desire

JAMMYMAN · 10-10-19 13:10:12

viva wrote:

It sounds like you and your partner have a really happy flow where she can engage with you sexually even when her libido's not high, which is so nice! I kind of love when my partner needs me like that, even if I'm not in the mood. It makes me feel... helpful and wanted and needed. Did you feel like that when your wife was pregnant and super horny all the time?

Well Viva, there was an element of that, but it wasn't exactly the same. What you describe is closer to what my wife feels when she's in those days when her own libido is about zero. She gets personal, though not sexual, satisfaction from meeting my needs. We have an unspoken understanding about these things. I don't pressure her into 'joining in' and getting turned on herself. If she wanted to, she would say so. She gets real, unpressured satisfaction from helping me, feeling 'helpful, wanted and needed' and I get that.

The difference when I was meeting her needs when she was pregnant and super-horny was that I did respond to those moments by becoming aroused myself. So, as I say, there was an element of what you say, in that I felt 'helpful, wanted and needed', but there was for me an additional element of sexual satisfaction.

In 'normal' circumstances, when pregnancy and periods are not involved, similar differences can exist. Here is an example of the differences that can be seen between male and female desire. Quite often my wife will be aware that I am getting turned on, say mid morning. She will sometimes then say, "I don't want to do anything, but I'd like to help you." She probably wants to save herself for a really good session later, when we are in bed. 'I don't want to do anything' means she doesn't want to become aroused herself. So she is perfectly happy for me to wank, with her help, as well as enjoying the later sex. I can't do that though. If she encounters sexy thoughts (I sometimes wake and become aware that she is daydreaming and gently wanking in the middle of the night, or I become aware that she is encountering sexual thoughts while reading a book, or remembering a previous sexual encounter, or she is remembering watching video diaries on IFM (yours and Catherine's and Mew's are particular favourites)) and I become aware of her arousal, I can't help becoming aroused too. I don't think I've ever said the equivalent of 'I don't want to do anything'.

I love these conversations, and 'male and female desire' is such a fertile ground for them. I love the insights that you offer into your own sexual desires and experiences and feelings. I hope that I am 'offering' something, as well as 'taking'.

Last edited by JAMMYMAN (10-10-19 13:18:25)

privignus · 10-10-19 22:00:02

I agree that its a problem that so many people are never taught how to have fun, emotionally safe, consensual sex just to avoid getting pregnant/impregnating their partner!

viva wrote:

Priv, I don't want to take away from your lived, individual experience at all, or your anecdotal knowledge from your friends. I care about messaging and education for men and boys about sex, so thanks for your input here.
I get that there's a difference between "eating out" and a "feast" but in your metaphor, so many women are just plain going hungry. How many pre-orgasmic men are there in the world, compared to pre-orgasmic women?

viva, I don't know! To start we would have to find a definition of "orgasm." Then once we agreed on it I could tell you whether I have had them and how often. A lot of guys seem to take it for granted that orgasm means spurting jizz, but that is not what people who have really good sex describe.

My body and brain are different from most people's bodies and brains in some ways that I am not sure I want to talk about on the Internet.

I thought that the thinking on troubles with female orgasm is that they are related to differences in gross anatomy, not all the subtle differences in glands and brain structure that might lie behind psychological differences.

_hyperballad_ · 14-10-19 02:54:07

Jammyman! I relate to your comment above so much. There is a similar flow of arousal & communication surrounding that arousal in my relationship except that Magnus does on occasion say 'I don't want to do anything but I do just want to help you' & then out of those times it's about 50/50 on whether he wants to 'do something' after he's helped me get off. Which is how we discovered the immense satisfaction we both get from intercourse after I've had a clit/g-spot combo orgasm.

It's amazing what you can uncover when you're super honest & upfront (& in tune) with your needs & desires! Yay!

JAMMYMAN · 14-10-19 11:55:54

_hyperballad_ wrote:

Which is how we discovered the immense satisfaction we both get from intercourse after I've had a clit/g-spot combo orgasm.

Thanks for your response to what I wrote, Hyperballad. I can respond so clearly to the above comment. We too, frequently have intercourse after Pat has had her orgasm. I have just revisited some of your video contributions, and immediately recognised what was happening in "Devotion 1" where Magnus has his finger(s) inside you while you stimulate your clit with your own fingers. And even closer was the similar action in "embody 1", where he does the same thing while you use a vibrating toy to stimulate yourself - identical to what we sometimes do! Intercourse after that is deeply satisfying to both of us.

