The Official IFM write-off (MkII).

The_West_Wind · 28-10-06 11:40:33

This may deflate your expectations of my work, but as I said with this particular piece, it was a rush job that just kept on going. It was ment to be just a few pages and then it just grew and grew.

The story is an combination of Grimm's tale "Han's My Hedgehog", Terry Gilliam's "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen", and Wu Cheng En's "Journey To The West". I then gave it my own twist to make it as original as possible.

Patrick has to wear the iron shoes because he knows that a normal pair of boots will not last the distance, and while he wears the boots no horse will carry him, so he must walk. He finds Crystal and frees her from a death sentence. He later finds Velos at an oasis in the desertlands

Crystal's sight and hearing are so sensitive that she can see straight through her own eyelids even when they are closed which is why she wears the blindfold. Earlier in the story she says that if she focuses she can see straight through the blindfold and into anyones soul.

Velos is an amalgamation of Berthold (the runner) and Albrecht (the strongman) from Baron Munchausen. The debris that he leaves is purely from the turn of speed that he generates. He wears the weights to slow himself down because as he says later in the story, that he completed the Sultan's challenge at half of his natural speed. He once had a similar bet a member of his hoard, and ran at his fastest speed, but couldnt stop. He said that he lost count of the number of times he ran around the world before passing out from exhaustion.

Being locked in the weights was something purely Velo's idea to allow him some measure of control.
Crystal, though still very young has gained a measure of control over her abilities, but not to a stage where she can take the blindfold off.

I forgot to add that bit about the mask. Velos did get it, but I guess since the Sultan was pushed off the balcony by the force of his speed catching up with the giant, there would have been no point adding it.
I was planing on getting Velos to throw the mask onto the slumped body of the Sultan and have it land over his face in some sort of symbolic irony.

dyslexius · 28-10-06 23:53:51

The author within wrote:

i'Tis the fate of one...

Nowaysis, your poem caught me with m' pants down, because I was gonna call you fickle. Then in stanza three I'm told not to call you fickle! Okay, backup, restart engines...

I usually enjoy a piece that does not readily reveal itself and, like yours, which ends in a delicious ambiguity. We have a purpose, you say ("wrought" in its most elevated sense?), -- but it's in our nature to be restless. I think you intend for us to ponder whether that is a plus.

The only thing that made me a little uncomfortable was that you have striven for a metered structure but couldn't decide among two or three, so you mixed them all : - )

--dyslexius

Burlesque · 29-10-06 00:08:19

I had the impression of meter too, but couldn't really decide which one it was, until The Author himself sagely stated that he doesn't like to fiddle around with syllables, and I realised I should perhaps not post about matters I do not understand. Still I do; this post is in fact a perfect example of that.

Burlesque.

dyslexius · 29-10-06 00:28:11

Burlesque wrote:

...and I realised I should perhaps not post about matters I do not understand. Still I do...

That makes two of us!! I have this notion that by taking a crack at a review, I'll learn something, either through the act of expressing my analysis in writing, or through a rejoinder by the creator or another reader, such as yourself. I'd rather not make only a lauditory platitude -- we're all amateurs here (I think) and have room to grow and learn.

. . . (...now where in hell did I put that application for the Guggenheim Fellowship...)

--dyslexius

Last edited by dyslexius (29-10-06 02:10:07)

Nowaysis · 29-10-06 00:32:21

Burlesque: I think you should definately post about things you do not understand. Worst case scenario, you make a fool of youself, and it's way too late to do anything about that now anyway. But if you're lucky, you might learn something. And besides, you were completely right about that fact that the rhythm is flawed. I may have studied literature, but metrics was never my favourite topic of discussion, so to speak.

The thing is, I have a nasty habit of considering a poem (or other piece of writing) finished when the last letter of the last sentence has been written, and once that happens, I seldom return to change anything. Partly because I'm just lazy like that; but partly also because of a belief I have in the initial, original creation being the true (or as close to true as possible) manifestation of what I felt or thought, and even going back to fix a lousy rhythm or rhyme scheme threatens to destroy that creation by altering it, and thus removing it yet further from the thing I want to express. Further, that is, than the translation from thought and feeling to words has already done.

