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Hi, I want to talk about group sex. I've been fascinated recently by lurking on local swinger's forums and reading up about the potential for safe, consensual gangbangs, 3-ways, partner-swaps, spa-parties, and all of those other dainty ideas for things to do when you're bored on a sunny afternoon. Dan Savage talks about 'the unicorn' - a very special kind of lady who likes to sleep around - with couples. The idea intrigues me greatly. You can hear about my favorite 3-way experience I've had here as part of my BA Confession.
I'd like to know what people think. Have you experienced sex with more than one person? Anonymous sex? Met-her/him/them on the web sex? How many is too many?
I'm curious how men feel about rules against single men at swinger's events. I'm curious how people feel about a double standard that plagues me as a heteroflexible girl - most of my boyfriends can't stand the idea of sharing me with a man, while I'm excited by the idea of sharing him with a woman. I'm curious about stories which involve the elusive unicorn, and how a balance of sexuality works within a couple-on-outsider situation.
C'mon kids, let's get rowdy.
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I've always wanted to build up the courage to go to a swingers' club. There's the Lotus Lounge up in Sydney, for example, that makes sweeping claims about being high class (though I imagine the reality is pretty far from that) and generally, single women pay less for entry into those kinds of joints (as you say - single men are almost always barred from entry, while single women are welcomed with open arms and offered incentives). I'd be mostly curious about the whole process of going to a swingers' club - what the protocols are, what kind of people show up, what the facilities are like and what kinds of feelings and thoughts I experience when thrown into that situation. I like putting myself in those bizarre kinds of scenarios periodically (situations where most people would screech "you did what?" and blush. I think that's why I saw a sex worker once and why I became a sex worker for a while. I think it was also the main motivating force behind becoming involved in the fetish scene for a while and putting my hand up for every possible experience that that offered. Not to mention contributing here.). I think I'll add "swingers' club" to my list of shit to do before the end of the year. It will quite possibly be a huge anticlimax, but I'm sure it's going to make for a good drinking story to share later on.
I've had threesomes before and once was involved in a foursome that rapidly deteriorated into an emotional suck-hole. In all situations, I was a single lady. The fetish scene used to offer opportunities to be sexual around other people and going to private fetish parties were interesting experiences, because there was often a crowd of fifty or sixty people, with many of them being active participants in one way or another. With that said, actually fucking at those events is generally frowned upon. You could have someone being anally fisted and a girl being forced to orgasm by a crowd of people, you could even go as far as to perform oral sex on other people, but for some reason, as soon as you're inserting a cock into another part of the body, people start to get a little antsy. I've always found that interesting, as well as just the energy and dynamics of seeing a large group of people share in a sexual experience.
For a while, I used to hook up with couples in the fetish scene - often just for sex, rather than any D/s play or anything overtly kinky. I usually organised all of it over the internet and would sometimes meet with people in a casual way before fucking or just jump straight in to them buying me dinner and taking me home. It never felt particularly good, though. I didn't get the feeling that I was really connecting with the couple on any level and ultimately, the couple's fantasies would take precedence over my own. Once or twice, there was the feeling that the couple was not strong enough to support an outsider sharing their bed and there was an undercurrent of jealousy. The threesomes that have happened more naturally (like hooking up at parties or getting drunk with friends) have left me feeling a lot better. I'm not the most spontaneous person, but I think threesomes are one of those situations where it's probably better for me to have little opportunity to over-think things.
You can find my smut under: Ceto.
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Marieke Hardy has written what I imagine (having never been to one myself) is a pretty sharp piece on her experience at a swingers party in her new book. She describes a pretty shallow awkward affair in the midst of boring middle class decor which is overall more absurd than erotic. As someone fascinated with the absurd this does not deter me at all but I'm yet to find anyone willing (lots talk the talk but...) and I'm just not cool enough to do it by myself!
One thing that does put me off is the dress code (making small talk in your underwear is not my idea of sexy) and you know that guy who pretends to be all interested in sexual experimentation and what not but really is just a bit of a sleaze.
From what I can tell (again having never been to one myself) fetish parties seem actually way hotter (and what you've described Ceto confirms this) to me than swingers parties.
