For All The World To See

Vinum · 25-08-17 22:34:41

Questions for the straight women who contribute to this sight from a straight man.

-Does having videos of yourself masturbating on the internet effect your relationships with the men you are intimate with in any way?

-At what point, if any, do you tell a man you are intimate with?

-Has telling a man you are in an intimate relationship with caused problems? Or caused him to break up with you?

-If you are engaged to be married do you believe he has a right to know ?

-If you are already married do you think he has a right to know?

-Do you you feel these questions are coming from a position of patriarchal entitlement and/or privilege?

viva · 25-08-17 22:52:37

Hi Vinum! I hope you get more replies than just mine, cause I know this forum hears from me a lot

but I'm happy to contribute what I can

-Does having videos of yourself masturbating on the internet effect your relationships with the men you are intimate with in any way?

I have been making sexy art in some form pretty much since I awakened sexually; writing, chatting, and eventually webcams and pictures from a (likely) problematically tender age, so I have never known a relationship wherein I wasn't myself with dirty picture and whatnot floating about. I remember when I wanted to do ISM and BA at first, it was challenging for my partner at the time. I was very insistant and vocal about my right to do what I wanted with my body. In retrospect< I could have been more kind and respectful of his concerns and feelings, but in the end, he did BA too, and even appeared on "gentleman handling", the male-focused IFM. he loved watching my IFM videos.

I've never been shy or very private about my work, so my current partner knew about IFM before we got intimate. I made him personal diary style videos. He loves watching videos of me masturbating and doesn't seem to feel complicated about other men seeing them. He respects that sexuality, intimacy, and vulnerability are a huge part of my art and creativity, and supports my drive to produce and share my work.

-At what point, if any, do you tell a man you are intimate with?

If I had a new partner, I think it would come up naturally a few dates in, once we started to talk about feminism.

-Has telling a man you are in an intimate relationship with caused problems? Or caused him to break up with you?

This has never happened to me nor can I see anyone being interested in me who would have a problem with it.

-If you are engaged to be married do you believe he has a right to know ?

"right to know" is a weighed way to put it, so I don't know about an objective "right"... but I do believe that a healthy intimacy would celebrate and respect and have space for all aspects of both (or more) partners. I don't think I would want to be in a relationship where I felt like part of me needed to stay hidden or private, and if my partner was sharing intimate, vulnerable art with the public, I would feel sad and sort of left out, like, not trusted, if they felt like they couldn't share that with me.

-If you are already married do you think he has a right to know?

See above

-Do you you feel these questions are coming from a position of patriarchal entitlement and/or privilege?

complicated question! in a way, all of this work we do here plays into and is a function of the patriarchy, every interaction between women and men, men and men, women and women, trans folk and others, etc etc, invokes and is a part of a complex interplay of oppression and privilege. and it becomes more real and present the deeper we go - deeper into relationship, partnership, emotional interchange, and as we do here, into sexuality. So, short answer, yes.

but really, I don't know how to answer this question in a satisfying way. That's the best I can do with the broadness of what you've asked, cause I don't really know what you're getting at. if you want to rephrase the question, perhaps I could give a more satisfying answer.

Last edited by viva (25-08-17 22:56:26)

Vinum · 26-08-17 00:14:23

Thanks for taking the time to reply Viva.

I was curious about the perspective straight female contributor's of this forum have about straight male sexuality, jealousy, and possessiveness etc. I have always been fascinated by the concept of the innate versus the socially learned. This fascination covers a broad gamut of subjects. But as it relates to this forum I am curious about how it applies to jealousy and possessiveness.

My perspective is admittedly hypocritical. If I were married it would bother me a great deal to know that any man in the world could with a few key strokes watch my wife masturbate whenever he wanted as many times as he wanted in relative perpetuity. Yet here I am, enjoying the sight. Of course the fact that I'm having this conversation with you specifically http://forum.ifeelmyself.com/forum/view … p?id=20517 adds another dimension of hypocrisy I suppose. But the question I have is this; is my aversion to the idea of other men being able to enjoy my wife at will socially learned or innate? Of course it would be much more emotionally convenient for me to believe that it is innate because that would require no introspection or self reflection of any kind on my part.