But mostly I'm just lazy.

Dyslexius wrote:

[...] but it's in our nature to be restless. I think you intend for us to ponder whether that is a plus.

What I find most fascinating about this whole public display of my work, is how other people manage to make analyses and draw conclusions about the poems that I never would have thought of. A while ago, I wrote a rather abstract poem in Swedish about my writer's block, and when I showed it to a friend, he concluded it to be about something completely different. I can't quite remember what but I think it had something to do with fertility (which was probably brought on by the imagery I used). That time, I was completely blown away by the fact that my stinky little poems could actually be analysed. I had theretofore been convinced that it was always plain as day what they were about. Just goes to show how much a fresh persective, and particularly a different perspective than that of the writer, can change your view of a work.

Now if I weren't so tired, I'd have a crack at Elfmans stuff. I used to like that S&S stuff.

Last edited by Nowaysis (29-10-06 00:36:05)

Burlesque · 29-10-06 00:45:07

Ooh, I'll go on posting about things I don't understand. If I had posted only about things I understand, you would never have heard of me.

Burlesque.

Dynamo · 29-10-06 00:54:46

I just thought I'd bore you all with the lyrics of one of me own songs. Enjoy.

"I Don’t Wanna Be Alone Anymore"

I feel it happening to me. Something that’s oh so strange now.
I don’t know what it is. Can’t see things clearly.
I feel so insecure now. Let down like a lost soul now.
I don’t know what to do. I need some help now.

Maybe I’ve changed. That is all that I can think.
Life’s rearranged and I’m standing on the brink.
There’s just one thing that I’ve narrowed down to link.
I’ve thought long and hard and now I’m so sure.

Chorus
I don’t wanna be alone anymore.
Left to my own devices.
I'll come when you snap your fingers.
I’ll be there when you call.
Cos I don’t wanna be alone anymore.
With my hidden desires.
One word and I’ll be there waiting.
I’ll be there at your door.
I don’t wanna be alone.
I don’t wanna be aloh-oh-oh-oh-one. Aloh-oh-oh-oh-oh-one.

Ice chills are getting to me. Cold winds will blow right through me.
The message in my mind is so compelling.
Out there the storm cloud rises. In here it almost blinds me.
My life is in a mess. There’s no way out now.

I cry out loud but there’s no one there to hear.
My sounds are drowned by the madness in the air.
I see your face. It’s a vision in my mind.
I thought I’d left behind long ago.

Repeat Chorus
I don’t wanna be alone anymore.
Left to my own devices.
I'll come when you snap your fingers.
I’ll be there when you call.
Cos I don’t wanna be alone anymore.
With my hidden desires.
One word and I’ll be there waiting.
I’ll be there at your door.
I don’t wanna be alone.
I don’t wanna be aloh-oh-oh-oh-one. Aloh-oh-oh-oh-oh-one.

I’ll pull myself together. I’ll walk the straight and narrow.
As long as your around, I think we’ll make it.
Just take this proposition. Think long and hard about it.
I wait with baited breath on your decision.

I know I’ve failed with the way I’ve lived my life.
But I was young then. I lived right on the knife.
I count the hours now. There’s emptiness ahead.
Unless you come around I’ve no hope.

Repeat Chorus twice
I don’t wanna be alone anymore.
Left to my own devices.
I'll come when you snap your fingers.
I’ll be there when you call.
Cos I don’t wanna be alone anymore.
With my hidden desires.
One word and I’ll be there waiting.
I’ll be there at your door.
I don’t wanna be alone.
I don’t wanna be aloh-oh-oh-oh-one. Aloh-oh-oh-oh-oh-one.

Cheers. Dynamo.

Last edited by Dynamo (29-10-06 00:57:56)

dyslexius · 29-10-06 01:02:41

The snow stopped during the night and the wind dropped...

Elf, my first thought was how enchanting are the names of places and characters, and I agree with Burlesque -- the great felines are gloriously described. In your next draft I wonder if you could make parts of it more poetic -- in a few cases the language had a dryness that seemed out of place within what is quite a beautiful piece. I think some sentences could be shortened and combined with others. I like it a lot and wish I had this kind of imagination (and stamina, to write in longer forms).

