Ask ATK

The_West_Wind · 10-06-06 02:30:10

Hey, I happen to be a really good mate of a guy that goes under the internet tag of ATK (his initials). He is something of an internet Guru and his threads called "Ask ATK" are quite popular on other boards. They're really funny too, all you do is ask him a question and he will answer it from atop of his "Floating Pillow of Wisdom".

Here was one he let me post:

Q: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"?
And was it the same person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."?
A:Those hedonistic Greeks knew a thing of two when it came to the persuit of pleasure. It seemed that when the Greeks would lay stone flattened pieces of sun-ripeded corn on the backs of hot chicks to dry in the sun, they became a rather attractive snack.
One of the farmers who happened to own a corn drying facility (where very attractive women are bred for such purposes) was obersving the cattle in his neighbors farm. He noticed that the young calfs were feeding from their mothers insted of eating grass and moo-ing. Mistaking this for an act of animal canibalisim, he jumps his fence to get a closer look, the calf was indeed feeding off the mother cow.
He thought to himself, cows are big when they grow, if I drink this stuff too, I'll grow bigger.
After many failed attempts to apply the same techniques to his Corn Driers, he decided to settle with the cows milk after the bruises healed.
He enjoied snacking on his dried corn and drinking the milk, then the idea hit him- To save time in the morning, rather that have the corn with the milk, have the corn with the milk.
And thus a new age was born.
Now for Eggs we have to travel to that fabled land, Sweden.
Being a cold climate, it was often the duity of the youngest son or daughter to protect the chickens from foxes and wolves. In ancient times that was the way of things, of course.
Now this particular Swede had a son that wasnt all that enlightened. But he did his job like a true champion. One particular day the son was guarding the chickens as usual, when suddenly a fox slipped past him, it scared the fertile chooks that shot out a mass of eggs. He got rid of the fox but didnt know what to do with these round thing that the chooks just shat out. Thinking that his father wouldnt aproove of what had just happened, he decided to hide the evidence by eating the eggs. As we all know a raw egg tastes terrible and he spat it on to a heating plate on the small fire he had to keep him warm. The eggs cooked, looked a bit more appealing and tasted better. He solved his problem and caused a new revolution in cullinary delight!
Remember: Even the best, most revolutionary things in our lives were discovered by accident.

What do you think?
Should I start a thread for him?

Warmtouch · 10-06-06 12:39:15

Tell him not to give up his day job.

ashmedi · 10-06-06 13:11:26

The_West_Wind wrote:

Hey, I happen to be a really good mate of a guy that goes under the internet tag of ATK (his initials). He is something of an internet Guru and his threads called "Ask ATK" are quite popular on other boards. They're really funny too, all you do is ask him a question and he will answer it from atop of his "Floating Pillow of Wisdom".
Here was one he let me post:
Q: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"?
And was it the same person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."?
What do you think?
Should I start a thread for him?

Dear West_Wind.
I think you must be extremely young and or naive. You say your mate let you post those. ????
FYI the first example has been floating around for probably 40 years or more and may be one of Carlins early works and has been snail-mailed, emailed, and transmitted by 8 track, reel to reel, casette, vinyl, CD, etc.
As warmtouch says, "Tell him not to give up his day job" ;0

aven frey · 10-06-06 13:18:14

Dear ATK
Why is my damb wisdom tooth all impacted and infected? I brush my teeth everymorning and every night. Also why do antibiotics make me throw up?

blissed · 10-06-06 13:40:09

There is an oracle of wisdom on the internet. I'm not going to tell you who he is but he says that you can clean your teeth every night but must must must must must floss, or they'll all fall out. and turning his attention to your second question he says that there are beneficial bugs in your stomach that help you digest food and their killed off by the antibiotics, thats whyyou throw up. all these are undisputed facts.
Next!

The_West_Wind · 10-06-06 14:07:52

Dear West_Wind.
I think you must be extremely young and or naive. You say your mate let you post those. ????
FYI the first example has been floating around for probably 40 years or more and may be one of Carlins early works and has been snail-mailed, emailed, and transmitted by 8 track, reel to reel, casette, vinyl, CD, etc.
As warmtouch says, "Tell him not to give up his day job" ;0

ATK posts on other messageboards and he specifies that although there is some plauseable evidence in his replies they are specifically for comical purposes. The questions are written by real people, if whoever wrote the question got it from Carlin then that is their thing. The reply is ATK's own work.

I'm not too fussed by it if Richard or anyone wants to cut this thread from the forum. ATK just thought he'd share some of his stuff here if you wanted to read it.
(I'm 26)

Elfman · 10-06-06 21:30:45

The_West_Wind wrote:

I'm not too fussed by it if Richard or anyone wants to cut this thread from the forum. ATK just thought he'd share some of his stuff here if you wanted to read it.