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I agree I think being brought to orgasm with a whole load of admiring eyes watching would be amazing. or whipped or tied up. Not sure about being suspended from hooks, I think I'll leave that to other people who love doing it. And administering someones chosen torment that you've just met exactly the way they like as you start to connect in a space that usually contains just conversation, would be really interesting and satisfying if it goes well, and satisfying and pleasurable if it's done to me, especially by an older woman or 2. Kink is far safer than skin to skin contact which for cautious me starts in a friendship space and pulls out feelings of affection and love without me really being able to control that. and from the same uncontrollable place on my male side comes strong feelings of ownership and destiny and the mother of my children inconveniently sitting right next to my love and affection there. That's only 10% of my libido the other 90% is gynosexual female simply because my emotions are happier there even though it sits at times a little incongruously with my physical appearance, not as camp but giving the appearance of a week man who cries when someone amazing with an amazing story is discovered on X factor Quite funny but has put me in real physical danger at times when I've felt miserable and unconfident and that weakness is sensed. But anyway the 90% emotional ID doesn't care about ownership, just missing someone terribly when they're gone and I've been love sick. So the 10% would hate a MMF 3some and the 90% would love the opportunity to give that much pleasure but may be a little nervous if there was a possibility of losing the special love of a live in lover. So I think group sex is very much like getting a band together, the chemistry has to be right and we appreciate the need for, and carefully seek, that chemistry when 2 people get together. And I suppose it's obviously required when any group get together to do anything. The atmosphere and chemistry at parties is set by the compare and events/games and if you've ever been to a barn dance you'll know what I mean. I took the piss for 2 secs and then loved it as the dances produce unlikely pairings and fairly silly frolicking I'm sure a kink party could be safe while feeling dangerous and exciting and so could be just as enjoyable.
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Last edited by blissed (19-10-11 13:36:51)
(Self made tycoon and independant financial advisor to the stars)
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DomC, I love the concept of a sexual fetish party where actual penis-in-vagina is not the mode de rigueur, mostly because denial turns me on and there's nothing like being aroused long term to help a space like that become sexualised irrevocably.
That said, the whole daggy absurd swingers party.. gosh.. I dont know. I was getting all turned on imagining it in my head - even as Bobby says the daggy and absurd, something in me likes that... something about poingency, sweetness, a little humiliation - you know sex is such an emotionally charged experience, and sometimes I just want to invoke all the emotions I can.
I was reading forums and reviews of swinger's clubs, and then I saw the profile pics of the people active in the community and I was really turned off. I know it's not nice to judge by appearances but when it comes to sexuality I surely do - not appearances exactly but there's a certain communication that emanates even from photos, the quality of the photos, the poses chosen, the expression captured, and I just don't want to have sex with big grownup married bogan folk who post grainy pics of their dicks and tits. I reckon that's a world of sexuality in which I would be prey - and not the kind of prey I enjoy being.
I was at a sex party where this awful woman was desperate for me to have sex with her boyfriend. I did. I know know. He liked having his nipples abused. There were drugs involved so it was all confused and naturally I felt bad - real bad after. In the beginning the night was sexy, it was in LA and there were rich people and porn on the flatscreen - I was young and I felt special - but that certainly wasn't the empowering hot experience I imagine having one day.
Maybe I'm dreaming of a sex party where there's no discrimination based on appearance or gender, but rather on intelligence - everyone has to write a paper, and discuss their main points, in front of a small panel (mostly me, and Bobby if she'll come). Then there's a little test which cleverly separates the sex-positive explorers from the desperate folk who think this could just be an easy way to get laid. Also they should be able to quote pi up to 7 digits at least, and rearrange a grid of colored blocks until they are pleasing to Bobby's eye.
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Try as I might, I can never stomach Marieke Hardy. I find her vermicious. Her fey, indie-girl bullshit and smug, self-satisfied smirking with overtones of intellectual superiority make me belligerent - possibly because a lot of it is just a little too close to the bone. If I ever see her in the street, I'm probably going to run over and kick her in the shins. Years and years ago, before she struck big and when she could still legitimately claim to be counted as a "youth", I went to a young writers' event she organised where she read out her teen angst. Honestly: it was a teen-angst reading event (marketed as such: "Young Writer, Marieke Hardy, reads her teen angst. Open mic teen angst reading!") organised for twenty-something-year-olds. I think the hatred's brewed from there ever since.
