getting to know you (again!)

viva · 15-02-16 00:27:36

Hi everyone!

oh man this is so exciting.

Okay, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Viva. Hi! You can find my videos by searching my name. I used to be the Hostess around here, before Laney (HI LANEY!!), and I used to write the captions for the videos.

Well, I'm so excited to say that despite my physical body now existing far far away from the mystical lands of IFM HQ, my darling colleagues have asked me once again to write for IFM.

It's been a long year - I left Feck in March of 2015 to move back to the US, and I could not have anticipated what a wild ride it would be, in so many ways. There are many, many days when I miss so many things about working at Feck, especially the freedom of conversation and the easy sex-positivity of my co-workers and you members, here on the forum. The world outside is often surprised at frank discussions of sexuality and I found that people often felt uncomfortable or disapproving of me when I talk about sex. It's weird and sad. It means I talk about sexuality less and feel a weird kind of cause/effect shame when I do want to talk about it. I feel more inhibited and it's kind of bullshit!

So I'm really happy to be back now and get to hang around the forums and maybe get to be part of some smart and sexy conversations again. I'm also so happy to watch IFM videos and write for our contributors, and also just know what's going on in the IFM world (ps heads up, incredibly hot Strawberry duet incoming...)

Now, there was a time when I knew everyone around here, but things change fast online. So for those of you who are still around and remember me, could you please say hello so I know who's still here? And those of you I don't know, I would be so happy if you took the time to introduce yourself. Let's be friends

Laney, Aven, Richard and anyone else who's around, guys I have missed you all so much. yay <3 <3

viva · 15-02-16 00:29:21

omg my icon - wow it's been a long time since I saw myself like that.... *cough*

Billm61 · 15-02-16 00:52:28

Viva! Viva! Yea! You are missed

Laney · 15-02-16 02:41:48

Welcome back, Viva! <3 <3 You've been missed.

I'm really glad you've come back to hang out on the forum again. Sondrine has left the ISM assistant role to study photography, and HollyWood stepped in to take her place temporarily but is also doing video editing, some blurb writing and front of house stuff at the same time. So I've had to focus on keeping ISM running and not had a lot of time to contribute to the IFM forum lately.

Also, been feeling kinda lonely and not having a lot of sex lately, which makes it kinda hard to talk about sex on the internet!

viva wrote:

There are many, many days when I miss so many things about working at Feck, especially the freedom of conversation and the easy sex-positivity of my co-workers and you members, here on the forum. The world outside is often surprised at frank discussions of sexuality and I found that people often felt uncomfortable or disapproving of me when I talk about sex. It's weird and sad. It means I talk about sexuality less and feel a weird kind of cause/effect shame when I do want to talk about it. I feel more inhibited and it's kind of bullshit!

I feel you! It's so wonderful to be able to come in to work and talk about how you spent the weekend jerking off in every room in your house, or how you're enjoying watching the bruises from rough sex change colour and fade from day to day, or how you had your first GGG threesome last night. I take it for granted until I go out and meet new people and say something like "I tied myself up yesterday and masturbated for an hour thinking about standing on a dude" and they don't know how to react to that...

I'm reading Coming Out Like a Porn Star. Hearing stories from committed, sex-positive people is really comforting and inspiring. There are stories from a few Feck contributors in there as well which you might find interesting . What are you reading at the moment?

Monotreme · 15-02-16 16:59:25

So good to see you again, Viva, my favorite online crush. How odd to have a platonic crush on someone who works on a sex-positive site, but there you are.

viva · 15-02-16 21:02:47

haha indeed, someone's crush on me is platonic when they've seen me naked and in the throes of orgasm... should I be offended?

I'm so glad you're still around Monotreme.

Oh man Laney, I'm kind of in awe of that fabulous list... three girls fucking.. rough bruising sex.. tying yourself up to masturbate. That's all so amazing, so hot and so far from my reality right now. it's like you're a rock star of sexuality. I timidly wandered back to my Fetlife profile recently and even reading what I wrote there in my past life while I was with my ex and working at Feck, dazzled me, made me shy.

everything is changing all the time. I used to have lots of exciting sexual experiences and they were just fun and casual. I just wanted to have experiences. Now everything has more weight, I feel like a virgin in a way I never felt before - even when I was a virgin I was dying to 'lose it' ASAP - now I feel super shy and timid and unsure of how sex works or if I want it or what happens when I want it or.... but also, now I get really turned on in ways I didn't used to. Im a lot more sensually-bodied, for example I get wet now when before I struggled with that, I feel aroused more often, and I want like, sex, with my body, instead of more wanting attention or experience or cool stories or to be liked. and I think with a little more emotional growth I could even relax and trust enough to let someone make me cum (not something I'm really capable of as is...)

