--
Polarchill

The_West_Wind

Member

From: Australia

Registered: 20-05-06

Posts: 331

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

I was in the US and the guys I was rooming with decided to get the porn channel. We were about 17 at the time and while they were getting their rocks off on the box, and the girls were squealing in disgust by what they saw, I couldn't help but notice that in one particular scene of the film they chose, the guy was wearing a pair of skin coloured pants. At closer inspection there was actually no intercourse taking place at all. There was some pretty cleaver lighting tricks, but there was absolutely zero shagging.

Later in the film there was a scene where "she" was giving the guy head. Girls in the background squealing, guys going "Phwwwwarrrr!" every few seconds and sending me off to get more ice from the maching in the washroom, it was easy to see that is was a ball with a wig.
Ofcourse, I was promptly ejected when I pointed this out and spent most of the night in the hallway of the Holiday Inn, San Francisco 1997.

---

Well... there was nothing in my dark side that really interested me. I guess I just dont have what it takes to be a bad guy.

aven frey

Video editor

Registered: 24-02-06

Posts: 2,577

Website

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

A personal favourite in tackiness is Teens For Cash which is just so amazingly trashy you have to love it.

Well on your Christmas Party advise Cate I went and checked this out, since then I've been hanging out on street corners with to much make up on waiting for some old dudes to roll up in their car and offer me $100 dollars to go for a ride with them, to no avail. sigh. Maybe I'm to old.

polarchill

Member

Registered: 14-09-06

Posts: 585

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

A personal favourite in tackiness is Teens For Cash which is just so amazingly trashy you have to love it.

Well on your Christmas Party advise Cate I went and checked this out, since then I've been hanging out on street corners with too much makeup on waiting for some old dudes to roll up in their car and offer me $100 dollars to go for a ride with them, to no avail. sigh. Maybe I'm too old.

Yeah, right.

A) I respect you too much as a person;

B) Your street corners are too far away;

C) If I rolled up in my car you'd laugh at it;

D) I'm not that old;

E) $100?  Silly incompetent pornographers.  See, this is why people
    call it a fantasy world;

F) I couldn't afford what it would be worth (which would involve
    repenting for all past sins, paying off all my debts, doing a few
    years of community service, and possibly donating a kidney)

G) When I rolled up you'd still look in the window and
    say, "I don't THINK so, mister."

*sigh* Alas, things that were never meant to be.  At least you make a fascinating friend.  Um, where did you put that tape you checked out?

---

--
Polarchill

Cate

Member

Registered: 10-05-06

Posts: 470

Website

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

A personal favourite in tackiness is Teens For Cash which is just so amazingly trashy you have to love it.

Well on your Christmas Party advise Cate I went and checked this out, since then I've been hanging out on street corners with to much make up on waiting for some old dudes to roll up in their car and offer me $100 dollars to go for a ride with them, to no avail. sigh. Maybe I'm to old.

Max maybe if we stand on the corner together with our hair in pigtails all our christmas wishes will come true

Oh and we have to have lollipops

Last edited by Cate (19-12-06 00:15:34)

aven frey

Video editor

Registered: 24-02-06

Posts: 2,577

Website

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

so it was the lollipops or lack there of!

Polarchil it's $100 just to get in the car, but even still at the end the girls apparently walk away with at the most $1400 - now I hope that is fantasy because if not thats a rip!

polarchill

Member

Registered: 14-09-06

Posts: 585

Re: What's the Most Incompetent Porn You've Ever Seen?

so it was the lollipops or lack there of!

Polarchil it's $100 just to get in the car, but even still at the end the girls apparently walk away with at the most $1400 - now I hope that is fantasy because if not thats a rip!

"How can we afford such outrageously low prices? Volume!"

---

--
Polarchill