#1 16-03-12 02:00:53

mapplehorses

Member

Registered: 27-10-11

Posts: 11

Life defining moments made by a cursor click on a computer screen

Firstly sorry for obliquely bringing my personal mess into the forum, though here's a nice tune for those of you reading this that will, hopefully, entertain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0Eie59b … ata_player

So I dropped out of this masters course for a bunch of reasons just before I got the bill for the first and following semesters, had all the should I stay or should I go thoughts running through my head, plucked up the courage and withdrew online at the click of a button. I felt nervously exhilarated, and as this was around the time a new ifm post appears I started thinking well what do the artists of ifm feel when they post a piece? What runs through their mind as they see the timer run down to their work appearing on ifm? And the current video made for a pleasant distraction from the question as to what I am to do now.

Ps. Now that I won't be studying none of you wouldn't know of any available jobs? I'm no too picky at this point = P.

Last edited by mapplehorses (16-03-12 02:02:04)

viva

pretty pretty princess

Registered: 14-05-10

Posts: 4,113

Website

Re: Life defining moments made by a cursor click on a computer screen

The "general discussion" board is specifically for things like this, so no worries.

I'm glad you posted and I think it's awesome that you made a decision and stuck to it. Remember you can always always go back to school. But, this is coming from someone who's skipped ahead or dropped out of everything she's started, so certainly not a very balanced perspective. Still, it's worked for me.

Since it's my video that made for your pleasant distraction, I'm happy to discuss the feeling of having a vid go up on IFM. It's nice because I've already done all the work ages ago - it's not a countdown to me having to perform. When I have to perform live I get super shaky, my heart races - this is completely different. This is chill.

There's the normal anxiety of presenting yourself as you are - a tumultuous series of sensations regarding my hopes about people liking it, seeing me for what I am, reducing me to an image of myself, or not even watching at all, will they think I'm pretty, will they think I'm smart, deep, special, ugly, whatever. I try to be zen about it - to not think too hard, but not ignore those feelings intentionally either. Mostly, it's nice, and exciting. I feel pride.

But my video today is not a regular shoot. This diary situation is different because I am terrified to be this honest. It's really frightening to put this much of myself out there. As much as my philosophy admires honesty and flexibility and I strive towards those things, I find that I tend to be a controlling person who doesn't like to show weakness. And weakness is a big part of who I am. I want very much to let go of that, to embrace my weakness as beauty - the way that I find vulnerability and weakness in other people absolutely beautiful. I want to care less about what people think of me, and this diary experiment is a big part of that process. As it is released my efforts come to fruition. Whether I like it or not, these truths and realities are revealed now and I find a peacefulness in that in addition to all the exhilaration and fear.

I find chit chat and posing boring, I find honest insecurity and raw emotion beautiful - in other people. I rarely find the ability in myself to show people how I really feel - I rationalize it by thinking that I don't want to burden others, but that's wrong. Are other people children, who can't handle it if I don't smile at them every time they look at me? I - and many other people like myself - hide behind a martyr's rationale, pretending that we hide ourselves to protect others, it's bullshit. It's just garden variety insecurity, no big deal, and nothing to suffer over.

But that's a much bigger topic, isn't it?

mapplehorses

Member

Registered: 27-10-11

Posts: 11

Re: Life defining moments made by a cursor click on a computer screen

I find your last paragraph interesting especially after your recent thread "pick me up, artists". It's intriguing that both yourself and these pick up artists don't want to reveal yourselves, admittedly for very different reasons, but perhaps you could push there and find some intimate similarities, or hidden reasoning to your own actions? Or not, what the hell would I know?

The whole pick up artist idea i find perplexing. Let's face it, honesty is the best aphrodisiac.

Last edited by mapplehorses (16-03-12 07:23:11)

jane_e

Member

Registered: 30-06-11

Posts: 121

Website

Re: Life defining moments made by a cursor click on a computer screen

So I dropped out of this masters course for a bunch of reasons just before I got the bill for the first and following semesters, had all the should I stay or should I go thoughts running through my head, plucked up the courage and withdrew online at the click of a button.

Hey. It really is amazing the number of life choices that we can make with the click of  a button or just by saying a few words. Like "I quit" or "I will". Sometimes if I stop to think about how my life would be if in those moments I made different choices--if I didn't click that button--I forget how to breath as the world I have slips almost instantly away.

When I officially quit my job to go back to school to start my masters. I stared at my computer screen for the remainder of the day and signed up for 5 sessions with a life coach (only 3 of which I ever completed - I apparently cannot be coached). I feel like your random post on this forum is perfectly reasonable. Life is a crazy thing.

Jobs, as for those. I'm sure there is one lying around somewhere. Though I suspect I am too far geographically removed to be of any help to you.

As for the real topic of your question. I am hear because of one of those random click of a button moments. "How does one apply to be on IFM?". Submit.

Shooting for IFM was incredibly easy for me. It wasn't something I just wanted to do it was something I needed to do. I did it entirely for me and I was insanely excited when my first video came out. The intro music and the realization that the women on the screen is me still gives me shivers.

Totally different story for BA and the video diary I tried to do. I hate talking. I could barely watch my confession and before it went up I went over and over all the things I could have said and shouldn't have said. I can't even hear myself when I talk. Its like the path is one way and my brain doesn't really get involved in the process of speaking. For the video diary I felt like I was doing it for someone else, and I couldn't figure out who that someone was. I couldn't talk to no one or everyone so the whole thing failed. The masturbation part was ok. The rest was darn near impossible. I ended up using flash cards...its "cute" but not really how I wanted it to be. None of the diary felt particularly honest. I wanted to talk about birth control and fish and dancing and kissing in stairwells and wedding rings. But I did none of this. Mostly, because as I am just realizing now, I had my ex-boyfriend in my head telling me what people would and would not want to see. I wanted to stare at the camera but I looked away. I thought too much. I'm not insecure (of the garden variety or otherwise but honesty still isn't easy. This video may never come out, at least not in official diary form, but I am nervous/excited about it all the same. Bobby et al. do amazing things with the garbled beautiful pieces of ourselves that we give to to this lovely little place.

If you want to know more about what people think as the countdown to their video begins check out DomC/Ceto's post video post on the forum.

Last edited by jane_e (16-03-12 14:08:01)