Loss of libido....

Will · 02-09-06 16:11:06

This is a point which was touched on by myself in another thread, and I thought it might be an interesting topic to discuss here. For a place which celebrates human sexuality there might be some interesting ideas about what happens when you loss your sexual nature and why.

Now I'm happy to admit that at this moment in time I am suffering from a complete loss of libido. It seems to have crawled away and died somewhere. It seems not even the lovely ladies of IFM are having much of an impact at the moment, more's the pity.

Now my situation is a by-product of other circumstances. I have other things on my mind and other issues I have to deal with right now, and the result of these things getting to me is to strip my self confidence away. Now I don't believe this is a particularly uncommon thing to happen. Lot's of people go through certain down periods in their life for numerous reasons, and I imagine that a loss of libido for that reason would be common. Feeling sexual for me comes a lot from feeling happy and confident in myself and my circumstances. It's hard to feel like a sexual being when (without wishing to appear too melodramatic) you aren't feeling such a happy and bouncy human being.

However, what other experiences have people got to share about losing their libido, or failing to feel like a sexual being. For what possibly different reasons did it hit you, how long did it last, and how if at all you were able to get your mojo back?

Last edited by Will (02-09-06 16:11:20)

Siobhan · 02-09-06 16:31:55

When I was 26,

The_Elfman · 02-09-06 16:37:14

I have been solo for large chunks of my adult life. When I am I find that my libido, never strong at the best of times, diminishes. I beleive that can happen with a lot of men in situations of enforced periods of celibacy. (Sailors, prisoners etc). As some of you are aware I have recently subscribed to a dating agency after a lot of years on my own and although I've had no luck there yet the mere fact that I am "on the pull" again so to speak after all these years has increased my libido considerably. Very odd.

Elfman.

Warmtouch · 02-09-06 18:17:19

I've never had it happen in a period of depression. It mostly happens when I'm just really, really busy. Oddly enough, stress -- the pressure of work -- doesn't diminish it, but periods of high productivity do. When I'm working very hard *and* productively, my libido goes down. I think the effort is just consuming my energy and diverting my attention.

I'm much more likely to get horny when I'm bored than when I'm busy.

Depression does depress some people's libido, especially women, I think. Not me, it had the opposite effect. I was so desperate for comfort and validation that I needed sex very badly.

blissed · 02-09-06 19:01:19

The_Elfman wrote:

s some of you are aware I have recently subscribed to a dating agency after a lot of years on my own and although I've had no luck there yet the mere fact that I am "on the pull" again so to speak after all these years has increased my libido considerably. Very odd.
Elfman.

Hey best of luck with that I'd say your libido is getting ready for action

.

stammering · 03-09-06 04:27:46

Warmtouch wrote:

I've never had it happen in a period of depression. It mostly happens when I'm just really, really busy. Oddly enough, stress -- the pressure of work -- doesn't diminish it, but periods of high productivity do. When I'm working very hard *and* productively, my libido goes down. I think the effort is just consuming my energy and diverting my attention.
I'm much more likely to get horny when I'm bored than when I'm busy.
Depression does depress some people's libido, especially women, I think. Not me, it had the opposite effect. I was so desperate for comfort and validation that I needed sex very badly.

I concur with the "member" from Southern England.

The_West_Wind · 03-09-06 08:29:27

I'm 26, have always been single, and I find that my libido drops as a result of cold and flu medcine around winter. For some reason it has that effect on me.
I narrowed it down to the effects of the psudoephedrine hydrochloride. How I found the connection, I cant remember.

But then again, my lack of libido could simply be through lack of use. Supply and demand, so to say.

The_Elfman · 03-09-06 10:25:09

The_Elfman wrote:

As some of you are aware I have recently subscribed to a dating agency after a lot of years on my own and although I've had no luck there yet the mere fact that I am "on the pull" again so to speak after all these years has increased my libido considerably. Very odd.

Last night I experienced the down side of this. I was at a party and at one point in the evening I was dancing with a very pretty 14 year old. Admitedly she was wearing a very short mini dress with a plunging neckline and dancing very provocativley ("Hey look at me I'm a woman now") and clearly enjoying being appreciated as one by me but I should be locked up for some of the things that were going through my head At one point however I did get to flirt outrageously with a rather nice single 50 year old who was up from the South for the party. I even offered her a night of meaningless passion if she was interested. God what am I turning into? .

