opinions needed

blindsided · 14-11-08 23:26:33

I'm new to the site and, frankly, I'm in awe of the female orgasm. This site is amazing - words can not express my feelings. I want to write each and every contributor a letter of thanks for sharing with me. Even the clips that aren't erotically or sexually stimulating for me ARE emotionally stimulating and therefore... hot!

Here's the thing - my marriage of 19 years - 19 freaking years - is ending. My wife tells me she's always felt 'used' because I enjoyed giving her an orgasm. Frequently, it was me going down for her orgasm with no intention or evan an expectation of anything for me. I enjoyed giving her an orgasm that much.

So, the question is... am I a horrible person because I enjoyed giving my wife.. soon to be ex-wife - orgasms? For me, my orgasm was always, ALWAYS after hers and of secondary importance... Actually, the real question is about how much I enjoyed HER orgasms vs. mine...

Comments would be appreciated as I try to re-evaluate what is expected of me in future relationships, if I'm so fortunate.

blissed · 15-11-08 01:08:36

Doesn't seem to make sense actually that someone would want to leave you for that reason alone, I suspect your leaving an awful lot out, but anyway based on what you've said,

If someone your hot for is hot for you thats always a turn on, and their hot for you because they want you, thats passion, if their just thinking of pleasing you, would it matter so much if they found you attractive or not? Just wanting to please someone is considerate but kind of boring.

blindsided wrote:

I enjoyed giving her an orgasm. Frequently, it was me going down for her orgasm with no intention or evan an expectation of anything for me. .

Thats not passion is it, she's being serviced :) if there's an imperative for you to have an orgasm thats a huge compliment to her but without using words your saying to her "well I'll do my best for you but I'm not bothered myself" and thats like an insult. Your behaviour is telling her you love her but your not attracted to her.

Blissed (sex expert)

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blindsided · 15-11-08 06:20:11

Well of course I'm leaving a lot out - this wasn't intended to be auto-biographical or to convey enough info to analize a relationship, especially one that's gone on for over 20 years:). My enjoyment of her orgasms was only one thing that was brought up as AN issue. I didn't say that was the only issue. Her having an affair with a much older man (daddy substitute? 20 years older, in fact, he's 65...) is the main issue for me.

Also, I don't think my enjoyment of female orgasms is in any way any more 'servicing' than, say... a woman enjoying giving a BJ to her partner. Certainly providing pleasure to your partner w/o expecting or demanding reciprocity can't be considered selfish! How many guys view a quickie or a BJ from their wife/lover as an act of passion instead of 'being considerate' or simply as being serviced? We're not talking about a casual, short term relationship here, where the sex is... casual.

The point being that I enjoyed HER orgasm regardless of my own. Not insulting her that I couldn't be bothered, rather, more to the point was that it never was all about me and that her orgasm had priority over mine. Good gracious, if I weren't attracted to her as you suggest, I surely wouldn't want to go down on her or even care if she were satisfied or not. Do you think?

Which brings this back to the main point about how much I appreciate this web site and the women on it:).

OK - NOW to dissect your comments further... as a self-described 'sex expert'... I know of NO situation where anyone cares about pleasing someone they aren't attracted to unless it is a paying job - kind of like lawyers and psychologists and prostitutes - but saying 'prostitutes' is being redundant when referring to lawyers.

It's obvious that you are confusing lust for passion. Passion involves lust, certainly, but passion also involves a LOT more emotion than simple lust. Maybe after you have the fortune to be involved in a long term relationship where both persons care for each other, you'll come to know the difference between passion and lust. But until then I'd be quite embarassed about claiming to be a sex expert without comprehending the difference.

aven frey · 15-11-08 12:05:26

I'm quite certain Blissed was being hillarious when he called himself a sex expert, as a way of letting you know, he really isn't and he's perhaps just making suggestions of what could possibly be an issue. Really though it's kind of impossible to give you the advise you seek in relation to your marrige. You're obviously going through some hard times, ending things like that just fucking sucks.

richard · 15-11-08 13:39:49

Women generally won't tell you why they're leaving you. At least they won't tell you the truth - they're afraid you'll get hurt. Ironic huh?

blissed · 15-11-08 14:30:33

Thanks Bobby.
No I'm not a sexpert :) that was a slightly flippant way of letting you know this was my candid opinion that may or may not be useful to you. In fact, like music, sex is more of an art form than a science, with lots of different right answers, so this was my contribution both to you and your wife or any relationship you have in the future.

I personally think mutual lust and the imperative that creates is a huge part of passion, as well as all the emotion of the conscious mind, but I can't decide to get an erection as I would decide to move my arm so the solutions to many sex problems for both sexes really is most often to slowly try and manipulate the subconscious, thats pretty hard to do with one post :) I think to the 65 year old your wife is young and new and perhaps the passion produces the subconscious imperative in him that makes her feel attractive. Thats my opinion based on your posts, I can't really do much more than that and hope it's useful to you. I'm sure there are forums that will discuss your problem at length too and there may even hopefully be someone here who contributes something you find in some small way effective for you. Your in a sad situation and I hope your able to find a way out of it.
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momentextase · 16-11-08 22:23:43

blindsided wrote:

Here's the thing - my marriage of 19 years - 19 freaking years - is ending. My wife tells me she's always felt 'used' because I enjoyed giving her an orgasm.

There is more to sex than orgasm, and more to relationships than sex.
I invite you to consider that the real problem probably has little to do with sex, have you considered counceling? Life is a series of lessions, unless you learn each lesson, life will make you repeat each course until you do learn each lesson. Think about the potential possibility of serial relationship failures here....

So, the question is... am I a horrible person because I enjoyed giving my wife.. soon to be ex-wife - orgasms?

Well, what do you think?

For me, my orgasm was always, ALWAYS after hers and of secondary importance... Actually, the real question is about how much I enjoyed HER orgasms vs. mine...

What is importsnt about your needs being ALWAYS of secondary importance to hers? On the face of things, you enjoy "giving" -right? How can she share the same feeling of "giving" that you get -if you cannot or will not "recieve", in kind, from her? This seems a rather imbalanced attitude, a bit self serving also.

Comments would be appreciated as I try to re-evaluate what is expected of me in future relationships, if I'm so fortunate.

Find out why this relationship failed, start there. Maybe you both grew apart. Maybe one or both of you are not getting your needs met, needs that are not all necessarily sexual. You report shes said she felt "used". That probably has nothing to do with sex or passion. Your perception seems to be that it is -but she could resort to saying that as a way of shutting down communication. Or you might be "hearing" that -as a way of avoiding dealing with other thorny problems.

What confuses people is that sexual attraction or chemistry is a huge factor at the beginning of a relationship, but is almost never the most important factor or cause when one ends or gets rocky, sexually related problems are just the symptoms of deeper problems.

So seek professional help, if only to unravel and understand your part in what happened. Failing that, read this book, or do both!!!:
http://www.amazon.com/Rebuilding-Relati … 188623017X

#1 14-11-08 23:26:33

opinions needed

#2 15-11-08 01:08:36

Re: opinions needed

#3 15-11-08 06:20:11

Re: opinions needed

#4 15-11-08 12:05:26

Re: opinions needed

#5 15-11-08 13:39:49

Re: opinions needed

#6 15-11-08 14:30:33

Re: opinions needed

#7 16-11-08 22:23:43

Re: opinions needed

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