I broke up with my ex (right after we got married, oops) in Jan 2015. We were together like 7 years and I barely had sex with anyone but him during that time. Then I had a phenomenal love affair that lasted, by text or in person by flying ridiculous distances, right up until... well, kind of right now. September was the last time I saw him and got to feel like my sexy beautiful sensuous self. Now I don't know how to want that with anyone else. I'm single for the first time since I was 23 and I have no idea who I am, sexually or romantically.

sometimes I really wish I had a robot boyfriend, or else I really think about and dream about a sex professional who could create a safe space for me to be tender and melt into .. real people are real complicated. I really just want to be loved and touched, but there's a million complexities in between now and that.

It's odd to be so alone after so many years with one person.

it's interesting to think of all these people like me swiping on tinder and feeling lonely but choosy.. I did go on a 2nd date with a Tinder person though... he has white-frame glasses and he likes guinea pigs and puzzles. we pash in the streets and in his cute lil red 2-seater and he turns to me mid conversaton and says, "wow you are extraordinarily pretty." and then after a beat resumes what he was saying and I just sit there and blush but I like it. I dont know if this is love but I feel a little spark of my old self and my sexuality (even though I'm kind of scared of sex now) ....

I'm reading Blue is The Warmest Colour, it's really sad and beautiful. C'est une couleur chaude...

Billm61 · 15-02-16 22:59:48

Viva, what you feel ( and don't feel) is a normal reaction to losing a part of your life. It's like losing a limb. You know how it used to feel, but it isn't there any more. Unlike the limb, the sexuality will regenerate itself. But it will be different than before. Life does that to you. You have friends and they will help you find your new path. That's what we are all doing. It's good that you are back at least in spirit. I'm have known you in the throes of orgasm and consider you a friend. Probably not platonic but it's all good.

Monotreme · 16-02-16 14:09:40

Well, I lost my way after 27 years and yes, it's like losing a limb and yes, it grows back. You just have to find the right person and especially the right moments you make together. I got remarried last November and it has been amazing to see what my heart can feel after all these years of putting it in the refrigerator.

viva · 16-02-16 22:49:08

Thank guys. This period in my life is definitely something I never could have anticipated, but I think it's common to all of us - huge life changes are out of our control, inevitable as we grow and progress through life, and they have startling ripple effects. I think romance and sexuality are so intrinsically linked to our core personalities that of course, they are some of the first and deepest aspects of us to change.

I want to share something with you all. Yesterday, I had an impromptu 3rd date with the man with the white glasses. I asked him to come play board games with me at a nerdy game shop where you can drink beer. I'm kind of famous for talking a big game but always losing, this makes me laugh a lot and it means that playing games, I'm in fine form. I think he thought so too because after he kissed me in the street and we didn't want to stop. He pushed me up against a brick wall (!!) and felt me up under my clothes right there in public and it was so hot and felt so good. I finally tore myself away, gasping, and he drove me home and then we sat in his little mazda miata and fooled around pretty heavy. He grabbed my neck in this way that was just crazy hot and somehow gentle and authoritative at the same time and he rubbed my clit and fingered me there in the front seat of his car, ohhh my god it was so hot!! I sucked on his fingers and made him moan.

I'm not ready to have sex yet and it's perfect because neither of us have a good place to go, but I think he'll get us a hotel soon if we keep amping up.

I've never really let anyone like me - I always want to be in control, be the stalker, persue men and then play out this porno fantasy of what I think they want from girls.... because in this weird way I feel like its the least I can do in exchange for these pedestal men to pay attention to me. So this, someone really focusing on me, is so new. I'm just letting him like me and touch me and make me feel good. I'm kind of experiencing surrender, really, for the first time.

I'm glad I can come here and talk about it somewhere!

Monotreme I'm so happy you got remarried. It gives me hope. What I'm playing with now is really fun and exciting but it's so many light years away from the long term relationship I was in, or even the very passionate, tragic and dramatic love affair which came after. In this new world, I don't have any idea what love is or what it should be or can be any more...

Monotreme · 17-02-16 15:11:34

I am so happy to read about your experiences! Your last sentence is the only thing wrong, because in this new world, you have every idea what love is and you know how to get it. There will be rocky shores and some unseen reefs but I believe in the end, love wins out, if we let it.

viva · 17-02-16 21:08:30

Today I am not so sure and fun. I had my new friend over - we are both in temporary situations, so there was this idea we couldn't go to each other's houses. But last night we didn't want to stop hanging out but also tired of bars, restaurants. I am staying on a couch but it's in a little nook with its own closing door so I took him there and we watched sci fi shows, and cuddled and got naked, I still am not ready to have sex. but I went down on him, which is something I enjoy a lot. But there's things about his cock I'm not used to... he's circumcised, and a different shape and size... I want to be completely generous, sex-positive and always do the right thing but my feelings are not as kind as I wish I was! And now I'm trying to respect myself first before I consider the desires of others but it feels so weird and wrong. It would be much easier for me just to take care of him and make him so happy.

I couldn't come... I really thought I might be able to since he likes me and he's nice to me, so I was disappointed in myself. In the car we talked about food and her prefers comfort to delicacy and he doesnt like fennel or miso. His favourite vegetable is corn. How can I cook for him?

