Changes and preferences

bodyhead · 07-07-06 04:33:50

I had a friend at university who arrived there thinking himself utterly gay. He had gone to two private all-male schools and had had sexual relations with over thirty boys (think it was 32). In his first week at university he met a girl and started going out with and sleeping with her. She was the first woman he had been aware of being attracted to (and very strongly). However he still liked boys and occasionally slept with them. So he thought himself as bisexual. By the end of his time at university he identified himself as 'straight', (though that may have been for convenience). Quite a journey.

I'm wondering two things - have peple here gone through a process of change anything at all like that (in any direction);
and/or where are you now? (Question addressed to persons of any gender.)

Last edited by bodyhead (07-07-06 04:49:14)

bodyhead · 07-07-06 04:41:02

To answer myself first - I have a definite preference for women, but had a few experiences with men in my youth, in the last one of which I bit the other man's penis accidentally, which isn't very good. Also AIDS came along put me off a bit, with its complications. I like looking at men, but basically think of myself as 'straight'.

Siobhan · 07-07-06 04:50:50

just want to say great thread topic! I'm spent and am off to bed, but can't wait to see what folks have written. (also i've answered this on another thread, so won't repeat myself here.)

thx, bodyhead!

ps: you didn't actually bite it OFF, did you? I'm so tired I read it that way at first, but i'm sure that's not so.

i love to bite, liveto bite, really, and it gets me into trouble sometimes, especially when nibbling very softly and tenderly around the clitoris and you get really into it and don't realize what you've done until she yelps.

Elfman · 07-07-06 07:01:11

I've personaly never been sexualy attracted by another man (that is wanted to have sex with one) but have on many occassions have found myself strongly attracted and fascinated to certain particular mens personalitys. I don't suppose the two things are that far apart. I think this whole "sexual preference" thing is a lot more ambiguous and mobile than is commonly recognised. There isn't just hetero, gay or bi. There are a whole lot of in betweens and people can shift position on the scale quite markedly. I'd love to write more on this but I have to rush off to work right now. I might be back.

Elfman.

Last edited by Elfman (07-07-06 17:16:20)

frankie · 07-07-06 08:45:39

Wow I've never really thought (or had to) about having to give up half of your attraction when settling down with one person. I can't imagine how that actually works.

To answer the thread my preference has never changed. I started playing with girls when I was 4 years old and never stopped. I can appreciate beauty in all forms including male but Í am not and have never been sexually aroused by men.

I know of a few lesbians that in their thirties have chosen to have relationships with men but I have to say unfortunately for the men that this was out of convenience. Home loans, financial security, career requirements, babies etc.

I also know of a stack of men and women that came out late in life but you couldn't really consider that a change in preference, more a late revelation of a preexisiting one.

PeteUK · 07-07-06 10:18:38

Personally, my journey’s been remarkably linear. I knew that I was attracted to women back before I knew what attraction was, just like I knew I’d be obsessed with cunnilingus as soon as I discovered it existed. Then, much later, once I got to actually be with a woman and try out that act, I was relieved to find that both far exceeded my expectations! Two of the few things in life that have actually been better than I imagined them to be…

And I’ve never found men physically attractive. Amusing, yes, in that ‘last turkey in the shop’ kind of way – one of my little mantras is that if you want to imagine something attractive, picture a naked woman. If you want to imagine something funny, picture a naked man. And if you want to imagine something really disturbing, picture a naked man smoking a pipe...

Brr…

On the other side of the coin, one of my very best friends came out a while ago. I’d known the guy since school, we see each other 2-3 times a week, have shared hotel rooms with him on numerous occasions. When he decided to admit to himself (and everyone else) that he was gay, my first reaction was, I have to admit, slightly selfish: “Wow, that means I’ll have a real gay friend. That’s going to make me sound so cosmopolitan!” My second was relief, because I knew something had been bugging him for ages and I was worried that he was really ill or something. From that point on, everything went back to being exactly as it had before. The only thing I can’t quite get my head around is why he fancies Tom Cruise. I mean, why can’t he fancy George Clooney like everyone else?

Liandra wrote:

I do feel a pressure to settle down with one preson, and that means denying half of myself. I feel like my boyfriend right now humours me but is ultimately expecting me to cut the shit and "go straight". That freaks me out. I would be very unhappy.