Elfman

Last edited by The_Elfman (03-09-06 11:53:21)

Will · 03-09-06 18:08:46

Siobhan wrote:

When I was 26,

And do you mind if I ask what the circumstances were? Was it through outside influences and other things going on in your life that affected you, or was it simply a loss of libido for a period that had no obvious connection to anything else?

However, if it's not something you want to elaberate on then just tell me to mind my own business.

Siobhan · 03-09-06 19:38:52

LOL. so sorry -- the post got posted before i wrote anything. later.

Warmtouch · 03-09-06 23:48:55

Nice to hear you got the opportunity, Elfman. I take it she turned you down? Or are you being coy (or gentlemanly)? If the former, I hope she did so gently.

As for being locked up for thoughts going through your head... never say that. A 14-year-old girl who is dressing and dancing like that is doing it on purpose, and while she may not actually want sex, she unquestionably wants you to have those thoughts. On the other hand there's every possibility that she's been having sex herself for the last three years, not that that would be an excuse for taking her up on the offer. Ever hear Abba's song "Does Your Mother Know That You're Out"? It always makes me smile. A man who actually said those things to a flirting 14-year-old would humiliate her into the ground... and teach her a good life lesson, too.

We MUST be free within our own heads. Controlling our outward behavior is a difficult but necessary part of life, but imposing shackles on our own thoughts -- or condemning ourselves for having them -- is a step on the road to mental illness. Trust me; I went down that road.

Last edited by Warmtouch (03-09-06 23:51:49)

The_Elfman · 04-09-06 07:52:02

No the older woman never took me up on the offer. There was never any chance that she would. I've known her for about 12 years, probably meeting her once a year at weddings, birthday parties and such. Both of us knew that nothing was going to happen so we could indulge in some mutualy ego boosting hot flirting and blame the drink with no harm done. It was good practice though .

About the young girl I have decided that I was providing her with essential "validation" needed for her emotional growth. Yeah lots go with that one eh? .
(I have known her since she was 5 so she could play her game with me without embarrassment and knew she was "safe").

Upon reflection I think that the young girl was doing the same thing with me as I was doing flirting with her aunt. We were both flexing our sexual wings .

Elfman

Last edited by The_Elfman (04-09-06 08:01:18)

The_Elfman · 04-09-06 08:58:55

Liandra wrote:

Whilst I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with Elfman having those thoughts provided he doesn't ever consider acting on it, I don't agree that a grown man humilliating 14 year old girl into the ground is a life lesson she needs. I also don't think the song lyrics imply humiliation of the girl, just appropriate restraint from a far older man who wishes he could.

I agree to treat a young girl in such a cavalier manner would be awful. Such humiliation could seriously damage her confidence and self-esteem. She is after all paying you a compliment (even if she is only saying "I trust you enough to feel safe doing this with you"). What higher compliment can you receive than trust?

Elfman

Last edited by The_Elfman (04-09-06 09:00:04)

aven frey · 04-09-06 09:03:06

hmmm yes, 14 year old girls have enough to worry about without being humiliated for wearing a short skirt.

The_Elfman · 04-09-06 09:28:45

max wrote:

hmmm yes, 14 year old girls have enough to worry about without being humiliated for wearing a short skirt.

Absolutley. This is a very difficult and sensitive age for both sexes. We all have a duty to nurture them and allow them to explore themselves in a safe, supportive environment.

Last edited by The_Elfman (04-09-06 09:29:21)

stammering · 04-09-06 11:15:09

Well I've got to say that a 14 year old girl acting precociously would give me the screaming shits and I would be running at 400 mph to get as far away from her as possible. The research done on this so far is pretty adamant that teens bodies and hormones are now growing faster than their brains (don't ask me the source but I'll look it up if nobody believes me). They are therefore extremely vulnerable. And by the same token gentlemen so are we.

Warmtouch · 04-09-06 12:10:53

Liandra wrote:

Whilst I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with Elfman having those thoughts provided he doesn't ever consider acting on it, I don't agree that a grown man humilliating 14 year old girl into the ground is a life lesson she needs. I also don't think the song lyrics imply humiliation of the girl, just appropriate restraint from a far older man who wishes he could.

I didn't mean to suggest that he should humiliate her on purpose. I was just putting myself in her position. Imagine that you're a young teenager who thinks she's really hot, coming on to this older man, thinks she's making an impression... and then his response is "Does your mother know that you're out? You're only a child." Can you think of anything more crushing to someone that age?

Maybe the song is really meant to represent his thoughts. I was imagining it said aloud.