Ok. I think I've gotten it out of my system for the time being and moving right along...
I think part of the appeal of a swingers club, at least for me, is the likelihood of being surrounded by people who repeatedly tell themselves that swinging is a lifestyle choice - people who have a constant internal dialogue of "I am really living on the edge. I am really living the dream. I am young. I am attractive. I can do this. Yeah!" (Cue Patrick Bateman-eque 80s young executive montage) In my mind, that borders on obsession: the desire to cling to something that is not in fact reality, and I also think that it reeks of desperation. I picture couples whose relationships are falling apart, but who, all the same, hold on to this idea that fucking "strangers" at a "club" makes them unique, special, exotic and dangerous. I imagine them going back to their bullshit office jobs on Monday and having domestic arguments by Wednesday, only to repeat the whole lacklustre affair the next weekend to inject another dose of life into an otherwise dead relationship. This kind of imagining is also precisely the reason why I should probably not go to a swingers' club - because I'll just be the sadsack who manages to kill the mood by hypothesising that the people involved are holding on to this one activity because it makes their lives "interesting", when in reality, it's just all artifice and hope.
As far as the fetish scene goes - it's much the same, really. The same types of people who are into swinging tend to gravitate towards fetish parties as a safe way of making their lives a little more exotic. And there's nothing wrong with that, until it becomes the sole marketable aspect of your identity. I live in a public servant town and most of the local fetish scene is comprised of people who work fairly mundane, public servant jobs. Going to their once a month fetish parties on one of the properties just outside of town gives them something to slyly make reference to every once in a while: mild mannered public servant by day - deviant dominant by night.
The fetish scene does seem a little more accepting than the swinging scene (whenever I've looked into swingers' events, the organisers request photos and details so they can veto your invitation based on how you look - I think that's common practice - and who decides what the fuck is attractive and unattractive and why, then, are all the documentaries I've seen about swingers focusing on plump, happy but not traditionally attractive middle-aged folk?) and there have definitely been fetish events I've attended that have been massive turn-ons, but as soon as I get to know the people involved on a deeper level than just an instant, physical attraction, I've been turned off - and I need that intellectual attraction to really make it work past a once-off event. I second the vote to host sex parties where participants are screened on more than just their looks, but my knowledge of pi and visual literacy are sketchy, to say the least - I wrote a sub-thesis on turn of the century British imperial fiction and gentlemanliness as a cultural export... Is that enough? Also: I am clearly pretty fucking adept at being a sourpuss - surely that wins over all the ladies, right? Right...?
And Viva, I completely agree with you when it comes to judging people in terms of sexual attraction via the way they have modelled themselves in photos. It's not about their looks at all - it's about the way they have chosen to portray themselves to others. When you're taking a self-portrait, you have a huge amount of control over the way you are portrayed (ISM, anyone?) and you are, essentially, creating an advertisement for others. The amount of times I've found myself attracted to people on I Shot Myself based on the way they have portrayed themselves and shared themselves - that is, not just solely on looks - is more than I can count on my fingers and toes, and part of what makes that project so fascinating. I think you should add that to the sex party criteria a folio of self-portraits that are designed to not necessarily show off physical features, but to relay a sense of personality to the viewer.
You can find my smut under: Ceto.
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Hmmmmm? I'm probably in a minority here but I prefer one-on-one.
Quite by chance and very unexpectedly, I had an encounter with two gals, one of whom I was dating at the time.
There's much more involved in the story and the whole thing is kind of sordid but bottom line for me was the novelty wore off within a short time.
The, "guest" was wasted to the max and I don't use drugs and drink only in moderation and not at all when I have an sex with a woman.
To each their own, right? I neither condemn nor condone anyone's choices in life if they don't effect me. Not my job. I just feel that too much of a good doesn't always work.
I have to know a person and I think they need to know me to get the most out of a relationship, short or long term.
And that leads to the question of where and how, if at all does love (Can I use that word?) fit in?
It's evident that I move in a different world from many people and that's how it is. I just like to leave room for emotional growth and I'd find that difficult with a group.