For what it's worth I was raised in a very progressive environment, where there was no guilt or shame factored into our sexual (or spritual) development and sexual emancipation was the default benchmark.

Anyway, I'm not here to judge anyone else. I was just curious to hear other people's perspectives.

viva · 26-08-17 19:54:59

Vinum wrote:

But the question I have is this; is my aversion to the idea of other men being able to enjoy my wife at will socially learned or innate? Of course it would be much more emotionally convenient for me to believe that it is innate because that would require no introspection or self reflection of any kind on my part. .

I think this is a really witty and thoughtful thing to say

But I would go a bit further and suggest that even "innate" tendencies can and should be shifted if they're causing mental or emotional discomfort, generally by means of self-reflection, and that for me, when bumpy things like this come up - like loving to watch a woman on IFM, loving her, but feeling like you couldn't be in relationship with her or someone like her because of the fact that she does IFM - that's like an awesome opportunity to interrogate and ultimately change any underlying beliefs which might be holding you back from ever more open and fulfilling relationships <3

i think that without question, my love for men and male sexuality, and contributing to IFM, just makes me such a better lover and partner! I am really loyal and devoted, and IFM gives me an outlet for connection that otherwise might be repressed and cause problems for me in relationships

Vinum · 27-08-17 19:01:17

Hi Viva, thanks for yet again taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. If I understand Zen Buddhism correctly its ultimate aim is achieve a perspective that maintains and nurtures peace of mind. I believe that was the intent of your response and for that I am grateful to you.

At the risk of dragging this thread into the realm of the tedious I have to disagree with your statement "that even "innate" tendencies can and should be shifted if they're causing mental or emotional discomfort." Scientifically speaking if something that is innate is causing mental or emotional discomfort it's because something harmful in the environment is triggering it. That's the function of the innate, to protect us from things that are dangerous. That's why the very first thing cults do is convince someone that their innate human nature is actually a socially learned psychosis that is the thing that's holding them back. I would regret it if you got the impression that I was accusing you of this. I know you were just generously taking time out of your day to try to make me feel better.

I suppose a buddhist would remind me that your contributions to IFM bring joy into my life and I should focus on that and not spend so much energy worrying about the rest.

aven frey · 28-08-17 01:31:15

Vinum wrote:

At the risk of dragging this thread into the realm of the tedious I have to disagree with your statement "that even "innate" tendencies can and should be shifted if they're causing mental or emotional discomfort." Scientifically speaking if something that is innate is causing mental or emotional discomfort it's because something harmful in the environment is triggering it. That's the function of the innate, to protect us from things that are dangerous. That's why the very first thing cults do is convince someone that their innate human nature is actually a socially learned psychosis that is the thing that's holding them back. I would regret it if you got the impression that I was accusing you of this. I know you were just generously taking time out of your day to try to make me feel better.

And I have to disagree with you on this statement! I think we have a multitude of innate legacy 'discomforts' that are no longer relevant because society has evolved faster than our brains. Take for example the possessiveness you feel towards your wife's body. If this is indeed innate it'd be because it's helpful in making sure your seed triumphs over all the other seeds out there! Woo, go seeds! This is pretty irrational by modern standards, especially since no one can impregnate your wife by watching her on an Ipad! It's especially important to do the work of deconstructing these 'innate' feelings when they are causing the subjugation of others which is exactly how the desire of men to control women's bodies manifests. For the record, I believe quite strongly that all our behaviours live somewhere in the intersection of learned and innate and if we want to be great humans we should interrogate it all and all the time!

To answer some of your questions ....

1. - No not at all. I would never be with someone who for which it did.

2. - The same as Viva. It would just come up.

3. - No, so far I've never been attracted to someone for which it would seem an issue.

4 and 5. - Actually no. Your self admitted hypocrisy answers this better than I can! Sex work is highly stigmatised and misunderstood. In a good relationship with mutual trust, communication and empathy there would be no need for someone to hide something like this. However if the other party brings their learned stigma and innate possessiveness to the table without a willingness for interrogation and self reflection (which Vinum, you clearly are open to!) then there can't be mutual trust, communication and empathy.

