I wonder if you can solve this problem

blissed · 04-11-06 19:42:51

Your in your own personal space craft on your way back from the lesbian planet Zorg after freeing the people there from the oppressive emperor Zong, and you find you've run out of coffee, so you try some of the stuff the queen Sapphera gave you as a gift and it's starts to make you aroused, in fact eventually it makes you aroused to the point of delirium, your dizzy and eventually you loose consciousness and can't control the space craft. Meanwhile the earth is getting closer and closer, and it looks like your gonna die.
OMG!! how can you be saved!!!!!!!!?

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The_Elfman · 04-11-06 20:12:58

I don't drink coffee.

Nowaysis · 05-11-06 00:31:51

The_Elfman wrote:

I don't drink coffee.

Oh my God! I thought I was the only one.. *sniffle*

dyslexius · 05-11-06 03:29:00

In order to free Zorg's population from Zong's oppressive grip, I had to excise an essential part of the evil emperor, the ZongDong. An investigation on the planet Zorg revealed I had done so, and since the Zorg Council of Cultural Artifacts had plans for preserving and exhibiting the ZongDong, a symbol of their long term oppression and eventual liberation, they despatched the famous wizardress pair, Ruth and Sarah, to magically snatch me from Earth's gravitational pull and return me to the now green and peaceful planet Zorg. I was not mistreated upon return, in fact, I was appointed caretaker of the exhibit of the Dong of Zong so long as I succeeded in writing a long song for the Dong of Zong.

--dyslexius

Last edited by dyslexius (05-11-06 04:39:03)

antiface · 05-11-06 07:19:55

Good thing I drink Chai tea, and not coffee.

Oh, and as for avoiding the Earth? Can't...you're screwed.

blissed · 05-11-06 13:32:44

Sapphera Queen of Zorg wrote:

Dear Dyslexius
Please except our heartfelt gratitude and love at ridding our planet of the evil
Zong and his even more evil dong. We now live in a truly happy place.
However on dispatching Ruth and Sarah to rescue you I knew that being unable to safely land on earth, the other half of your mission would unfortunately be lost and I speak here as Queen of the entirely lesbian planet of Zorg, so of course we still desperately need regular supplies of sperm!!!!!. I have heard of a place called IFM where large amounts of this are just going to waste, I'm not exactly sure where it is as our spermotron is getting readings from all over the planet. but it seems to all be of above average quality and the quality reading goes way way way! off the scale in Yorkshire!!! Ooooooooh!! So perhaps it's there. Anyway, you've done sooo much for us already, but if you were to except this mission and do this for us, we would be most eternally grateful. There are 12 million women on Zorg, please please let us know what we can do for you.

Yours as ever
Sapphera Queen of Zorg
.

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dyslexius · 05-11-06 17:51:23

to Sapphera, Queen of Zorg...
My appointment as Curator of the Dong of Zong is more than ample reward, your highness. I must remain here to shepherd the Council of Cultural Artifacts initiative to add sevaral rare dings to the Zong Dong exhibit (as I am sure you know, I'm the most qualified to oversee this new shift to Dingdongs here in the Ancient Legacy of Zong Dong wing of your new museum). By the way, may I call you "Sappy," your highness?
Your servant,
--dyslexius, Principal Ding-Dong, Zorg Council of Cultural Artifacts

The_Elfman · 05-11-06 18:02:28

Sapphera Queen of Zorg wrote:

I'm not exactly sure where it is as our spermotron is getting readings from all over the planet. but it seems to all be of above average quality and the quality reading goes way way way! off the scale in Yorkshire!!!

JF!!! Stop it or you'll go blind!!!

Burlesque · 05-11-06 18:08:20

The_Elfman wrote:

Sapphera Queen of Zorg wrote:
I'm not exactly sure where it is as our spermotron is getting readings from all over the planet. but it seems to all be of above average quality and the quality reading goes way way way! off the scale in Yorkshire!!!
JF!!! Stop it or you'll go blind!!!

Is this what's called "shifting the blame"? Come on, Elf, we all know it's you!

Burlesque.

Journeyfan · 05-11-06 21:20:25

Burlesque wrote:

The_Elfman wrote:
Sapphera Queen of Zorg wrote:
I'm not exactly sure where it is as our spermotron is getting readings from all over the planet. but it seems to all be of above average quality and the quality reading goes way way way! off the scale in Yorkshire!!!
JF!!! Stop it or you'll go blind!!!
Is this what's called "shifting the blame"? Come on, Elf, we all know it's you!
Burlesque.

Ouch! - the sound of JF falling over his white stick needed since the guide dog disappeared - (BTW Burlesque, knowing how much you have acquired a "taste" for all things furry, you haven't possibly eaten - er, sorry - seen a Golden Retriever in your area recently have you? There is a sizeable reward for her safe return you know!)

(BTW - My eyesight was fine until late April this year.... Now when was it I joined IFM? ..... Oh yes, mid-April!)