As far as fetish sex? Whatever. A lot of the concept misses me. Perhaps I lack sophistication. Or imagination. Perhaps I'm lazy. One the other hand, belonging to this site is in itself a fetish, is it not? If I were involved with someone at the present, I wouldn't to visit this site with me. That's kind of odd, isn't it? But sharing would kind of detract form the unique charm IFM offers.
More opinion. Worth what?
Opinion, nothing more.
"Chacun prépare sa propre mort."
French saying.
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The Bodysex group seems pretty good, there seems to be an amazing connection between everyone involved. The filmed one in September was all women but they have been multigendered in the past. http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/carlin-r … hese-women
A masterbation circle with any selfish preditory headspace not only locked out but a million miles away leaving a mutual sexual and emotional admiration seems amazing.
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(Self made tycoon and independant financial advisor to the stars)
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A masterbation circle with any selfish preditory headspace not only locked out but a million miles away leaving a mutual sexual and emotional admiration seems amazing.
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Not only amazing but pretty difficult to achieve, I would guess.
I was thinking about this topic while I was having my walk at the park and it's kind of a case of forest vs trees thing. Can you see one without seeing the other? Or do you have to choose?
And each individual has their life shaped in ways others may not comprehend.
The concept of group sex is either very simple or very complex and I view it as very, very complex. Too many chainsaws in the air at one time.
Ethically, very interesting. Regardless, it's always thought provoking to read the responses on any topic on this site.
"Chacun prépare sa propre mort."
French saying.
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WLV612 I think the success of the bodysex group bears out what you were saying about getting to know people, because all those people got to know each other online over several years with a strong common purpose and a pretty deep bond and so there was all that love and the excitement of an internet meet up too.
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(Self made tycoon and independant financial advisor to the stars)
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WLV612 - I suspect you are not actually in the minority at all. There's a completely different dynamic when you're having sex with one person versus multiple and I'm guessing most people will agree that the emotional involvement and intensity of a one on one experience is often far greater than group sex. To add to that, I also suspect that if we did a quick poll here on the boards, the majority would admit the most intense sexual experience they ever had was shared with just one other. I know that to be the case for myself and the greatest, most earth shattering and emotionally involved sex I've ever had was technically very tame, "unimaginative" and "unsophisticated" sex (to use your terms) with someone I actually loved and not just someone I was half-heartedly attracted to at a party. Talking about fetish scenes have nothing to do with imagination or sophistication - it actually has a lot more to do with general life boredom and frustration. I know that the times I've engaged with it have been periods where I've felt the need to fill my life with noise and distractions - essentially the same reasons I listed for other people getting involved in my post above.
Last edited by domC (21-10-11 01:21:23)
You can find my smut under: Ceto.
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WLV - You don't have to detract from your own opinion. That's all any of us have to offer and in this context it is truly valuable. Especially as you've come forth with a unique viewpoint which spurs the conversation forward. Rock on, man.
Your experience with a 3-way is typical of many of this kind of experience, that is, fueled by alcohol or drugs and confusion. Obviously this is not ideal, as you say, for any kind of sexual interaction - there are simply too many variables, and too many deep emotions that can be trivialized which leads to that morning-after "dirty" feeling. I think that the act of sex is in itself an act of love, and when you pursue that act and give that love in a context which is uncomfortable or somehow sordid, there are serious emotional consequences.
I expect that this is one of the reasons for sex being taboo at a fetish party. Arousal and masturbatory acts are things that we can share with many at once, but intercourse we can only actually do with one person at a time - unless of course you're a wild child for whom DP is a regular form of intercourse. I'm not even really sure that DP counts as "vaginal intercourse" for me, it is more akin to using dicks as dildos and getting fucked with 2 of 'em. But anyway. Sex is love and it's entirely possible that like eye-contact, we can only actively love 1 person at a time. Though I believe in the capacity to look back and forth between one or more people without losing any depth of sincerity.
Certainly these thoughts I've been having are a symptom of general sexual dissatisfaction which may be represented as their extremes - for example, if I am motivated towards certain styles of sexual interaction and I am not getting them at home, my brain may wander towards extreme forms of fantasy such as these gangbangs and anonymous sex etc.
