"Rigor Mortis Makes Me Hard"

Lia · 05-07-06 20:44:01

You special lasses and lads might enjoy this splendid pecadillo I've dug up. I think it's jolly gold. In that Spandau Ballet sort of way.

http://www.modelmayhem.com/posts.php?thread_id=52585

Last edited by Lia (05-07-06 21:48:04)

Burlesque · 05-07-06 21:03:06

It is ... difficult to find words. Dismemberment? All in a day's work!

Burlesque.

Lia · 05-07-06 21:17:35

Yes, I for once found myself entirely incapable of uttering nary a syllable at first, and then just gaped at the screen in a combination of abject horror and gleeful hilarity. Morbid fascination - that car-crash aesthetic.

Dismemberment and gonnhoroea: together at last.

Mayhaps I should have talked about bruises, loss of hair and tooth removal in regards to what I think about whilst wanking during that Lubrication. Undoubtedly far more subversive and hardcore than what I conjured up.

kadok17 · 05-07-06 21:27:31

Disneyworld.

Lia · 05-07-06 21:29:24

kadok17 wrote:

Disneyworld.

Xanadu?

Burlesque · 05-07-06 21:37:56

Don't be sad, Lia: your lucubration is hardcore enough, really it is. The phrase "myriad men" beats dismemberment anytime.

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (05-07-06 21:40:07)

Lia · 05-07-06 21:45:16

Aww, but I should have at least used some sort of self-reflexive quip like "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw". Note how I also coyly eschewed any references to both Herr Rickman and Signor Laurie.

"Myriad men" - alack, the only hardcore element there is the lukewarm alliteration.

Burlesque · 05-07-06 21:48:07

How about "a certain oral dexterity"?

I was aghast at the lack of mention of British Dom Fantasies involving hapless, innocent actors. Not as much as a sigh about El Rickman's steaming irresistibility. Tsk tsk.

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (05-07-06 21:51:43)

Lia · 05-07-06 21:58:24

Burlesque wrote:

How about "a certain oral dexterity"?
I was aghast at the lack of mention of British Dom Fantasies involving hapless, innocent actors. Not as much as a mention of El Rickman's steaming irresistibility. Tsk tsk.

Ahh, yes. That. The smirk might have taken it too far, though.

Jebus, the more I hear myself talk, the more disturbed I am by the fact that I write almost precisely in the same manner I actually speak.

Lordy, I was tempted. Lordy, I did allude to non-slash-related but distinct slasher sensibilities. That "liking watching men fuck" was, methinks, a dead give-away. Though somehow, I wasn't sure whether you dear dear subscribers would have appreciated my waxing lyrical and rhapsodic about my Laurie-Rickman sandwich. I have markets to cater for, damn it.

I mean, really:
Liandra: So what do you think about when you masturbate?
Lia: Oh, Snape and House engulfing me in a nice congo line of fuck. Sans Voldemort.

So not kosher.

Burlesque · 05-07-06 22:09:19

No, the smirk was just right; or I'm just unsophisticated enough to appreciate it. Anyway, I see you haven't lost your penchant for getting annoyed at details, particularly if they pertain to you, the way you look or the way you behave .

The fact that you speak the way you write is one of the cool things about you. How many people do? It's weird but oddly compelling ... Hm, I think I just made a pretty good capsule description of you as a person .

Yes, men having sex. Perhaps the lucubration would not be the right "forum" for that particular weakness of yours. On this forum on the other hand, you can let it rip ... as if anyone could stop you. I'm a bad person, because I'm known to actually encourage your various insanities.

By the way, has the damaged tissue of your chin regenerated after your shower accident yet?

Burlesque.

Last edited by Burlesque (05-07-06 22:12:14)

Lia · 05-07-06 22:43:12

Burlesque wrote:

No, the smirk was just right; or I'm just unsophisticated enough to appreciate it. Anyway, I see you haven't lost your penchant for getting annoyed at details, particularly if they pertain to you, the way you look or the way you behave .

Smirking... Alan Rickman smirks... and sneers... and snarks... Ahh, through our mutual tendency to smirk with pivotal aplomb, Alan and I are inextricably, umbilically linked: Oh, the poetry of it all! Oh, the pornographic perverse quasi-romantic unity!