I don't think there is any danger that Richard will cut it West_Wind. This part of the forum is for any subject not touching on the submissions. I think It's a good idea. Let's see where it goes.

The_West_Wind · 12-06-06 14:41:56

ATK wishes to welcome you.

A slow Asian like flute plays in the background casting the scene over a tranquil Japanese garden. Cherry blossoms fall like a blanket of pink snow over the lush green lawn that had been meticulously (sp?) maintained over the many years. There is a large gazeebo at the end of a curving grey cobblestoned path. As we come closer to the gazeebo the music fades away and we are greeted with a different tune, there is a man who sits on a floating pillow, resplendant in his Toga of Wisdom, quitely struming Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" on an Situar. He welcomes you.
Approach students. I welcome you to my sanctuary. Here I will answer any questions on almost anything you wish to be enlightened
Remember students, talk is cheap, but public speakers earn a fortune.
Please join with me in the mantra of the wise...
Moneyyyyyy..... Give meeee monnney.... Mooooneyy.... Ohhhh... Moneyyyy....

Last edited by The_West_Wind (12-06-06 14:42:46)

The_West_Wind · 12-06-06 15:04:48

max wrote:

Dear ATK
Why is my damb wisdom tooth all impacted and infected? I brush my teeth everymorning and every night. Also why do antibiotics make me throw up?

ATK has this reply...

Welcome sister Max. Please allow me to ponder your enquiry for a moment.
The Floating Pillow Of Wisdom hovers casually to aid the thoughts of ATK as his mind spands the reaches of time, space and thought. Wakes up after a few seconds and offers this....
The wisdom tooth is an evolutionary byproduct that just didnt seem to take the hint that we didnt need it anymore. That was before man invented the internet. Before then, wisdom teeth didnt need wisdom, they were quite content to sit back in the gums and laugh like dopey gits at all the other teeth that got brushed before them. (The name wisdom tooth coming from its percarious position in the mandible, causing man to seek wisdom by inventing a brush that could reach that far. The result was Wisdom brand toothbrushes.)
Eventually man found it was a better idea to remove the tooth altogether, which in itself was a wise move, giving the patient four less teeth to worry about when using a Wisdom toothbrush.
Now, your impaction. While all this pain is going on, tiny bacteria are playing Verdi's Anvil Chorus in your gums, building fluid pressure around the tooth in preparation for the day it will be removed. In the words of Martha Stewart:
"Its a good thing." Painful, but good.
In the end wouldnt it be wiser to have the wisdom tooth removed?
--Cha-Clang!--
ATK gently clashes the Finger Cymbols of Higher Thought. The Floating Pillow of Wisdom raises a few inches higher while striking a deep philosophical pose (for five seconds only, of course).
Peace, to all.

aven frey · 13-06-06 06:21:36

Why thankyou ATK and Oracle. Thanks to your combined wisdom I have decided to have all my teeth removed so that I can floss them without hurting my tounge.

The_West_Wind · 17-06-06 10:15:14

Today, ATK offers this pearl of wisdom...

Greetings Brothers and Sisters. Allow this to become your thought for the day:
If a person with multipal personalities commits a bank robbery, can he legally take themselves hostage?
--Cha-Clang!--
ATK gently clashes the Finger Cymbols of Higher Thought. The Floating Pillow of Wisdom raises a few inches higher while striking a deep philosophical pose (for five seconds only, of course).
Peace, to all.

greycat · 21-06-06 11:07:47

Dear ATK: What is the meaning of life (at least, this week)?

The_West_Wind · 24-06-06 14:54:13

ATK has this reply...

Welcome to the fold, brother (or sister) Greycat.
You would be suprised at the number of times I receive this question. Oh yes, absolutely suprised. You simply wouldnt believe just how many ask this question. the results are simply mind boggling at the number of people who asked this question.
ATK sits atop his Floating Pillow of Wisdom. He holds a five second pose of what looks like universal contimplation. He reaches behind his back and slides a hidden dimmer switch activating the slightly faltering coloured lightbulbs in his Aura of Tranquility.
To many the meaning of life is a perception on how we receive the world in which we live. How we interact with that around us, and how we use that which we have interacted with.
My theory is known as "The Theory of One".
Life is an ongoing, ever perpetuating, system. A way to think of it is this:
Picture a large field of grass. Each blade of grass is individual and unique in its own way, different from the others. They grow, they die, they scatter their seed they cross pollenate, they sprout runners and multiply. But if you take one random blade of grass from the field, you change the entire field forever.
Life can not come to an end unless there is absolutely one of everything that has ever exsited. Human life has a near endless combination of expenential biological out comes, and until each one of those combinations have come to an end, passed its genes and moved on down to the last surviving member of our species only then life may come to an end. Maybe.
So what is the meaning of life?
It exists, because you exist.
--Cha-Clang!--
ATK gently clashes the Finger Cymbols of Higher Thought. The Floating Pillow of Wisdom raises a few inches higher while striking a deep philosophical pose (for five seconds only, of course).
Peace, to all.