I’m slightly horrified by this, and I certainly hope it’s nothing you end up pressurised into. Your obvious attraction to women is something quite lovely, and if my partner expressed the same feelings I’d be encouraging her all the way. Literally.

I’m probably biased. But I like women so much that the idea of women liking other women is perfectly natural; a matter of simple good taste. In my naivete, I'm often slightly surprised if I find out some don't.

kronocide · 07-07-06 12:00:38

Currently my sexual preference is an academic problem, since I haven't had sex in a couple of years. On paper, I'm straight. I did consider for a while whether the reason I'm not having sex any more is that I'm gay, but discarded that theory. I've done enough of hugging, slow-dancing with, and kissing men when I was younger and we were fooling around that I believe I should have noticed something. There's nothing there. I'm fairly sure the reason I'm not having sex is not a coincidence though, but has something to do with my attitudes. Can't seem to find a woman that I am attracted to and who is attracted to me at the same time (though both happen independently every now and then). Maybe I was born for a hermit life?

msnevil · 08-07-06 07:04:47

I've been "hit" on by gay guys, and my gay cousin. But never had the temptation to join in. (ie. the typical "wank" parties.)

I've watched gay porn. (Hand\mouth) And to be honest. My wife got turned on, and I went too sleep.

To be honest. The one time, I actually entered the "poopster" by accident. I just about puked. So viewing Gay Anal Sex would proberly bring about the "gag" reflex.

Yes, I like watching lesbian porn. But yes, once agian. I about hurled after watching a Anal lick flick.

Perhaps, if I didn't have a anal "Germ" phobia. It would be different.

bodyhead · 13-07-06 03:13:42

I was involved in a group therapy thing once and there was a man there who had a sexual preference for men. He was also a serious misogynist who believed all that virgin/whore crap and his psychiatrist had told him that his homosexuality was based on hatred for women rather than something more positive (I don't know how to word it really).

He said (in so many words) that he always had to be the 'active' partner in sex, and he had a low opinion of the 'passive' man. He had a regular partner who was much younger than him, which I suppose tempered his contempt for him.

Not a nice man really. I think he fancied me actually (this was a long time ago) (not that it's relevant anyway).

This is somewhat Ancient Greek, I think. Pederasty.

msnevil · 13-07-06 07:08:26

I never could figure out why convicts. Think thier not "gay" as long as they give it in the a$$. And not get up thiers. ???

Elfman · 13-07-06 10:09:06

bodyhead wrote:

I was involved in a group therapy thing once and there was a man there who had a sexual preference for men. He was also a serious misogynist who believed all that virgin/whore crap and his psychiatrist had told him that his homosexuality was based on hatred for women rather than something more positive (I don't know how to word it really).

That's an appalling diagnosis. The psychiatrist sounds like a real quack to me. The guy in your therapy group obviously had serious issues concerning women and power but to assume that they were the reasons for his homosexuality (and to tell his patient that) was extremley bad clinical practice.

Elfman.

bodyhead · 13-07-06 16:13:30

Liandra wrote:

From what you have described this man has contempt for men and women so I doubt his hatefullness has been what's guided his sexuality, he is just an arse who likes men. There are lots of hateful people out there, I don't think it effects who they are attracted to.

He didn't have contempt for men, just passive homosexual men above a certain age group (just like in Ancient Greece). I don't believe that psychiatrist either, but this bloke did, because it fitted with his own ideas.
The whole thing was um strange. He spoke a lot about hating his mother, who he said had neglected him. He cried talking about stuff like this. However he didn't hate her enough to stop caring for her - he lived with her and looked after her rather than have her sent to an old people's home. He had to organise a lot of his life around that, and obviously it involves some sacrifice.
My view was that he was more of a pederast than what is normally described as 'gay'. He flirted heavily and I think spontaneously with a woman in the group. But he had a much younger boyfriend, who he spoke of quite affectionately.
He was suicidally depressed.
Perhaps I shouldn't have started on this history, because it would probably need a book to do justice to the whole thing. People are a mass of contradictions of course. Maybe there are a million things that may contribute to who one ends up in bed with. This man confused me, and I like to talk about the things that confuse me.
Uh, maybe I shouldn't start talking about Freud, Foucault and Judith Butler at this point.