Viva was looking in this thread for similarities/differences between male and female desire, and here is an example. My wife in this instance has deep satisfaction from getting her orgasm in the middle of the proceedings, whereas I get deep satisfaction throughout, but get my orgasm at the end.

You are quite right in saying that you can uncover some wonderful things from being open and in tune with your needs and desires.

I'm going to revisit your video diaries now, because I love to listen to your commentaries, and I'm sure there will be more to say!

viva · 14-10-19 23:51:37

Oh my gosh, that's so true! I generally have my orgasms in the middle of our lovemaking, and like you, my partner waits until the end - like he will check with me that I'm ready for him to come, and that means that I'm ready for sex to be over (at least for a little while).

This is in line with the book "She Comes First"... It's supposed to be really good. I've been curious to read it. Has anyone else read it?

I relate to the other dynamic you describe as well Jammy. I can often just go down on him or use my hands until he comes, and then that's just fine the way it is without me "doing anything", whereas if he gives me orgasms, he will definitely always want to have sex once I'm satisfied and we only won't if I am too tuckered out

However if I'm not so aroused and he is and we have sex, it's about 50/50 whether I will need to come/ "do something", because sex really gets me going. I'm oddly resistant to us attending to my orgasm... I wish I was more demanding! I have to really need it to go for it, or even let him go for it.

viva · 15-10-19 00:07:15

Oooh looks like there's a followup book called "He Comes Next" which is all about male orgasm and sexuality... putting that on my christmas wish list <3

_hyperballad_ · 15-10-19 23:57:39

Magnus & I shot content for Lustery this year & we both agreed that we wanted to show this element of our 'regular sex life' in the stuff we filmed. In terms of ethical or 'real' pornography there isn't a lot out there that demonstrates the way women who don't just orgasm from penetrative sex get off in amongst the PIV. Sometimes I orgasm 2, 3 or even 4 times in a session. Magnus usually comes once, but I have a very strong (personal) aversion to the notion that the man's orgasm is 'the end' & seeing my partner orgasm often times makes me super turned on all over again.

Once upon a time I was a baby Hyperballad, furtively jerking off under the covers after my boyfriend got his & went to the bathroom to clean up.

I particularly enjoy Magnus cumming & then turning his attentions back towards me & helping me come in the afterglow. On occasion I do really love taking up that space in his refractory period. He cums & the focus immediately shifts to me & I become the centre of our sexy universe & it's just the best.

It's taken me a long time to feel really comfortable centering my pleasure & orgasms, taking up space, asking for things & not only that accepting the times where whoever I'm with JUST wants me to feel good.

Perhaps that there is one major difference I've noticed between men & women & desire - men are socialised to accept & pursue their sexual urges but women & girls are pushed into the role of pleasing... It isn't explained or taught to us that we'll have a libido & how to navigate that satisfyingly.

^this stuff is why I cannot wait to run my first Vulva Massage workshop! Accepting pleasure for pleasures sake from your partner is hugely beneficial. It's also really fkn nice!

privignus · 16-10-19 22:15:27

viva wrote:

Oh my gosh, that's so true! I generally have my orgasms in the middle of our lovemaking, and like you, my partner waits until the end - like he will check with me that I'm ready for him to come, and that means that I'm ready for sex to be over (at least for a little while).
This is in line with the book "She Comes First"... It's supposed to be really good. I've been curious to read it. Has anyone else read it?

I have been working through it but it is a bit 'bloggy' (lots of short chapters) with random quotes from Napoleon. And its not so often that someone asks me to kiss them on the other lips

Isn't a lot of that Tantric stuff about delaying ejaculation in the male?

Justin Lehmiller is not sure that the refractory period is as simple as Masters and Johnson make it sound.

#26 10-10-19 13:10:12

Re: desire

#27 10-10-19 22:00:02

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#28 14-10-19 02:54:07

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#29 14-10-19 11:55:54

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#30 14-10-19 23:51:37

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#31 15-10-19 00:07:15

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#32 15-10-19 23:57:39

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#33 16-10-19 22:15:27

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