As for the life lesson -- it isn't about short skirts. It has to do with whether she is inviting him to have sex and really means it or not. I have NO respect for women who pricktease. It's cruel, stupid, dangerous, and wrong. Its point is to humiliate the man when you tell him, "No, I didn't really mean it, I was only pretending to find you attractive." (If a man were to flatter a woman in this way and then turn her down at the last minute, we wouldn't hesitate to condemn him as a jerk. But for some reason prickteasing seems to get more of a pass. I don't like double standards in EITHER direction.) If anybody, male or female, makes sexual overtures to someone else, they need to mean it. If it is to be an absolute requirement that sex must be consensual, with no excuses allowed for anything else -- which I think it should -- then we MUST be able to trust the signals we're being sent. No misrepresentation is permissible, because it throws the whole issue of consent into question.

So if a 14-year-old is making sexual overtures to an adult man without meaning it, she needs to learn that that's not appropriate behavior. And if she DOES mean it -- well, she needs to learn that that's not really appropriate behavior either.

The_Elfman · 04-09-06 13:12:58

Warmtouch wrote:

So if a 14-year-old is making sexual overtures to an adult man without meaning it, she needs to learn that that's not appropriate behavior. And if she DOES mean it -- well, she needs to learn that that's not really appropriate behavior either.

I think that there is a far greater responsibility on the man to appreciate what is "appropriate behaviour" for him here. If the girl is trying to excite him with no intent on following it through that is excusable because of her immaturity and naiveity. If she is serious he also needs to understand his responsibility for the girls welfare and not take advantage of it on the one hand or humiliate her on the other. In either case he is the responsible adult here and cannot excuse his conduct by that of an adolescent.

Of course in the case of me and the young girl I was dancing with Saturday night neither of these situations are relevant. She was mereley enjoying her little self strutting her new found funky stuff in the company of people who cared for her and who she felt secure with and neither I nor anyone else there thought any the less of her for it. Indeed I celebrated it with her and was more than happy to play her innocent game with of course no thought of harming her either physicaly or emotionaly. I would be mortified if I thought that anyone here would think that I would do otherwise.

Elfman

Last edited by The_Elfman (04-09-06 14:52:56)

distantadmirer · 04-09-06 16:06:43

It really is a blurry line. A teasing woman is wonderful. Sometimes I think they're born with a need to flirt. It seems to correlate with physical beauty which is probably learned behavior. As someone once said, "unrequited love is a drag". The same certainly goes for unrequited lust. I have to agree with Liandra on this one.
Even if the girl were giving me a stroke job under the table, and then let go and told me to fuck off, I'd have to take it in stride. Her loss.

Will · 04-09-06 17:39:26

Everytime I start a thread around here, within 10 posts it has gone completely in another direction.....

Siobhan · 04-09-06 18:15:21

LOL Will. I know, I thought that this morning when I read this exchange. I was going to add to it, but the I remember how you felt last time that happened, so I desisted.
Will, hijacking happens. it's NOT that you're not bringing up very good issues! Please continue! Also, since this little hijacking is really about a very important issue (and I've certainly appreciated the participants' thoughtful comments) it doesn't make sense to ask them to stop -- probably someone who wishes to continue it will begin a dedicated thread. Meanwhile, I hereby commit to you --with my hand on my heart -- that I will post about loss of libido before end of this day. OK?

Oh my, now were WAS my libido? I know I saw it here somewhere. . . .{rustling papers, going off in search. . . . }

Will · 04-09-06 18:17:21

I wasn't complaining or asking anyone to stop particulalry. Debates and topics will evolve in their own right after all. Just pointing out something that seems to always happen.

gala · 04-09-06 18:33:36

i am not sure that we can hold a 14-year-old female to the same standards we hold other more mature "prickteases." when you're 14, as elfman said, there's this whole new thing you're carrying around with you, and you generally have no idea what to do with it until you put it into new places and move it and re-form it again and again. i'm still doing that with my sexuality, though i started exploring it at a young age. i don't think we can really judge a girl that age for being provocative or flirtatious and not carrying through with that at the end of the night. unfortunately, most young women don't have others with whom to safely explore their newfound sexuality. at least elfman provided a safe space for her to practice something she's going to be carrying out with her later on.

anyway, i actually wanted to address the thread topic. i'm particularly interested to hear what other women feel about these things...