Siobhan · 24-06-06 17:54:00

ATK you are hilarious and oh-so-profound. Thanks for giving me the first belly-rocking laugh I've had in days! A great way to start the Saturday.

TWW: I've been thinking about you, as your reason for being here (on IFM) closely mirrors my own. Hope your work is going well!

peace to all (ommmmmmm)--
siobhan

greycat · 25-06-06 06:41:58

Tee-Dubya-Dubya: please let ATK know: hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahheheheheheheheheheheheh!!!!!!! [chokechokesnarfsnarfsnarf] good ONE, dude! THAT was the Meaning of Life LAST WEEK!

p.s., "W" is a mighty-fine middle initial, y'all! come on down to the ranch next time you're in town!

and where can I get some of those Finger Cymbals of Higher Thought? I could really use a pair. do they use firewire, or USB2? do they need a preamp? can you set the audio sampling rate, or are they completely analog?

which reminds me, is reality digital, or analog? and another thing, oh ATK, is it true that there are only 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who dont?

Last edited by greycat (25-06-06 06:56:39)

Siobhan · 28-06-06 23:47:28

I just saw this very-serious question asked in the BA thread, and felt that it needed to come here, to the true guru of wisdom in all matters:

Does body-piercing lead to masturbation, or do masturbators just like to get pierced?

greycat · 30-06-06 12:22:23

Siobhan wrote:

I just saw this very-serious question asked in the BA thread, and felt that it needed to come here, to the true guru of wisdom in all matters:
Does body-piercing lead to masturbation, or do masturbators just like to get pierced?

Further, does NOT having a piercing also lead to masturbation, and how many masturbators dont want to be pierced?

The_West_Wind · 02-07-06 00:19:22

Siobhan wrote:

ATK you are hilarious and oh-so-profound. Thanks for giving me the first belly-rocking laugh I've had in days! A great way to start the Saturday.
TWW: I've been thinking about you, as your reason for being here (on IFM) closely mirrors my own. Hope your work is going well!
peace to all (ommmmmmm)--
siobhan

ATK has this reply for you...

I thank you too, sister Siobhan. With the help of West Wind I hope to bring you all a new perception of the world and how we live in it.
ATK shakes his head an flops down a weilding mask. He holds a box of assorted tiny coloured lightbulbs and a tiny pair of pliars for the Aura of Tranquility. Muttered swearing can be heard from behind the Floating Pillow of Wisdom followed by the occasional spark. He returns to the pillow sits. Raises. Adjusts his Toga of Enlightenment. A strand of hair smoulders quitely as he speaks.
I am sure West Wind will find what he is looking for. After all, it is the inevitability of the human truth, that in the end we all find what we are looking for sooner or later.
--Cha-Clang!--
ATK gently clashes the Finger Cymbols of Higher Thought. The Floating Pillow of Wisdom raises a few inches higher while striking a deep philosophical pose (for five seconds only, of course).
Peace, to all.

Last edited by The_West_Wind (02-07-06 01:45:39)

Siobhan · 02-07-06 00:53:28

The_West_Wind wrote:

. . . it is the inevitability of the human truth, that in the end we all find what we are looking for sooner or later.

I'm so relieved to hear that, as I've been looking for my keys for a quarter of an hour, and I'm soon-to-be late for a date.

::gassho::, guru ATK.

The_West_Wind · 06-07-06 00:53:21

Today, ATK wishes to impart this message from the wisdom of Chinese philosopher Kong Few Shun...

Greetings Brothers and Sisters,
Here is a thought for the day:
Humankind is inscrutable. Tell a man there are over 400 billion stars in the sky, and he will believe you. But tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it." - Kong Few Shun
--Cha-Clang!--
ATK gently clashes the Finger Cymbols of Higher Thought. The Floating Pillow of Wisdom raises a few inches higher while striking a deep philosophical pose (for five seconds only, of course).
Peace, to all.

Last edited by The_West_Wind (06-07-06 00:54:53)

blissed · 06-07-06 01:22:26

Yeah but it might not be, Oh great wise one. It might be dry

The_West_Wind · 06-07-06 14:48:20

Fingerpainting?

Siobhan · 06-07-06 15:05:18

oh my.

The_West_Wind · 07-07-06 08:55:48

I ment if the bench is wet then you will get paint on it.

#1 10-06-06 02:30:10

Ask ATK

#2 10-06-06 12:39:15

Re: Ask ATK

#3 10-06-06 13:11:26

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#4 10-06-06 13:18:14

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