I think the internet has made it more possible than ever before to fulfill more and more intense fantasies which directly makes us question what it is exactly that we want. Maybe fantasies are meant to be just that - penis and vagina dreams that fuel the imagination, and stay there. Or maybe that's a disabling concept - much like the wistful 9-to-5er who dreams of opening a popsicle stand on the Great Wall in China but tells himself that there's a difference between dreams and reality... and dies without ever selling a popsicle. I don't know.
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The level of discussion here, regardless of one's point of view is so refreshing, so free wheeling but has this underlying tone of deep thought and informed perspective.
Love. I can truly say I've only been honestly, completely and unforgettably in love twice in my life and not a day goes by that the two gals don't come to mind and every day, I wish them the best of life, or hope they lived the life they wanted to live. Of course there's this bit of selfishness that hopes they think of me now and again but that's hardly likely.
Drugs and drink and a very awkward situation made my three way something I'd much rather forget ever happened. It took place in 2003, the weekend before the US started the war with Iraq.
When I was a much younger man, I was into drugs in a major way and spent three days in a semi-coma in a Naval hospital. I pulled through and put myself through a rigorous self examination and rebuilt my life. I lost a lot of friends overnight and since that time have avoided crowds, parties and anything that threatened to disrupt my way of life. Not always successfully and that foray into multiple partner sex turned sour when the "guest" got so wired that it was just too much. Tip of the iceberg but never again.
I'd be hard pressed to label my being on this site a fetish, per se but I guess that's a line I draw myself.
It's more an extension of my appreciation of the art of film and the female form. Each model brings something unique to her work and some are just very personable and fun and others movie star stunning and I love the different scenarios and the film work.
Lest I come off as a snob, the sex is pretty great as well.
And I've mentioned this before but the interaction is refreshingly honest.
What defines a crowd? I suppose myself and all the models on this site is a sizable crowd. That's my limit.
My posts may be a bit of ramble and I tend to drift off here and there but I can usually count on some of you other members to deliver some major replies.
I wish I had the gift of expression many of you possess but at least I can marvel at your posts.
'tis bed time and the dogs need to pee. So do I. Night all.
"Chacun prépare sa propre mort."
French saying.
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I think you express yourself really well. On any forum the presence of the people are as important as what they're saying and the people are always a lot more important than the topic.
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(Self made tycoon and independant financial advisor to the stars)
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I think you express yourself really well. On any forum the presence of the people are as important as what they're saying and the people are always a lot more important than the topic.
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You're too kind but your second sentence is spot on! I read a lot of what I consider to be, "Coffee House" cross talk. The kind I would be involved in when I was in collage, for the short time I was there.
I don't simply read and post and off I go to something other business. I find something in each and every post I read and string the different perspectives together and see if I can add to or at least comprehend the ideas.
Much the same involved in watching a vid. I try to get something past instant gratification out each one. It's an in depth, layered entity that requires looking through each layer, unlike the standard adult material. Add to that the fact that you can read input by a model and gain insight into who they are only adds to the appeal of the site.
There's other factors in the threads I'll follow and why and in the age of tons of free adult content sites, why I find this site not only appealing but non-threatening, that keeps me interested in being a member.
Anyway, my second cup of coffee is getting cold and my day awaits. Enjoy your day, all.
DFW
Last edited by WLV612 (21-10-11 13:37:36)
"Chacun prépare sa propre mort."
French saying.
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Nine years later...
I found threesomes (MFF) didn't really work for me, that the negatives outweighed the positives.
Obviously it's great to have all those extra bits and pieces around to stroke and fondle, but, almost certainly, the man is going to find he fancies one of the women more than the other.
So what's the etiquette here? Do you just grit your teeth and soldier on and distribute your attention equally to both? Well, I supppose you do, and politeness requires that one of the three doesn't get left out. But it will probably become clear.
I enjoyed doing things with both of them, and the other being there watching (and also watching while they did things together).
But I felt embarrassed that my preference might show.
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I'm not sure everyone would obviously experience a strong preference in the moment. I know men whose sexuality is a bit more plural than that.
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I've had threesomes in different configurations, in which different people have different sexual orientations & levels of attraction to one another. You roll with it by & large.
I will say though, if you're in a sexual scenario where you have to 'grit your teeth' then you need to wrap it up, it's unfair to everyone (including yourself) if you feel you have to soldier on...