Don't be embarrassed Elf, we've nothing to be ashamed of - note the quality reading in Yorkshire - it must be all the Yorkshire Pudding, Black Pudding and Tripe all washed down with Samuel Smith's Old Brewery Bitter - nutritional nirvana!

Sorry, but I couldn't resist posting these Youtube links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjBYueY-R84

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9do-xN52Gxo

Oh how crude!!

Now where did I put that damned white stick!

JF

Last edited by Journeyfan (05-11-06 21:47:46)

Burlesque · 05-11-06 22:02:23

Was that your Golden Retriever, JF? Well, take comfort in the fact that he didn't go to waste. I ate his friendly, trusting little face with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Burlesque, the omnivore.

Last edited by Burlesque (05-11-06 22:03:51)

The_Elfman · 05-11-06 22:45:12

Journeyfan wrote:

it must be all the Yorkshire Pudding, Black Pudding and Tripe all washed down with Samuel Smith's Old Brewery Bitter

Do you know if you can you still get Old Brewery at The Angel JF? They knocked it off at The Brown Hare well over a year ago.

Elfman.

Journeyfan · 06-11-06 02:04:15

Burlesque wrote:

Was that your Golden Retriever, JF? Well, take comfort in the fact that he didn't go to waste. I ate his friendly, trusting little face with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Burlesque, the omnivore.

"I ate his friendly trusting little face...." - When I read those words I thought that there may be hope of her return yet then! (Come to think of it though .... I always did think it strange that she used to cock her leg up at trees, but the guy at the guide dog training school definitely referred to her as a "bitch" .... at least I've always presumed he was referring to the dog!

Still, I should have realised where she/he had disappeared to, as the last time I saw her/him? was on the way to the vet for a precautionary rabies shot after that rather unfortunate encounter with a rat. Just as we were approaching the vet's surgery, "Flossie" slipped her collar and made a B-line for the open door of a large articulated lorry. Unfortunately, by the time I got there the lorry had pulled away and I could vaguely make out what looked like the words Svenska Haulage, Stockholm on the rear of the lorry!

Looks like "Flossie" made it to Stockholm after all then and I didn't even have to pay for a vet's bill as she never had the injection.... Burlesque are you alright?.... Why are you frothing at the mouth? .... I suppose it does explain your somewhat erratic behaviour of late.

JF

P.S. ".... a nice Chianti" - Should we refer to you as "Hannibal Burlesque" from now on then? - (makes slurping sound ala Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal Lecter. )

Last edited by Journeyfan (06-11-06 20:57:30)

Journeyfan · 06-11-06 02:17:19

The_Elfman wrote:

Journeyfan wrote:
it must be all the Yorkshire Pudding, Black Pudding and Tripe all washed down with Samuel Smith's Old Brewery Bitter
Do you know if you can you still get Old Brewery at The Angel JF? They knocked it off at The Brown Hare well over a year ago.
Elfman.

Which "Angel" - Rothwell or Bradford Road?

I don't think they serve Old Brewery at The Angel in Rothwell, but I haven't been there for several years and I've never been in The Angel on Bradford Road. (I'm not what you'd call a regular pub goer - these days I'm more likely to enjoy a bottle of wine at home - though I have "had my moments" in the past!)

I think the last decent pint of OBB I can remember was several years ago in Selby (I think the pub was called The Cricketers").

(In the late 70's Mum and Dad owned an Off-Licence/corner shop and we stocked bottled "OBB" and Sam Smith's Brown Ale. People used to come from all over the local area, as they couldn't find it for sale anywhere else at the time).

OBB is a lovely pint, but we used to refer to it as "Liquid Pickfords" because if drunk in sufficient quantities, like the removal company Pickfords, it could "shift owt!" - the best laxative known to mankind!

JF

The_Elfman · 06-11-06 04:28:06

I mean the Angel in Leeds town centre JF. In the arcades near the Schofield Centre just behind The City Varieties.

The Brown Hare on Harehills Lane used to serve a lovely pint of OB but stopped selling it because not many of their customers drunk it.

Elfman.

blissed · 06-11-06 04:41:56

Sapphera Queen of Zorg wrote:

Dearest Dyslexius
I have not 8 hours ago dispatched linsey, Racheal, Laura, and vicious Sophie on a journey to earth with the sole purpose of extracting as much sperm as possible from Elfman. They will have almost certainly arived and be in his company as we speak.(in fact for the next 12 and a half hours) While they are there I have asked them to instruct him to continue to post in this forum so that we may all gain some insight into the extraction proccess.
Anyway, Of course you must stay to add as many dings or dongs or whatever you want to your collection. It just seems a little odd that with 12 million women at your disposal you want to spend all day looking at, talking about and cleaning a collection of slightly strange looking penis's. ............still, whatever floats your boat.
Love and kisses
Sapphera xoxoxoxoxo
Sapphy to you petal
.

blissed · 06-11-06 07:10:04

Sapphera wrote:

Takes one to know one
.

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blissed · 06-11-06 07:29:23

Ha ha You wanna find a shrink who isn't nuts then, could be where your going wrong Sorry , I can say exactly what I like to you as I'm 12000 miles away and not in any physical danger

.

