Sex Question

stovbin · 28-03-10 10:25:12

So, I have a question.

I've got a friend, not really my girlfriend, but a friend with benefits, you might call? We mess around now and again, mostly I finger her, and I've gone down on her once. Now, I'm a virgin, so in general, I don't really know what the heck I'm doing (and I'm actually grateful that she is honest enough to tell me that she's not getting anything out of it). The question I've got is this:

She tells me that pretty much the only way she can get off is by means of penetration (which I am not ready to deliver at this time), and, to a very small extent, if she does herself off. A friend has told me that when a woman has had a lot of sex in her life, parts of her become less sensitive and all she really responds to is penetration. I don't believe this to be true, since Gala, in particular, can get off with what seems like little effort (and she's probably got at least a reasonable amount of experience, I would guess). So the question, at last: is penetration more arousing than other forms of sexual interaction?

I also realize that a big part of getting off is psychological (which is why a blank wall is not good spank fodder), so my next question is, is these anything I can do to put her in the right mood, or make her more at ease? She is pretty comfortable most of the time, it seems, but still tenses up when it comes to that (which is unusual, given that she initiates a good 80% of all the action).

I guess I'll leave it at this for the time being, and if there's further discussion, I can elaborate on specific points. Thanks

jefferys1962 · 28-03-10 19:04:59

Hey Stovbin,

There are definitely going to be two sides to this discussion, the male and the female point of view. I can offer some advice from the male side.

Firstly communication is critically important. From your post it seems you have a start there already, she is communicating honestly with you about how things turned out. But it seems, from your statement that the communication is after the fact. What we need here is communication during the deed. Very simply put, "How does this feel?" If there is strong resistance to communication during the deed, we may have some Psychological scarring. Molestation, rape, or something else that put a block up and makes her run and visit Mars as soon as you begin. Communication during the deed will bring her mind back to the here and now and make her focus on what your doing. Two benefits here, healing will begin as she is making new associations with the deed as she trusts and has some feelings for you. And you'll get some better direction for finding that technique that will work for her.

On the penetration question: My first wife, whom I was married to for 20 years, had quite a few inter uterine infections when she was younger, complicated by a less than competent abortion when she was 18. Resulting in little to no feeling during penetration. This led to two things for me, 1 I learned how to give oral pleasure, since that was the only pleasure she could have. And 2, anal sex, which she loved. But since that is not part of this discussion we'll shelve that for now. But to your question: "Is penetration more arousing?" My opinion is no, for my X a resounding no. I have been with quite a few women in my life, and not a one of them would forgo foreplay, either with hands or mouth before intercourse. Most could not achieve orgasm through intercourse.

OK to the final part. Your question is about mood and arousal specifically, and I don't want to ignore that entirely, however I think it's a moot point. As you stated, it doesn't make sense since she is initiating "80%" of the time. Seems to me, as I am sure you feel, she is already in the right mood/mental state when you start. So my advice here is focused on mechanics. A cold hard word for a soft gentle exercise in pleasure, but appropriate none the less. So here are a couple of idea's to help you out.