i go through cycles of libidio deficiency quite often. the causes can vary: i'm busy or feeling a lot of stress, not feeling well physically, or having a period of uncertainty or lack of confidence. generally speaking, there is something that is coming between me and my experience of my body when i have a lessened sex drive. i'm either not as aware of it or i am having bad/no communication with it.

no matter what the cause, and despite my sassy personal politics, a decreased libido ends up making me feel like a failure or lowering my confidence in some way. it can be a pretty vicious cycle. when i'm alone, i can usually deal with this and eventually i come around and get over whatever it was that was separating me from my erotic self. when i have a partner around who needs play, however, this becomes a lot more difficult. i feel like there's someone else who needs my sex drive, and when i can't give it to that person and they go elsewhere to meet sexual needs, i feel worse. that defies my own personal logic and is very hard for me to get a hold on. and then i start to resent that person for making me feel poorly, which doesn't expedite the recovery of my libido, especially with them.

nasty.

right now i am in a period of transition, i'm trying to navigate the logistics of my new life after moving, and how to relate to my partner in our new space under somewhat new circumstances. i have very little confidence in what i'm doing because it's really not constructed yet. sexually, i feel like i'm losing ground, not being communicative, stonewalling. i haven't really processed that at all so i'm very interested in how others (especially ladies) deal with those kinds of emotions. i'm also interested in the experiences of others who have a partner to answer to when things go a bit dry.

Last edited by gala (04-09-06 18:36:44)

stammering · 04-09-06 18:47:42

Liandra wrote:

Warmtouch wrote:
As for the life lesson -- it isn't about short skirts. It has to do with whether she is inviting him to have sex and really means it or not. I have NO respect for women who pricktease. It's cruel, stupid, dangerous, and wrong. Its point is to humiliate the man when you tell him, "No, I didn't really mean it, I was only pretending to find you attractive." (If a man were to flatter a woman in this way and then turn her down at the last minute, we wouldn't hesitate to condemn him as a jerk. But for some reason prickteasing seems to get more of a pass. I don't like double standards in EITHER direction.) If anybody, male or female, makes sexual overtures to someone else, they need to mean it. If it is to be an absolute requirement that sex must be consensual, with no excuses allowed for anything else -- which I think it should -- then we MUST be able to trust the signals we're being sent. No misrepresentation is permissible, because it throws the whole issue of consent into question.
By what do you mean by prick tease though? Is flirting being a prick tease? Lots of people flirt and it is not an offer of sex. Must a woman fuck every man just because she has expressed an attraction to him by flirting? Can you elaborate on what you mean by "flatter and then turn down at the last minute" do you mean, say, after they have left the place together? or prior to that when the man asks her to leave with him she says no? I don't think either of those things throws the whole issue of consent into the question AT ALL. A person should be able to change their mind at any point. If men can not control themselves then they are rapists like any other. If a woman was turned down by a man who had led her on a bit she may call him a jerk, just as most men would just call a woman a tease and get over it, but she certainly wouldn't then rape him and think the boundaries of whether it was consensual or not were blurred.

There are girls and there are women. The former probably has confused ideas about what her intentions are; and her intentions may be very different to what her actions might suggest. Women, on the other hand, do know what their intentions are, it's just that most of us guys are visually impaired when it comes to reading the signals correctly.

Warmtouch · 04-09-06 19:47:36

Hi, Elf -- no, I've moved from your concrete example to something more hypothetical. The Abba song is fiction, after all. I definitely don't mean to refer to your situation specifically.

Liandra, there's a difference between changing your mind -- which I agree that you are entitled to do at ANY time -- and coming on to someone with no intention whatsoever of carrying through with it. The former is sincere, the latter isn't. It's cruel trickery. It's an intentional wind-up. Yes, I agree that every man should be able to control himself at all times under all circumstances... which pretty much rules out sex under the influence of alcohol or drugs (and I imagine a LOT of people wouldn't be happy if they had to live up to that, but I do). But as a matter of practical safety, it's dangerous to play such tricks on men and women should be taught that at an early age. The "privilege" of running hot and cold that women used to claim up through the 50s is crap. They have an absolute right to say no at any moment whatsoever, but abusing that right muddies the issue in the minds of a great many men and makes the world a more dangerous place for other women.

As for flirting -- I don't know much about it, because it has never been my style, but I do think there's a limit beyond which it's not a good idea to go. Personally, I feel as if it's a waste of time, and so do most of my older female friends. If I want to have sex with someone I tell them so; otherwise, let's talk about art or music or philosophy. Being deliberately sexually aroused by a woman and then going home to a cold shower isn't my idea of fun.

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