--dyslexius

dyslexius · 29-10-06 01:10:33

Dynamo wrote:

Chorus
I don’t wanna be alone anymore...

Cool, the return of grammar to the world of pop! Wouldn't your average, run-of-the-mill songwriter have done:

I don’t wanna be alone no mo'...

?

--dyslexius.

dyslexius · 29-10-06 02:28:48

Nowaysis wrote:

...What I find most fascinating about this whole public display of my work, is how other people manage to make analyses and draw conclusions about the poems that I never would have thought of. ... Just goes to show how much a fresh persective, and particularly a different perspective than that of the writer, can change your view of a work.

Belles-lettres! ...the difference between art and technical writing.

--dyslexius

The_Elfman · 29-10-06 14:47:07

dyslexius wrote:

The snow stopped during the night and the wind dropped...
Elf, my first thought was how enchanting are the names of places and characters, and I agree with Burlesque -- the great felines are gloriously described. In your next draft I wonder if you could make parts of it more poetic -- in a few cases the language had a dryness that seemed out of place within what is quite a beautiful piece. I think some sentences could be shortened and combined with others. I like it a lot and wish I had this kind of imagination (and stamina, to write in longer forms).

Thanks for that Dyslexius. Good points and I see what you mean about the dryness. Yes this is only a first draft and requires a lot of editing.

Dynamo · 29-10-06 19:35:34

dyslexius wrote:

Dynamo wrote:
Chorus
I don’t wanna be alone anymore...
Cool, the return of grammar to the world of pop! Wouldn't your average, run-of-the-mill songwriter have done:
I don’t wanna be alone no mo'...
?
--dyslexius.

Perhaps I'm not just a run of the mill songwriter though. ;-)

It wouldn't fit in with the tune if I'd written that anyway. The tune always comes first for me, then I'll fit in the words to fit that and the story line. Sometimes they fit really easily and sometimes I sort them over a period of time. I'd never say I agonise over them though because I figure you always end up going round in circles without getting to the bottom of what you really want. Songs usually sound better if the lyrics are done when your in a relaxed mood.

As for the grammer, or lack of it, in the song, there's plenty of what would be called bad grammer in books, but thats usually when someone its saying what someone is speaking in their own dialect. I always laugh when people try to apply rigid rules to grammer seeing as a language has to continue to evolve or else it will die. I've had some very interesting discussions in chat rooms with people, especially Americans, over the use of slang that they don't understand because they've never heard it. My argument is that I am English, and the language is English, so therefore I have more right than most people to bastardise it how I see fit.

Cheers. Dynamo.

Burlesque · 29-10-06 20:21:50

Being a bloody foreigner, I have no right to comment upon the English language, but I do have a more generalised thought to convey: slang and linguistic innovation are fine, as long as there is some sort of common middle ground making it possible for people from different walks of life to communicate with each other. I find that this is increasingly not so. I pride myself on being able to dumb down or smart up when talking to different people, but that really doesn't help anymore, as so many people don't even bother learning the current version of their own language before starting to contort it to their own whims. Rules are meant to be broken, but as they say, you need to know the rules first. My simple, personal solution is that I refuse to speak to people who lack a basic command of the language they grew up with. If they haven't learned the simplest communication skills, it's not my bloody job to adapt to their absence of cognitive capacity, as it were. Yes, go ahead and say it, don't be shy: Burlesque is an elitist, fascist pig. I wouldn't want to be any other way.

Burlesque.

Dynamo · 29-10-06 20:57:53

I admit to using slang a lot, but the basic principal of language is to convey a message. If a person uses slang that the person they are talking to doesn't understand, then its their own problem if what they say isn't understood. If I use slang on the internet, I'm always ready to explain what I'm onabout.

We often say in these parts, "people talk proper here".

Cheers. Dynamo.