6. - Lol, yes! However I appreciate that you are even asking this. Self aware dudes are the future!

Last edited by aven frey (28-08-17 01:33:36)

_hyperballad_ · 30-08-17 03:28:05

-Does having videos of yourself masturbating on the internet effect your relationships with the men you are intimate with in any way?

Depends what you mean by intimate... I have had close male friends, go real weird on me upon me commenting on porn etc from a first person perspective. (and going on to explain that I have produced erotic content online) I think my ex was also kind of threatened by the work I did, but he was threatened by everything including my strong personality & sexual identity so being naked on the internet was a part of that.

On the other hand it has contributed positively to excellent & oh-so-dirty sexy times with my husband.

-At what point, if any, do you tell a man you are intimate with?

I'm assuming you mean intimate as in sexual intercourse? My husband was my best friend before we got together many moons ago so he knew alllllll about what I was doing. That said if I were to meet anyone else it shouldn't be a thing I need to 'tell' or confess - it has nothing to do with them.

-Has telling a man you are in an intimate relationship with caused problems? Or caused him to break up with you?

Not so much telling, but we made a little bit of footage together & it created a situation that could be best described as emotional blackmail when we broke up. We broke up for unrelated but very good reasons.

-If you are engaged to be married do you believe he has a right to know ?

I find this line of questioning really weird because I've never felt the stuff I've made for Feck is taboo. I've never ever hidden it from anyone. Obviously I don't have a jolly good chat about wanking on the internet with my MIL but that's actually mostly cos we don't really get along & she is the opposite of sex positive.

I can't comprehend a situation where I'd keep anything from my partner, he's my best friend & literally knows all my secrets.

If you can't be honest & tell the truth from the get-go with your partner then what's the fucking point?

-If you are already married do you think he has a right to know?

Why, cos by marrying this dude he now owns a slice of my sexuality? Nooooooope.

As I've written above, my definition of relationship precludes a situation where I'd be telling my significant other about the content I've made after the fact. They'd know about it soon enough & if it's an issue then that's their problem.

-Do you you feel these questions are coming from a position of patriarchal entitlement and/or privilege?

Yas. Men don't own the women they're with. When you're in a relationship or married to someone your entire sexual identity isn't bound to that one person. Sexual expression is personal, it can be shared & we can go deep with one another but I just don't think I'd fuck with anyone that was shitty about me creating erotic content for online spaces. That means friends too, I won't hang with shamey narrow minded people.

I think there's a very real stigma & notion that women who have made porn are somehow damaged good or shameful & it is total bs. This same stigma does not apply to men & I'd be very interested to hear how men who produce adult content find their relationships are affected.

Disclaimer: I have a monster head cold, hopefully my answers are coherent but my brain is mush so you're just gonna have to deal with it.

Last edited by _hyperballad_ (30-08-17 03:30:20)

_redbird_ · 30-08-17 08:59:19

While I (technically) understand why they feel that way, it always baffles me as to how someone can be jealous at the thought of someone else masturbating over images and videos of their partner when randos on the street, co-workers, friends etc WITHOUT DOUBT have had a wank whilst thinking about your partner. The real issue that people have with others participating in porn is that regardless of how ethical, consentual or well made it is, there still remains an "unclean" stigma. Having someone on the street look at your partner is one thing, but if that same person has nude images and videos circulating then they immediately become the whore who has no self-respect and is (obviously) going to cheat on you with several hundred men. I am of course making a hugely broad statement, but it's not far from the truth.

Last edited by _redbird_ (30-08-17 09:00:25)

#1 25-08-17 22:34:41

For All The World To See

#2 25-08-17 22:52:37

Re: For All The World To See

#3 26-08-17 00:14:23

Re: For All The World To See

#4 26-08-17 19:54:59

Re: For All The World To See

#5 27-08-17 19:01:17

Re: For All The World To See

#6 28-08-17 01:31:15

Re: For All The World To See

#7 30-08-17 03:28:05

Re: For All The World To See

#8 30-08-17 08:59:19

Re: For All The World To See

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