Ach, but you know very well I'll never lose that special special part of me. And I recall you being almost as self-deprecating, albeit in a rather different, less histrionic way.

Burlesque wrote:

The fact that you speak the way you write is one of the cool things about you. How many people do? It's weird but oddly compelling ... Hm, I think I just made a pretty good capsule description of you as a person .

Well, er, thanks (my compliment gland was on self-deprecation flux again). "Weird but oddly compelling" - I can take that. I can get it printed on an obnoxious XXXS t-shirt and tie it around the waist fetching a la Madonna. Yes, I like.

I often find that people's writing styles are more frequently dramatically different to their vocal enunciations, and it's often quite disappointing to find someone who writes very well but speaks rather ordinarily. And vice versa. What's even worse, I think, is someone who both talks and writes utterly affectedly.

Burlesque wrote:

Yes, men having sex. Perhaps the lucubration would not be the right "forum" for that particular weakness of yours. On this forum on the other hand, you can let it rip ... as if anyone could stop you. I'm a bad person, because I'm known to actually encourage your various insanities.

No, no, think of yourself as some sort of catharsis-enabling analyst who empowers and encourages me to fag-haggishly free-associate at whim. Albeit one who teases me incessantly about it and admittedly rather facetiously calls me a *snivel* wimp.

Burlesque wrote:

By the way, has the damaged tissue of your chin regenerated after your shower accident yet?

Oh, that. For added sexiness, it now looks less like the brutal ramification of domestic violence (or an encrusted sodding pimple, as it did last week - tres tres foxy, I tell you), and just looks more like an annoying scar that'll take months to eradicate. I have something of a scarring complex - I so much as shallowly cut my legs shaving, and I'm left with a mark that'll last eons. Mayhaps a sadomasochistic pervy tryst with James Spader really is for me - he can desperately attempt to penetrate my shaving scars, and I can brutally thump him over the head simultaneously for his evisceration of a perfectly good book. Though thanks for asking.

Siobhan · 06-07-06 05:13:54

::tip-toeing in to this ardent and frisson-filled logojoust to say that it's yummy entertainment to watch you two circling one another.

Moreover, the supreme pleasure of this thread is its title.

Thought the competition was quite, um, stiff this month, Lia has won the award for Most Clever Thread Head.

Burlesque, what do we have for Lia?

Lia wrote:

... and it's often quite disappointing to find someone who writes very well but speaks rather ordinarily. And vice versa. What's even worse, I think, is someone who both talks and writes utterly affectedly.

Gawd, I know whatchu mean. Thank goodness we don't have any people like that here. . . .

Burlesque · 06-07-06 05:22:15

The smirking! I should have seen how that makes you and poor, abused Mr. Rickman soulmates. I look forward to seeing you as the evil, chronically smirking Mrs. Snape in the next Harry Potter film, and also to your real life shenanigans as related in the tabloid press: "Panicked Alan Rickman chased through garden by spouse wearing hot pink strap-on".

I am jealously defensive of my self-loathing, as it is the slave who whispers "thou art mortal" in my ear . How about that for less histrionic?

This is good for you: you just managed to accept a compliment. Next time it will be easier. You've just taken an important step toward full recovery, and soon you shall be capable of beaming self-importantly at people saying nice things about you, and reply: "I know, dear, I really am rather amazing".

I speak and write in two very different ways. When me talks me go "urgh urgh urgh" and walk wit de nuckels in de graund. Only goes to show how little you really know about a person from her or his writing style. I live in a tree, coming down to the ground only to club unsuspecting animals over the head so that I can eat their brains and briefly become intelligent enough to respond to your outrageously clever posts. Mind you, it is a bit tricky balancing my computer, but I've managed to stuff it between two branches and make a protective blanket out of animal skins to shield it when it's raining. The rest of my tribe finds me weird but oddly compelling.