Burlesque · 06-11-06 10:23:33

Journeyfan wrote:

Looks like "Flossie" made it to Stockholm after all then and I didn't even have to pay for a vet's bill as she never had the injection.... Burlesque are you alright?.... Why are you frothing at the mouth? .... I suppose it does explain your somewhat erratic behaviour of late.
JF
P.S. ".... a nice Chianti" - Should we refer to you as "Hannibal Burlesque" from now on then? - (makes slurping sound ala Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal Lector. )

No, that's all right, I have always been frothing at the mouth, thank you for asking. However, that's "Lecter" with two e's, and besides we already have a Dr. Lecter on this site, and I wouldn't dream of appropriating the honour.

Burlesque.

Lia · 06-11-06 10:32:32

Burlesque wrote:

Journeyfan wrote:
Looks like "Flossie" made it to Stockholm after all then and I didn't even have to pay for a vet's bill as she never had the injection.... Burlesque are you alright?.... Why are you frothing at the mouth? .... I suppose it does explain your somewhat erratic behaviour of late.
JF
P.S. ".... a nice Chianti" - Should we refer to you as "Hannibal Burlesque" from now on then? - (makes slurping sound ala Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal Lector. )
No, that's all right, I have always been frothing at the mouth, thank you for asking. However, that's "Lecter" with two e's, and besides we already have a Dr. Lecter on this site, and I wouldn't dream of appropriating the honour.
Burlesque.

Oh, come now - you've just been naughty in evading wearing that muzzle mask thing in public places like you've been told to. Repeat after me and rinse: It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it loses its sycophant leader privileges again.

Burlesque · 06-11-06 10:37:12

I forgot to wear the mask. It won't happen again! Very often. And look who's talking. With your bile problem, you really should fasten some kind of sanitary safety device to your face yourself!

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (06-11-06 20:08:09)

Lia · 06-11-06 10:45:04

The mask is there for your own safety. The prevention of face-eating and making obscene slurping sounds is really just a bonus.

I'm sure my Evian skin cream and my L'Air du Temps (and my good bag and my cheap shoes) would have a similar softening effect on my bile, thankyouverymuch. But... Since we're getting all intertextual, I could don a Dennis Hopper Blue Velvet-esque oxygen mask. That'd be dead sexy. Especially if I upped it with Herr Hopper's Freudian drivel.

Last edited by Lia (06-11-06 10:45:35)

Burlesque · 06-11-06 10:56:21

I have tried, and satisfactorily concluded that I can still make slurping sounds in spite of the mask. It just makes them echo perversely, which is, as you say, a bonus.

There is some debate as to whether or not Mr. Hopper's mask provided him with actual oxygen. He himself has stated that it may have been supposed to introduce something more colourful into his system, but that's of course why you oh so coyly suggest you may wish to equip yourself with such a piece of couture.

Then there's always the possibility of nailing someone else's face to one's own à la Texas Chain Saw Massacre. That way one can always blame that other person for one's bile/face snacking activities, especially since said person is unlikely to be in any shape to deny any accusation levelled at him or her. Food for thought, as it were.

Burlesque.

Lia · 06-11-06 11:06:29

Oooh, muffled, garbled slurping. Even better. That sounds even more delightfully sick and twisted and "Mummy, Mummy, make the bad man stop"-esque.

Of course, of course. Bearing in mind, however, that whilst I may or may not want to ingest such exquisite substances through the oxygen mask (which I will thusly neither confirm nor deny; my discretion dwarfs Hopper's), I have no apparent desire to initiate erotic trysts with my mother, or my mother as depicted by Isabella Rosselini. I mean, really.

Ed Gein is always to bloody blame, damn it, when it comes to, er, skinning people and finding creative and exotic ways of taxidermying them - Lambs, Chainsaw, Psycho; they all exploit the simple pleasures of a man who just had a nice pleasant penchant for grave-robbing.

But whose face would one use for this er nailing and subsequent evasion of responsibility? As per usual, I say James Spader's. The glazed perversion of those dead kiddy-fiddling fish-eyes would be the perfect foil to mask one's chaste innocence.

blissed · 06-11-06 15:27:52

blissed wrote:

Ha ha You wanna find a shrink who isn't nuts then, could be where your going wrong Sorry , I can say exactly what I like to you as I'm 12000 miles away and not in any physical danger

.

Sapphera Queen of Zorg wrote:

Dear Liandra
Just ignore Blissed, he lives in his own fantasy world and has special needs.
Please except an invitation to Zorg as my special guest, I think you'll like it here. You'll even get to meet Elfman! Surprisingly, on our arrival he struggled like all hell so we had to abduct him. (he's a ficety little thing) Sophie has remained in his house posting in his account to mod the forum. Don't worry, when we've sucked all the spunk out of him we'll return him unharmed.
Love
Sapphera
,

.

Last edited by blissed (06-11-06 16:24:28)

#1 04-11-06 19:42:51

I wonder if you can solve this problem

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