Last edited by Dynamo (29-10-06 20:58:10)

The_Elfman · 29-10-06 21:05:54

Burlesque wrote:

Being a bloody foreigner, I have no right to comment upon the English language, but I do have a more generalised thought to convey: slang and linguistic innovation are fine, as long as there is some sort of common middle ground making it possible for people from different walks of life to communicate with each other. I find that this is increasingly not so. I pride myself on being able to dumb down or smart up when talking to different people, but that really doesn't help anymore, as so many people don't even bother learning the current version of their own language before starting to contort it to their own whims. Rules are meant to be broken, but as they say, you need to know the rules first. My simple, personal solution is that I refuse to speak to people who lack a basic command of the language they grew up with. If they haven't learned the simplest communication skills, it's not my bloody job to adapt to their absence of cognitive capacity, as it were. Yes, go ahead and say it, don't be shy: Burlesque is an elitist, fascist pig. I wouldn't want to be any other way.
Burlesque.

Not word fascism. Not elitism. You’re just someone who loves language and likes to hear it used correctly and creatively Burlesque. From previous discussions on this subject I know that you are a lover of regional dialects and you and I were both fascinated for instance by Joli’s marvellously creative use of English. For any new comers Joli was French and his English was not great (although much better than my French I hasten to add) and his use of the language was gloriously original.

As far as good grammar is concerned there is a world of difference between speaking and writing. When writing you have the time to consider and even edit what you are saying. A luxury you don’t have whilst speaking.

Burlesque · 29-10-06 21:07:00

We seem to see eye to eye on this, Dynamo, even though you're polite and British about it, while I'm more barkingly genocidal.

Burlesque.

The_Elfman · 29-10-06 21:17:49

Burlesque's sig "Max Fan Club" Head of Security and In-house Sycophant. (Who would these fardels bear, to grunt and sweat beneath a weary life?)

By the way mate I think you'll find the quotation should read "Who would these fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life".

Burlesque · 29-10-06 21:40:43

I knew you'd comment on this one! I couldn't be bothered to look it up, could I? I'll make the correction, master.

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (29-10-06 21:41:00)

The_Elfman · 29-10-06 21:50:39

Oo oo oo since we are all making fools of ourselves in print who wants to hear me do it? I recorded this reading of the "to be or not be" soliloquy for Burlesque a few weeks ago when I discovered some recording software on my PC. I had a stinking cold at the time and this was straight off the page without any preperation but it is fairly close to the way I would do it. To download it to your computer click on the URL below and then scroll down to the bottom of the page and click the "Free" tab in the bottom right hand corner. On the next page scoll down to the bottom of the page and right cilick and save the top of the two links, the one after "Download To_be_or_not_to_be.rar from Cogent-network:"

http://rapidshare.de/files/37525271/To_ … _to_be.rar

Elfman.

The_Elfman · 29-10-06 21:51:25

Burlesque wrote:

I knew you'd comment on this one! I couldn't be bothered to look it up, could I? I'll make the correction, master.

And I'm not speaking to you.

Burlesque · 29-10-06 21:54:15

And it's still an overrated play! (Even though you perform the soliloquy beautifully *worming his way back into the Elf's affections*.)

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (29-10-06 21:56:28)

The_Elfman · 29-10-06 21:59:34

Burlesque wrote:

And it's still an overrated play! (Even though you perform the soliloquy beautifully *worming his way back into the Elf's affections*.)
Burlesque.

You were so banned then until I read the last sentence. Now I'm only considering it.

Burlesque · 29-10-06 22:14:52

And your "Gungha Din" is exquisitely beautiful too, so powerful and sensitive at the same time! You could quite possibly be the greatest actor of our time! Who needs Ian McKellen?

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (31-10-06 01:15:31)

The_Elfman · 29-10-06 22:15:41

Burlesque wrote:

And your "Gunga Din" is exquisitely beautiful too, so powerful and sensitive at the same time! You could quite possibly be the greatest actor of our time! Who needs Ian McKellen?
Burlesque.

All right you can stay. But we digress. Talk about writing. In fact I should have posted my "to be or not to be" URL on the "Creation" thread really. Sorry.

Burlesque · 29-10-06 22:20:30

Phew! That was close! For a while there I didn't think the pointy-eared bastard would fall for it ... Oh HELLO Elf, are you still here!?

Burlesque.

#26 28-10-06 11:40:33

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