Sex Drive & Masturbation

stevejholmes · 02-11-06 16:48:36

I have been with my present partner for approx 11 yrs and her sex drive has slowly diminished over the years. We have a designated 'sex night' on Saturdays basically to keep me happy. My partner says that she has no sex drive. About six months ago I woke up in bed to find her masturbating and when I mentioned it the following day she said she was basically doing no more than scratching an itch and she probably did it about every 2-3 months

Yesterday during the afternoon I talked her into agreeing to have sex later that night. I was out until about 10.30pm and we had sex when I got back. Today I found out that she had had the vibrator out of my bedroom drawer. (we usually use this vibrator together) and therefore she must have masturbated while I was out and before knowing that we were to have sex later. Is this the action of someone with no sex drive? I suspect that she masturbates a lot more often than she makes out. Do I confront her about it?

I should add that she finds it hard to orgasm during sex and I usually masturbate her after I have come. Should I ask her to tell me how often she masturbates?

The_Elfman · 02-11-06 17:52:32

Hello stevejholmes. Welcome to the site and thank you being so frank. I would like to hear the views of some of the ladys on this but my imediate response is that it never hurts to talk. Perhaps there is some element to your sex life which your wife might like to change. I am going to get very personal here so please forgive me if I ask if everything else in your relationship is OK?

Elfman.

stevejholmes · 02-11-06 17:58:28

Yes, generally things are ok. During sex my partner certainly appears to enjoy it. She never tells me what she wants or likes though.

She tells me she loves me only when I say it to her first and rarely shows signs of affection, touches, kisses etc although she has always been like that

blissed · 02-11-06 18:19:59

Hi stevejholmes welcome to the forum
Bear in mind I'm not an expert and may be totally wrong OK, but this is an attempt.

To me loving someone means consciously caring about them and not wanting to hurt them. but our libidos are subconscious involuntary natural selectors and quite cruel, if hers has become bored with you I would think she's very definitely not ever going to tell you that ever. but there will be thoughts and notions that arouse her. If you can try and be as honest as pos with each other at least enough to find out what those are. They might be extremely kinky or about someone famous or just someone else or you might have to dress up like Batman or whatever who cares you may not have to do anything else but except them, but if you can do that, you can re-engage with her and possibly develop ways to arouse her yourself. In the meantime whats usually advised is to just touch each other, without having sex or an orgasm so you just have pleasure that isn't goal orientated at all, thats a good way to re-engage. Hope it helps.

.

Last edited by blissed (02-11-06 18:26:33)

stevejholmes · 02-11-06 18:40:20

Thank you blissed. Yes you could be right in that my partner is bored with me sexually. Her lack of communication is a problem though. I will do anything to satisfy her but she never tells me what she wants

blissed · 02-11-06 19:06:28

It's a bit like saying to someone what do you want for your birthday. I think it's much nicer to be pleasantly surprised, but to have some idea of what is a pleasant surprise perhaps you shouldn't ask her what she wants, but what general thoughts and notions turn her on. then you could think of something Be great if it's something that turns you on too. Even if that fails I think you trying this is bound to be appreciated.

If all this fails seek the help of a proffessionally trained counseller. Even if the advice is exactly the same as your getting here or from other forums the credibility they have is going to engage her and it's that comunication between you that will probly solve all your problems.

.

Last edited by blissed (03-11-06 02:50:54)

gala · 03-11-06 00:13:42

1. scheduled sex is most likely not healthy sex, particularly in the way you're describing it, which is that it's intended to keep one partner happy.

2. our own masturbatory habits are our own business, unless we invite others to participate in or know about them. for some folks, masturbation and sex with partners are completely different sexual outlets that engage with sexual energy in different ways. perhaps by 'no sex drive' she means 'no partnered sex drive.' it is absolutely possible to experience desire for masturbation and aversion to sex, concurrently.

3. you seem to have some control/ownership issues in your feelings about your partner's sexual habits and desires. you are suggesting that she should be saving her sexual energies up just for you because you have particular needs that are not being satisfied. this is problematic.

4. if your partner has difficulty communicating her sexual desires to you or to anyone else, perhaps the two of you need some assistance there - sex therapists are great for this. perhaps she has not been encouraged to communicate about sex in her lifetime - most people aren't. and perhaps there is something you can do to create a safer space for that - accusatory 'have you been wankin it?' messages probably do not create a safe space.

5. if you have needs which your partner cannot or is unwilling to acommodate, there are lots of ways to remedy this: self-pleasure & play, visiting a sex worker (if that is financially accessible to you), finding a new sexual or romantic partner (hopefully in a way that is honest with your current partner), etc. if you feel like you're experiencing distance or that your partner can't meet your needs, you need to determine whether or not that's workable for you, and to take according action.

stevejholmes · 03-11-06 09:38:08

Thanks Gala, I think you,ve hit the nail on the head with point 3. We did have a very frank discussion last night and she was quite happy to tell me that she masturbates approx once a week. It is never premeditated and it only takes her about 1-2 minutes (can that be right?)

She says that her orgasm through her own masturbation is fairly superficial compared with when I do it (it takes about 10-15 mins)

She also opened up to tell me a few likes and dislikes so the talk was well worth it. Thanks everyone

#1 02-11-06 16:48:36

Sex Drive & Masturbation

#2 02-11-06 17:52:32

Re: Sex Drive & Masturbation

#3 02-11-06 17:58:28

Re: Sex Drive & Masturbation

#4 02-11-06 18:19:59

Re: Sex Drive & Masturbation

#5 02-11-06 18:40:20

Re: Sex Drive & Masturbation

#6 02-11-06 19:06:28

Re: Sex Drive & Masturbation

#7 03-11-06 00:13:42

Re: Sex Drive & Masturbation

#8 03-11-06 09:38:08

Re: Sex Drive & Masturbation

Board footer