Last edited by _hyperballad_ (18-05-20 02:52:23)
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I loved the two MFF threesomes ive had. For me it was just allowing myself to be taken in whatever direction desire wanted me to flow in.
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I've had threesomes in different configurations, in which different people have different sexual orientations & levels of attraction to one another. You roll with it by & large.
I will say though, if you're in a sexual scenario where you have to 'grit your teeth' then you need to wrap it up, it's unfair to everyone (including yourself) if you feel you have to soldier on...
Well, yes, 'gritting my teeth' is exaggerating. My point was, I suppose, that I found I valued intimacy over all the other pleasures, and the intimacy was diluted by the other person in the room.
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Very much sounds like the way you experience intimacy does not lend itself to group sex Leo. Which is totally fine.
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The Bodysex group seems pretty good, there seems to be an amazing connection between everyone involved. The filmed one in September was all women but they have been multigendered in the past. http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/carlin-r … hese-women
A masterbation circle with any selfish preditory headspace not only locked out but a million miles away leaving a mutual sexual and emotional admiration seems amazing.
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Incidentally I'm training to be a BodySex facilitator with Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross.
I've also done this workshop purely as an attendee, can confirm this is an incredible medium for sharing a sexual conduit in group. Although when it is all women it is more sisterhood than orgy. Although the all-women play parties in the evenings at the BodySex retreat were something else entirely.
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This is a good topic! It brings up a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings.
I don't think anything larger than a threesome would be right for me because I get overstimulated easily by noise and light and smells and people in motion, and because I have trouble ejaculating if I do not feel safe. And the whole idea of mixing up friend-relationships and sex-relationships with a big group of people feels so confusing in my heart. Like I said, I am not sure if I have ever had an orgasm, ejaculating usually does not bring all those other fun things that people who really like partner-sex talk about. I think that for me the height of sensual joys would be finding a partner I felt safe with and exploring.
Threads like this, or Greta Christina's old blog, are so interesting because people who have such different experiences are talking about their lives and their yums. Reading things like this for 15 years has made me a lot more open-minded, but it has not made a big difference in my face-to-face love life (I started flirting and trading selfies in the past few years!)
I feel incompetent.
Res est arduissima vincere naturam,
in aspectu virginis mentem esse puram
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My fantasy definitely is around having group sex with this IFM community. I just love how sexually open and liberated all the models here are. I'm in Sydney and im wondering if you put something in the water down there in Melbourne...
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Hi priv, it makes me feel sad in *my* heart to hear you say you feel incompetent! No one is incompetent at sex and sexuality. everyone is on their own journeys.
I can relate a lot to your feelings about sex. The truth is that the vast majority of the sex I've had was very good for my mind, but not as great for my body. It's confusing cause my mind likes intensity and heightened sensations, but my body is actually very sensitive, and my heart even more so. The two threesomes I've had - one mmf, one mff - I was intoxicated for both... one alcohol, one mdma, and they were awesome in different ways, but I definitely wasn't going to orgasm in those situations!
Now... we fantasise a bit about including another girl in our play, but I'm not sure exactly where she would fit in. Except if she was a giver like me... I could definitely make use of an extra girl in my quest to blow my boyfriend's mind. But then, I can also see me enjoying another ... anyone, really... playing and touching and warming me up and helping me get to orgasm too.
And then I'd be more than happy to return the favour to her, and also stimulate my boyfriend by engaging with our third... though it would be more for him than for me I think, unless there's things I still don't know about myself.
So that's how it would make sense to me in a MFF - it wouldn't matter to me that he was my primary attraction, because I would be happy to... expand our love, make someone else happy, and enjoy the attention of a second person...
A MMF would be a little different. I might be attracted to the men different amounts. But if we were all feeling happy and good vibes, that wouldn't matter to me. I'd make sure I just wouldn't be rushed.
I think in a threesome it's good if everyone is at the point in their sexual journey where they either feel good and okay about not having orgasms, and know what they like to have instead, or good and okay about having orgasms, how they like to have them, what they wants, and good about saying what and how they want it.
Good communication and self-knowledge for each of the participants, I think, makes for an excellent group experience.
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