#1 25-04-08 02:55:42

LLLickit

Member

Registered: 23-03-08

Posts: 2

Help with partner.....

First of all,I have to say 'thank you' to all those involved with this site,such beautiful visual delights & sounds! Done with such taste & style for the beauty that is the female form....
Now I know this is probably not the place for such a request & maybe not inline with the intensions of this forum,but I need some advise.
My partner & I have spent 13 wonderful years together & raised 2 great children.
One thing I have realised after all these years is that I still have such a strong & pure love for my Joanne,I will do anything for her,anything!
The problem lies in the bedroom,she likes sex,esp. oral etc which I dearly love to give to her,but it is so hard for her to come around to it.I have tried everything,romantic weekends away (some success),candle lit dinners,candle lit baths with oils,body rubs etc etc
Just seems at any mention of sex she trys her best to avoid it.....I dont think I'm that fat n ugly,enough to turn her off.She has a truely beautiful form,body,personality,smile,her hair her smell, everything about her drives me crazy,I can simply look at her & have the need to releive myself (& very often do)
I think I have a very intense sex drive & Joannes is very low.......what can I do?Finding this site,I've thought of showing her,to help her find her own sexuality,to show her the true beauty of the female body in the throws of sweet orgasam ,especially the beauty of herself,inside & out.But am worried about showing her as she frowns on most all porn.
I'm at a loss at how to help her,make her realise how beautiful she really is,to help her see & feel powerful body shaking,blindingly beautiful orgasams often,well more often than once every 1-2 mnths......
Do I have the right to change her ways? When all I want to do is make "real love" to her everynight.......
What can I do?
Mods,if this thread too much,plz delete.

blissed

Member

From: The bus station of the future

Registered: 17-03-06

Posts: 5,622

Re: Help with partner.....

I've just changed her name,  the sentence it's written in was quite emotional so I'm pretty sure it was her real one.  Anyway, sorry to hear about your problem, it's a bit of a classic and the answer I've seen so many times is for you to talk to each other so you can find out the reason. There the advice normally stops as if your an expert in counseling :) tho you could both see a counsellor which could be really useful if their good. Orgasms are centered in the right hemisphere of the brain, the side that's involved with the here and now, intuition, seeing the big picture, art and feeling part of life, so a very left brained discussion thats about self, planning  and logical reasoning is useful but has to come up with solutions that stimulate her right side and yours. I think even without a discussion you hit upon one with the weekends away. Also people in general aren't interested in something thats free and always available, they only want something they can't have :) Also  if you think your fat and ugly what would you do about that if you were single, it'd be a great way to express your love if you made yourself look the very best you can for her in the same way you would if you had to compete for her attention, and it does matter :) This is a classic problem so theres tons of advice out there even when you do this http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q= … arch&meta=

but you probly won't be needing this page :) Lol
http://www.libchrist.com/poly/howgetwife.html

So in summary, talk to each other in a way that strengthens your companionship so you know that you both share genuine love and affection without sexual self gratification, which I think from your post you do.

If you both find the problem is too right brained or subconsciuos to get a logical handle on, see if she doesn't mind seeing a good sexual therapist with you and have initial consultations with a few, as you would with any professional, and be prepared to change yourself too so you and your wife are both in tune, I get the feeling your prepared to do that anyway. Hope thats useful advice for you.

Blissed/Dr Phil :)

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(Self made tycoon and independant financial advisor to the stars)

theant

Member

Registered: 07-02-08

Posts: 96

Re: Help with partner.....

I've just changed her name, 
.

Blissed, you've only changed the name once, it appears twice.

blissed

Member

From: The bus station of the future

Registered: 17-03-06

Posts: 5,622

Re: Help with partner.....

Fixed.

Thanks theant :)

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(Self made tycoon and independant financial advisor to the stars)

kitkat

Member

Registered: 08-05-08

Posts: 15

Re: Help with partner.....

Wow.  I am stumped.  Does she realise how much and how powerfully you love her?  In my experience being desired in such a way is a powerful aphrodisiac.. but I don't have children so perhaps that is a factor?  I know women's sense of themselves as an individual (which I think is where our sexuality resides to a large degree) can be severely compromised by having children, with issues of body image and a loss of sense of self at the fore of this thinking.. so perhaps that is an underlying issue?  Perhaps tied to this is a sense of this loss which has become entrenched in her thinking towards your union, and her rejection of you sexually is a way of preserving some sense of individuality for her?  Sexual union for women, particularly if there is deep love (in my experience and from speaking to friends) seems to involve a certain sense of surrender and merging with the other person in order for true ecstatic pleasure to begin, so I think that maybe there may be a very long road in for you.  Perhaps the approach needs to be less of a romantic one and one more of a friend, and finding ways that you can support her individuality (and feeling confident in the results it brings, even if initially it may seem that it takes her further away from you) and encourage her to find her sense of self again, without an ulterior motive may just pave the way for her to find her sexual self again.  And the love attached to it in particular. 