I am assuming at this point that there is no actual medical condition that has desensitized her clit. If so, nothing short of a trip to the doc is going to help. My best guess at this point is that her clit is small, and deeply buried under her clitoral hood. The area of skin, right above the vagina is extraordinarily pliable. Position yourself between her legs, she on the bed laying back, her legs over the side of the bed. If this is uncomfortable for her, try having her legs over your shoulders. Place your thumbs on either side of her clitoral hood and push directly upwards, stretching the vagina up and open. Go slowly and keep talking, tell her how beautiful her pussy looks, how does that feel, etc. As you move the skin up you will see her clitoral hood come out and say hello. Reposition your hands or use your tongue and very gently . . . VERY gently stroke, in an upward motion, the now exposed clit/hood. As you begin, keep your communication up. How does this feel? Based on her responses you can increase the pressure, speed, etc. My wife likes a technique where I use my teeth and tongue in conjunction. I will gently place my upper teen on the side of her clit and using my tongue I stroke in an upward motion, pressing her clit against my teeth. I think it's the hard/soft sensation simultaneously that really appeals to her. When asked her response is "I don't know, but it sure feels good!" With that technique I can get her off in about 3 minutes. I like to tease though, and will let her build, then slow down and let her fall back down, then build again. Her orgasms are much more intense that way. If your using your fingers make sure she is well lubed, either naturally or with a lubricating product. A dry finger is going to get you no where fast. One of my favorite finger techniques, the one I use most often when we are watching films from IFM together, is to hold her pussy open using the above mentioned technique and bring my finger in a slow upward flicking movement. Keeping it very gentle and slow for her. Many women prefer speed, mine likes it slow. This is where that communication I've mentioned several times is critically important.

You can also try some props, toys (vibrators), etc. My wife has used Noxzema with some shattering results. The feeling of that cool menthol on her clit sends her into convulsions very quickly. A hand towel whetted down with hot water (not too hot) and placed over the entire vagina, then just rest your hands there with light pressure, letting the heat penetrate into the vagina is a nice way to start. Some women like the contrast of cold/hot. An ice cube may do the trick.

I'm sure you will get many other ideas, this is just a start for you. But remember, *begin broken record scratching sound* Communication is really the key. It may seem clinical and not very sexy at first, but in the end it will yield results that are worth it. My brother has a saying, "If the juice is worth the squeeze . . . "

Good luck,
Jeffery

p.s.

I have a copy of a movie, "Nina Hartley's Guide to Better Cunnilingus" which I'd be happy to share with you if you like. It's a fantastic in depth look at the mechanics of pleasuring the pussy in every way. Just send me an email and I'll work out with you how to get you a copy.

Last edited by jefferys1962 (28-03-10 19:11:59)

stovbin · 28-03-10 20:07:28

Thanks for the input! I will look up the movie, I can prolly find a copy without too much difficulty. On some of the points, to clarify:

She says she's tried anal with her ex, and she didn't really like it. I'm not inclined to go that way myself (though things might change in the future, one never can tell), but that's a no for now. She's not really a fan of oral either, so a bunch of the time, I'm in there with my fingers. I will try some of the techniques you listed. She is pretty small (about 5'3", 110 lbs), so I assume that her vagina is too, relative to other women's (though hers is the only one I've ever seen, so I dunno :-P).

As far as communication goes, I actually do talk to her during the act, asking her if I'm doing it right, and she usually says she's not sure (ie, I guess she needs more time to feel the effects), or she repositions my finger and says "try there". On occasion, I do hit the right spot. She also does this thing where she goes into jitters, but not because I am turning her on, but because I'm hitting a nerve. Again, she says that it's not really doing anything for her, so maybe it's just a nerve cluster or some such.

The sexy chatter, which is a pretty big thing, is something I'm kinda working on. I'm still pretty new to this, so I've got a difficult time multitasking. She's got a great deal more experience than I do, but the last two years of that were with a controlling jerk she just got rid of. Some background on that.