I tease you only to cling to what semblance of sanity I have left after gibberingly reading some of your more shocking revelations about human depravity. I rather like "catharsis-enabling analyst", though. Can I print it on my card? It's a much nicer title than my current "sarcastically insufferable know-it-all". And about talking and/or writing affectedly: you really should sound as if you are, but from you it just comes across as naturally-flowing eloquence. Rare gift, and valuable. And forget the "wimp" stuff: I'm just a stupid foreigner who doesn't understand the finer points of the Bard's Tongue. You-re not a wimp, you're a softy inclined to kick people in the pants and "bitchslap them inertly".

Another go at poor James Spader. I can see him now, prowling the streets, hips thrusting, looking for any type of bleeding wound, sore or skin defect to sink his perverted member into. This is precisely the sort of thing that makes me have to tease you in order to keep passably mentally balanced. If you ever see him around, though, make sure to put a band-aid on that "encrusted pimple"/"religiously symbolic injury". Of course, if Alan Rickman or Hugh Laurie turned out to have Mr. Spader's alleged proclivities, that would be, I suspect, quite alright and rather sexy in a charmingly demented sort of way?

Burlesque.

Burlesque · 06-07-06 05:24:04

Siobhan wrote:

Burlesque, what do we have for Lia?

You know what she wants. It's hot pink and costs $85.

Burlesque.

bodyhead · 06-07-06 06:24:47

I think Lia is seventeen different people in flux. None of them are on television, three on film, one talking to her psychoanalyst, one in R.E.M., two more dreaming simultaneously, one speaking in tongues, three characters in books, two on the circle line travelling in opposite directions and two unidentifiable. That makes fifteen.
In the time since I began this paragraph it has been rendered entirely invalid. 6.21am. 6.23am. okay.

kronocide · 06-07-06 13:51:22

Excellent, yet another one for my West Nile snuff collection.

By the way Lia, I believe the most hardcore detail of your lucubration is reading Lady Chatterley's Lover at the age of six. That is fucking Hard Core.

Burlesque · 06-07-06 14:53:39

Kronocide does have a point.

Burlesque.

The_West_Wind · 06-07-06 14:54:42

Nothing says hot psycho lovin than a pair of his and hers matching chainsaws. Imagine the fun around the house playing Chasey.

bodyhead · 06-07-06 15:54:39

kronocide wrote:

Excellent, yet another one for my West Nile snuff collection.

Your what?!
Speaking of snuff, what do you think of snus? Do you or your friends use it?

Burlesque · 06-07-06 17:06:27

Burlesque wrote:

Siobhan wrote:
Burlesque, what do we have for Lia?
You know what she wants. It's hot pink and costs $85.
Burlesque.

Sorry, that should be $180. I always get my strap-on pricetags mixed up.

Burlesque.

Lia · 07-07-06 19:23:05

Siobhan wrote:

::tip-toeing in to this ardent and frisson-filled logojoust to say that it's yummy entertainment to watch you two circling one another.
Moreover, the supreme pleasure of this thread is its title.
Thought the competition was quite, um, stiff this month, Lia has won the award for Most Clever Thread Head.
Burlesque, what do we have for Lia?

A Hugh Laurie shaped strap-on? A buttplug in the shape of Alan Rickman's nose? Oh, you little tease.

Siobhan wrote:

Lia wrote:
... and it's often quite disappointing to find someone who writes very well but speaks rather ordinarily. And vice versa. What's even worse, I think, is someone who both talks and writes utterly affectedly.
Gawd, I know whatchu mean. Thank goodness we don't have any people like that here. . . .

Certainly not. We all here are highly unpretentious, frank, forward and wholly artless folk who simply like discussing self-love and... obnoxiously coloured sex-toys which may or may not be used whilst contemplating various British boffin.

Lia · 07-07-06 20:04:43

Burlesque wrote:

The smirking! I should have seen how that makes you and poor, abused Mr. Rickman soulmates. I look forward to seeing you as the evil, chronically smirking Mrs. Snape in the next Harry Potter film, and also to your real life shenanigans as related in the tabloid press: "Panicked Alan Rickman chased through garden by spouse wearing hot pink strap-on".