Still, there's a lot of really nice things. He's confident. I think he likes me a lot. I woke up feeling very confused. I feel like it's my job to give people what they want and make them happy, and intellectually I know that's not right but it's all so confusing! There are a lot of nice things about this guy but I just keep thinking about my ex. Isn't that cruel?

Today I think I'll respond to the kiss-emoji text he sent by letting him know I feel overwhelmed and I need time just not to think about him or anything at all.

Life is weird! I think it's why there's something so safe about this bubble of IFM for me and another reason why it feels good to come back. There's something about the bubble... the studio... the solitude of beautiful women allowed to be beautiful, alone, without any consideration in the moment for what a guy might think or do or need or want... and yet to be watched, to fall in the forest and make a sound. It helps me understand that being beautiful is not a promise.

Billm61 · 17-02-16 22:12:33

Viva, I think being in the role of pleasing men through IFM, became so familiar to you that it is your expectation of a relationship. That, and it is perfectly normal to have thoughts of your ex when you are with another man. It is normal and human to make comparisons.
Time, especially time alone is necessary to sort out those thoughts and emotions.
You are a very special lady. Love will come again, in its own time.
Bill
P.S. If I were a few years younger.....I would be competing for your attention.

viva · 18-02-16 07:01:09

Thanks Bill. I think IFM kind of represented the opposite, for me. Doing BA, and then IFM, helped me develop a sense of attention for myself, and for pleasing my own body, outside of the experience of being with men. The fact that the camera was there made me feel like I still existed, like I was being seen, and yet the whole point was to feel as much pleasure as possible all by myself. Suddenly, sexuality was about feeling pleasure, instead of giving someone else pleasure. I needed the cameras and the sense of being watched to help me bridge that gap, because my sexuality was and is so much linked to the idea of being observed or being something for somebody. And yet through doing this work, I developed the ability to carry on by myself when no one was watching me. It was like a bridge or a springboard for me, and I wouldn't have the orgasmic skill or abilities (multiple orgasms, patience, tenderness with myself) that I have now without IFM!

I still love to do IFM shoots (or would, if I was still near Feck...) but I don't need it the way I did in the beginning. I know it sounds strange but it was like IFM was a masturbatory training ground for me. Before IFM, I considered orgasms sort of something I needed to learn to do in order to better please men. I specifically bought a vibrator and had my first orgasm at 18 just so I could be "liked" better by my lovers. With IFM I got to feel supported and seen while I learned that feeling good could be something actually important, not just for myself in context of others, but just for me.

Monotreme · 18-02-16 14:41:31

As Clive Gregson and Christine Collister remind us, Love is a Strange Hotel.

Dating is such a strange place, Viva. There were plenty of people I wanted to like but just couldn't, people that I liked that didn't like me that much, and every other possible combination of misfortune and failed communication.

But boy! when I found my now-wife, it was immediately obvious that some sort of chemical reaction had occurred.

Give yourself permission to be wrong. Give yourself permission to be right. Give yourself permission to be unsure.

viva · 18-02-16 20:21:57

Did you do online dating? I met this guy on Tinder... I don't think online dating is bad but it doesn't fit with my tragi-romantic image of myself! But perhaps thats just another thing to let go

also about the permission - thank you. That's the whole thing, isn't it....

Monotreme · 18-02-16 22:21:31

Yes, I met my wife online. I did a lot of online dating. Not Tinder, because it skews younger than my desired demographic (I am a close follower of the "half your age plus seven" rule, which puts my youngest datable women in the mid-30s).

viva · 22-02-16 04:03:54

I told the nice boy thank you and goodbye. Life is weird.

Meanwhile, I kind of made this thread the Viva show but I still do wish anyone would come by and say hi.... I miss the days when these forums were hopping. I wonder how we can get back there! Now more than ever I would love to have this be a place where people feel safe to share, discuss, compare and explore mainly cause I totally want that for myself.

Monotreme · 22-02-16 14:59:40

Viva, I just ordered seeds for my garden. Just sayin'. :-)

viva · 22-02-16 21:37:01

oh man is it that time again? Our garden thread was epic...

ThatIndividual · 23-02-16 00:28:59

This place used to pop? That's cool. I have definitely been the most recent comment in 3 or so of these forums before...

viva · 28-02-16 23:03:20

oh man we can do this! if you're curious about anything ifm or viva related I can totally chat about that, also we can discuss all sorts of questions and thoughts about sex and sexuality...

Billm61 · 29-02-16 01:26:29

So Viva, are you writing the captions again?

viva · 29-02-16 01:37:45

I am Do you like them?

ThatIndividual · 29-02-16 21:37:12

viva wrote:

I am Do you like them?

I almost reported viva...woops! (misclick)

Yes, your captions have been really good at letting me know what's going on but tastefully.

Billm61 · 01-03-16 02:10:13

viva wrote:

I am Do you like them?

Yes I do. You have a very personal style. I like that you comment about things that you find interesting or arousing. Your openness and sexuality comes out in a nice way.

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