Last edited by bodyhead (13-07-06 16:35:02)

msnevil · 14-07-06 07:43:43

I suppose I was insensitive in the last two comments. Sometimes I forget the emotional attachment. That words carry. (Sorry also for the bluntness in my anal phobia. Maybe I'm too much like stephanie.)

The last comment was a question I had after watching a PBS show. (About prison inmates.) The question being how the prison Culture transforms Homo sapien sexual nature. ie Without available "female's", the inmates feminize other inmate's. The same can be seen in the animal world as well. Without the available stimuli of the oppisite gender. The animals will transform the pecking order. And the female Gender will be assigned to less dominant male's.

Could such a form happen in a lesser form in normative society?

(Also to note, I grew up with horse's. And saw horse's born "gay". Other's were assigned gender by a pecking order. Some became "Gay" after many years of being heterosexual, and other's vise versa. There was even a few horse's forces to become "straight" via the pecking order.) Now granted Humans are not Horse's. But could the same social dynamics be ours as well?

Please note, These are just questions without a goal. I really don't know the answers. But I have no fear to ask the question.

Liandra wrote:

I would think that being gay isn't decided by the sexual act of penetrating or being penetrated. I should imagine there are a whole lot of gay men that have never so much as kissed a man. I wouldn't want to comment on or judge what happens to a humans sexuality when incarcerated for any length of time.

You know MSN your two posts in this thread seem different to you're usual tone. I think the cyber transexuals thread has made me paranoid but I've got to ask, is that actually you posting or have you leant you sign on to someone more crass than you usually are?

msnevil · 14-07-06 08:01:25

Its been a while Since I been in collage. But do remember in my psychology classes. That a certain stage of child growth. The child pulls away from the mother, yet wants the reassurance that she is still there. If the mother doesn't give the child limited independence or ignores the child when he needs her. The child will become stuck in a certain development stage. And still be there as a adult.

Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt- Erikson.

"""People are a mass of contradictions of course."""

And this is why psychology theories tend to fall apart outside a controlled environment.

bodyhead wrote:

Liandra wrote:
From what you have described this man has contempt for men and women so I doubt his hatefullness has been what's guided his sexuality, he is just an arse who likes men. There are lots of hateful people out there, I don't think it effects who they are attracted to.
He didn't have contempt for men, just passive homosexual men above a certain age group (just like in Ancient Greece). I don't believe that psychiatrist either, but this bloke did, because it fitted with his own ideas.
The whole thing was um strange. He spoke a lot about hating his mother, who he said had neglected him. He cried talking about stuff like this. However he didn't hate her enough to stop caring for her - he lived with her and looked after her rather than have her sent to an old people's home. He had to organise a lot of his life around that, and obviously it involves some sacrifice.
My view was that he was more of a pederast than what is normally described as 'gay'. He flirted heavily and I think spontaneously with a woman in the group. But he had a much younger boyfriend, who he spoke of quite affectionately.
He was suicidally depressed.
Perhaps I shouldn't have started on this history, because it would probably need a book to do justice to the whole thing. People are a mass of contradictions of course. Maybe there are a million things that may contribute to who one ends up in bed with. This man confused me, and I like to talk about the things that confuse me.
Uh, maybe I shouldn't start talking about Freud, Foucault and Judith Butler at this point.

#1 07-07-06 04:33:50

Changes and preferences

#2 07-07-06 04:41:02

Re: Changes and preferences

#3 07-07-06 04:50:50

Re: Changes and preferences

#4 07-07-06 07:01:11

Re: Changes and preferences

#5 07-07-06 08:45:39

Re: Changes and preferences

#6 07-07-06 10:18:38

Re: Changes and preferences

#7 07-07-06 12:00:38

Re: Changes and preferences

#8 08-07-06 07:04:47

Re: Changes and preferences

#9 13-07-06 03:13:42

Re: Changes and preferences

#10 13-07-06 07:08:26

Re: Changes and preferences

#11 13-07-06 10:09:06

Re: Changes and preferences

#12 13-07-06 16:13:30

Re: Changes and preferences

#13 14-07-06 07:43:43

Re: Changes and preferences

#14 14-07-06 08:01:25

Re: Changes and preferences

Board footer