I daresay poor Mr. Rickman, with his delicate sensibilities, and genteelishly honed cultural refinements, would find a hot pink strap-on rather distasteful. This is admittedly the same Mr. Rickman who donned a curly black perm-wig and monstrous bling-bling gold gypsy hoop earrings in the name of "art".

Also, as an apparent slash apologist (she says, with a Rickmanesque snicker and a quick Hail Mary), I cannot wed Mr. Rickman, much as I'd give my firstborn to do so, because according to all these nutball fanfic fag-hags, the man's actually a rutting fudge-packer (Lordy, I've been hankering to use that splendiferous phrase all sodding semester; my supervisor deemed it "academically unsound"). And whilst I've apparently "turned" a good couple of packers of fudge in my time, I think Mr. Rickman enjoys Potter booty a little too well. But we shall smirk together and drink port, and if I drink enough, I may shamelessly but articulately proposition the poor man and/or bribe him with my "oral dexterity".

Burlesque wrote:

I am jealously defensive of my self-loathing, as it is the slave who whispers "thou art mortal" in my ear . How about that for less histrionic?

Good God. You should have been a goth.

Sorry, sorry, that was below the (studded) belt. I'm goth-embittered today because I had to endure a conversation about Sylvia Plath, and that's enough to turn anyone's head towards the proverbial oven of histrionics.

Burlesque wrote:

This is good for you: you just managed to accept a compliment. Next time it will be easier. You've just taken an important step toward full recovery, and soon you shall be capable of beaming self-importantly at people saying nice things about you, and reply: "I know, dear, I really am rather amazing".

Oh, after air-guitaring magnificently in time to Boston's 'More Than a Feeling' this eve (says she with a remarkably putrescent lack of shame), I spent the next five minutes gleefully exclaiming "I am so good!" whilst choking happily on my vodka and cran. So the self-esteem thing is coming along, even if does involve appalling music and trashy dypsomania. I even accepted my thesis HD (pardon the gratuitous gloating) with nary a few syllables of self-deprecation and a bit of "Nonsense, nonsense, my supervisor has obviously developed a touch of brain damage". Go Team Neurotic Lia!

Burlesque wrote:

I speak and write in two very different ways. When me talks me go "urgh urgh urgh" and walk wit de nuckels in de graund. Only goes to show how little you really know about a person from her or his writing style. I live in a tree, coming down to the ground only to club unsuspecting animals over the head so that I can eat their brains and briefly become intelligent enough to respond to your outrageously clever posts. Mind you, it is a bit tricky balancing my computer, but I've managed to stuff it between two branches and make a protective blanket out of animal skins to shield it when it's raining. The rest of my tribe finds me weird but oddly compelling.

You need to find a way of hiding a nice collection of Leonard Cohen albums, a rather corpulent cat named Baldrick, and the pornographic version of Top Gun (poignantly entitled 'Top Bun') up in that weird but oddly compelling tree of yours. It would make our increasingly baroque banter all the sweeter and easier.

I daresay, I can't imagine you going "urgh urgh urgh". I can't even imagine you speaking in the accent you've described. I've got you pinned down as another not-so-closet anglophile who develops a decidedly plummy, fruity, British twang when slightly intoxicated.

Burlesque wrote:

I tease you only to cling to what semblance of sanity I have left after gibberingly reading some of your more shocking revelations about human depravity. I rather like "catharsis-enabling analyst", though. Can I print it on my card? It's a much nicer title than my current "sarcastically insufferable know-it-all".

Print it on your card in pink, I say, in a very flamboyant and frivolous font (why am I reminded of that dick-game business card comparing sequence in American Psycho?). The same pink as the aforementioned strap-on, methinks.

Burlesque wrote:

And about talking and/or writing affectedly: you really should sound as if you are, but from you it just comes across as naturally-flowing eloquence. Rare gift, and valuable. And forget the "wimp" stuff: I'm just a stupid foreigner who doesn't understand the finer points of the Bard's Tongue. You-re not a wimp, you're a softy inclined to kick people in the pants and "bitchslap them inertly".

I'm very glad you say so. I've spent half my life thinking I sound like one of those pre-recorded voice messages, only with more superfluous adjectives. I shall not bitchslap you inertly; I shall merely give you the humble gift of a nice Hammer Horror box-set in appreciation for the nefarious strap-on. It seems an appropriate exchange - Christopher Lee for bulging, luridly hued, manual erotic paraphernalia.