That could be a way to begin.  I hope this hasn't disheartened you because my instinct about this is that your love is the biggest key to solving this/finding a solution.  This may be the moment when your marriage vows start to kick in and the love you have for her is put to the test, but I know that through that pathway you will be rewarded in the end by a strengthening of that love.  And a reciprocation.  Have faith, stay strong, and keep your love at the centre of whatever you do, even if it's hard, you can't go wrong.

Last edited by kitkat (23-05-08 01:46:07)

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You've gotta accept that if you want to be always learning, that you'll feel like you know almost nothing, or aren't good at anything, for most of the time. There isn't much comfort or smugness in it.

kirejos

Member

From: New York

Registered: 20-07-06

Posts: 457

Re: Help with partner.....

Hey LLLickit,

Thank you so much for sharing your problem with us.

If you both find the problem is too right brained or subconsciuos to get a logical handle on, see if she doesn't mind seeing a good sexual therapist with you

Excellent advice, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. A decreased libido can be a sign of an other underlying issue, possibly depression or anxiety. There are a whole host of issues when it comes to problems with intimacy. It shouldn't be taken too lightly, it's not normal for a healthy person to be so "turned off" so to speak. Some decent talk therapy might be all you need. A sexual therapist would at the very least be able to get this issue a little more out in the open for you, or at least make it easier for the two of you to discuss.

Social stigmas about counseling.....ruin marriages. If you love each other, and are having problems loving each other, do something about it. Just like a person with heart disease sees a cardiologist, couples with sexual problems can see a sexual therapist.

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Words tend to be inadequate -Jenny Holzer

LLLickit

Member

Registered: 23-03-08

Posts: 2

Re: Help with partner.....

Wow.  I am stumped.  Does she realise how much and how powerfully you love her?  In my experience being desired in such a way is a powerful aphrodisiac.. but I don't have children so perhaps that is a factor?  I know women's sense of themselves as an individual (which I think is where our sexuality resides to a large degree) can be severely compromised by having children, with issues of body image and a loss of sense of self at the fore of this thinking.. so perhaps that is an underlying issue?  Perhaps tied to this is a sense of this loss which has become entrenched in her thinking towards your union, and her rejection of you sexually is a way of preserving some sense of individuality for her?  Sexual union for women, particularly if there is deep love (in my experience and from speaking to friends) seems to involve a certain sense of surrender and merging with the other person in order for true ecstatic pleasure to begin, so I think that maybe there may be a very long road in for you.  Perhaps the approach needs to be less of a romantic one and one more of a friend, and finding ways that you can support her individuality (and feeling confident in the results it brings, even if initially it may seem that it takes her further away from you) and encourage her to find her sense of self again, without an ulterior motive may just pave the way for her to find her sexual self again.  And the love attached to it in particular. 

That could be a way to begin.  I hope this hasn't disheartened you because my instinct about this is that your love is the biggest key to solving this/finding a solution.  This may be the moment when your marriage vows start to kick in and the love you have for her is put to the test, but I know that through that pathway you will be rewarded in the end by a strengthening of that love.  And a reciprocation.  Have faith, stay strong, and keep your love at the centre of whatever you do, even if it's hard, you can't go wrong.

Kitkat,
I really do appreciate your reply,it does make alot of sense & has opened my eyes to other ways of helping my sweetheart......
I know I'm not the most sensitive person on the intimacy level,due to I beleive my troubled upbringing,so I need to address that.
I am willing to do anything,whatever it takes to help her,to help us! Lately, she has had a very hard time herself,due to my actions which I wont go into here,but will be put right very soon....
She deserves so much better,so much more.....being such a beautiful soul,kindhearted to others in need,a truely beautiful woman one  of those human beings that you are really lucky to be with,let alone know....
I just love her like crazy......i will do anything for her.
I guess in a nut shell,it's a case of 'short term pain for long term gain'.
Again Kitkat & the others,I thank you for your insightfulness,understanding & your reasoning. 
I just pray this does work out.

Soberman

Member

Registered: 18-10-07

Posts: 151

Re: Help with partner.....

You mention (1) I know I'm not the most sensitive person on the intimacy level, and (2) Lately, she has had a very hard time herself,due to my actions which I wont go into here,but will be put right very soon. Frankly, these sound highly contributory and you may need individual counselling before you embark on joint counselling. (2) sounds a bit ominous. You also mentioned your physical appearance may be an issue. If you love your lady as much as you assert, you need to take a long hard look at yourself, your actions, your non-sexual interaction and how you may be contributing, albeit unknowingly, to her feelings. Good luck.

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Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more.

chmchrischm

Member

Registered: 12-08-08

Posts: 68

Re: Help with partner.....

As a sexual health professional,  I am positively impressed by the quality and the level of counseling Blissed, Kirejos and Soberman gave here and I follow them entirely. This shows in another way how much different IFM is from a porn site and what bloody good job they do! Bravo IFM, you ARE GOOD, definitely!
Chris