The guy is 26, about 3 years or so older than she is (she is exactly a month my junior, btw), and he met her online about 2-3 years ago. They dated up until about 3-4 months ago, and he basically kept her on a leash, emotionally, which pisses me off. I've been talking to her for about 16 months now, and we've been friends, but it's not until she broke up with him that she really started talking to me. She really liked me a year ago when we met, but because of him, I never got to see her. She'd refer to him interchangeably as her BF and her ex. After the first month, he yanked the leash and forced her to tell me she doesn't want to talk to me again. I knew it wasn't her talking but still, I kept an open mind. I didn't really go out of my way to talk to her anymore, but when she came back some months later, we started talking, even hung out twice, and then kinda went on a slump again, until she broke up with him and she started talking to me. We started hanging out at my place, watching movies and stuff, but it went from zero to foreplay in one evening. We've been seeing each other about once a week since. She comes over and stays the night, then has breakfast with me, we chill for a bit and she goes to work. Until about 3 weeks ago, her ex would still plague her on the phone, call her every 30 min when she was at my place, and tell her to be careful of me, about how I'm only in it to have sex/rape her or some crap like that, and how he'd never had a girl over unless he wanted to sleep with her. He'd also hold her in the conversation long past the point where she cared to be on the phone (again, this guy's a controlling douche), and only recently did he finally realize that she wasn't his plaything anymore, thank god. Anyway, so that might account one way or another for some emotional distress (either being his puppet for two years did something to her, or, more likely, something happened to her even earlier that made her so pliable for him). Nowadays, I'd like to think that she's doing some healing with me (hopefully), because we just hang out, go to the movies/food, and then just chill at my place. I try to treat her as well as I can, and she seems to genuinely enjoy being here, so that's a plus. I hope this kind of puts into context what our relationship has been like for the last year and some change.

One more thing, I actually really wish we had more "friend stuff" to do, so I'm going to get a group together, and introduce her to some of my friends, see if we can do something (maybe a movie, food, or board games). As it stands, all she wants to do is either cuddle in bed (which is cool, but more conversation would be nice) or have sex with me (which, again, I don't feel ready for, given the absence of any other friend stuff).

To my knowledge, there is no medical condition that affects her sex organs, or at least, none she's mentioned (she is generally pretty honest with me, and we're open about a lot, ie, she knows exactly what turns me on, she knows I come to this site and others, I know the kind of stuff she does). We're actually going to go to an adult store next time and buy a toy for me to use on her, cause I'd like her to have a good time, I'm just not ready to have sex with her myself yet. Hopefully that does something. Beyond that, maybe it'll just take time, warming up to me more? She's pretty warm to me, but maybe this one subject is still odd for her, I dunno.

Thanks again for the reply, and I really appreciate the information. Hope to hear from more of y'all

stovbin · 28-03-10 20:16:49

Poop, totally forgot to ask. Do vibrators come with some kind of box or case you store them in between uses? :-p

aven frey · 29-03-10 04:09:07

Jefferys has given you some pretty sound advice. I think the toys thing might be the go, she can get the penetration she needs and you can keep your personal boundaries in tact. One that might be worth considering is the njoy purewand as it's really very lovely and comes in a box! Hyperballad has actually reviewed it here
http://yeahbutnobutyeahbut.wordpress.com/
I have one and I love it, it's so much nicer then an ordinary dildo and I find every vibrator I've ever had has died on me very quickly and was usually disappointing anyway.

High end vibrators sometimes come in a box, this is a nice website for nice toys
http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/

You'd notice that on IFM the majority of women stimulate their clitoris while masturbating, some don't though and some like both so everyone is different. I personally usually wont orgasm unless there is some sort of clit stimulation but not always so it can also sometimes depend on the situation. So many variables!

To counter the tensing up you could try, if you haven't already, keeping things really playful and easy going. Laughter relaxes people. She may be feeling anxious about her inability to have an orgasm and this is the worst thing for it.

ngaio · 29-03-10 07:40:37

Hey Stove, I highly recommend you do some reading over at http://www.scarleteen.com/ ... it's a wonderful source of sex ed and advice for and from young adults - perfect for people at the start of their sexual journey and even very valuable for those who are more experienced! I highly recommend it, as do many official organisations!

Last edited by ngaio (29-03-10 07:41:57)

#1 28-03-10 10:25:12

Sex Question

#2 28-03-10 19:04:59

Re: Sex Question

#3 28-03-10 20:07:28

Re: Sex Question

#4 28-03-10 20:16:49

Re: Sex Question

#5 29-03-10 04:09:07

Re: Sex Question

#6 29-03-10 07:40:37

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