Burlesque wrote:

Another go at poor James Spader. I can see him now, prowling the streets, hips thrusting, looking for any type of bleeding wound, sore or skin defect to sink his perverted member into. This is precisely the sort of thing that makes me have to tease you in order to keep passably mentally balanced. If you ever see him around, though, make sure to put a band-aid on that "encrusted pimple"/"religiously symbolic injury".

I think I may just don a full-body condom and hope for the best. And maybe tease him for his pervy pervy ickiness for good measure when he so much as grazes the abused spouse trophy that is my poor poor religiously symbolic injury.

"Passably mentally balanced". That's the most splendiferous compliment I've received all week (aside from the "Noice tits!" screech I received from an gentlemen in an onpassing vehicle the precise shade of Linda Blair-esque bile - now that was ego-boostingly, validatingly, sublimely complimentary). That's infinitely better than the HD. Corrr! I'm passably mentally balanced! Any psychoanalyst worth his or her salt would probably contend vehemently otherwise, but I tire of poxy "tell me about your muzzer" psychiatry, I really do.

Burlesque wrote:

Of course, if Alan Rickman or Hugh Laurie turned out to have Mr. Spader's alleged proclivities, that would be, I suspect, quite alright and rather sexy in a charmingly demented sort of way?

Of course. Need you even ask? Though I daresay I'd be a little frelling disturbed if they did indeed feel the need to joyously phallically violate myriad injuries and wounds. I'm sure they have a plethora of sick predelictions of their own (with Rickman, I suspect it's slashy Don't Stand So Close To Me-esque Nabokovian inclinations, and with Laurie, it's probably more of a Lecterish velvet-tongued sadism of the sharply cerebral if deceptively thickie sort), but they seem far too well-balanced, good-natured and generally sophisticated to take out their pent-up paroxysms on some piddly postmodern wound. Far too unrefined for such debonair gentlemen.

Lia · 07-07-06 20:08:36

kronocide wrote:

By the way Lia, I believe the most hardcore detail of your lucubration is reading Lady Chatterley's Lover at the age of six. That is fucking Hard Core.

It is a little... unbalanced, is it? I was a... precocious child. Soon after Lady Chatterley came Lolita and soon after Lolita came Death in Venice, and I was a thoroughly debauched lass - as least on a literary level - before I had even gotten around to reading the really sick stuff... Like The Chronicles of Narnia. Ick. That's BAAAAAD hardcore.

Lia · 07-07-06 20:10:37

bodyhead wrote:

I think Lia is seventeen different people in flux. None of them are on television, three on film, one talking to her psychoanalyst, one in R.E.M., two more dreaming simultaneously, one speaking in tongues, three characters in books, two on the circle line travelling in opposite directions and two unidentifiable. That makes fifteen.
In the time since I began this paragraph it has been rendered entirely invalid. 6.21am. 6.23am. okay.

I think you've got me sorted impressively immaculately, bodyhead. An Agatha Christie mystery wrapped up in a Laura Palmer enigma thrown indiscreetly into a pile of Woody Allen dvds.

Say, I'm sick of my psychoanalyst. Whaddya say? Got a couch?

cynicism · 07-07-06 23:58:44

"catharsis-enabling analyst"? I'd have said "anal-obsessed", rather than "analyst", but I'm sure that's merely the influence of the vast quantities of anal sex you've been reading.

Don't know if you've noticed, sweet Lia, but you've been showing the signs of over-indulgence in brain-altering chemicals again - you haven't been taking those not-exactly-working sleeping tablets, have you?

I've not viewed your contributions yet, Lia, but I'm looking forward to doing so today. My schedule has been ludicrous recently, but I've declared today to be an official break (take a break or take a breakdown...). Means I get a chance to participate on the forums. I may be a tad merciless, though (call it a buildup of unrequired bile. Ooh, I like that. I may be forced to unleash that on another unsuspecting audience.)

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"Rigor Mortis Makes Me Hard"

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