Desire vs Arousal

Piper_A · 28-07-20 07:42:54

I'm really curious about how different people experience attraction on here. For me, I have always been sexually attracted to women and have been able to develop attraction off physical appearance alone, but my attraction to men is different - it's not physical, it's emotional, and it's romantic. I find that I can't feel sexually attracted to men unless I have developed a strong emotional bond first, and so the more I know somebody, the more my desire for them grows.

IFeelMyself is so different to mainstream porn sites for a lot of reasons, but I especially really appreciate that each woman does a profile video, we get an opportunity to speak about ourselves, what makes us tick, our loves and passions. The masturbation videos themselves are also so raw in that there's no 'stage directions', it's all about us just behaving and feeling pleasure in our own unique ways.

Do you find that the profile videos significantly enhance your attraction to certain women? Do you feel like there are non-sexual things that you notice about women on here that increase your attraction to them?

I personally spend a lot of time thinking about how I might be perceived on the other side - what people think about when they see my videos on here, and how they feel about me.

Because my only sexual experiences with a partner have been with one man who I love and am loved by very deeply, I think this impacts how I assume I am viewed by others. It is strange to imagine that people might see me as a purely sexual being, and that people might be attracted to my body without first knowing my mind. I definitely like to imagine that people aren't just watching me for sexual pleasure, but also to get to know me. I like to imagine that people watching me are falling in love with me. That people might appreciate the little noises I make and the movements of my body in a way that is more akin to endearment than lust - more about desire than pure arousal.

This may seem like an odd question to raise in a forum on a porn site!! Haha. I am just so curious as to whether you experience desire in a way that is fluid and ever-growing, or if it is moreso the raw, sexual arousal that hits you straight away when you see a person that turns you on.

I definitely experience both, in different ways, with people of different genders. It's all about context too, I suppose - for example, if i'm watching some cheesy PornHub nonsense, i'm just looking for something/someone I find hot. But if i'm watching IFM, i'm pushed to look for more than that. I'm pushed to find beauty in more than just the shape of someone's body.

(Also really interested to hear opinions from other contributors too!) <3

privignus · 28-07-20 23:47:51

The video profiles are the best! I learn so much on IFM about how people can have fun in bed / on a work bench / beside the road / ... and with each other and how different bodies work.

I think that a lot of people want to know someone before they get intimate with them. I think some porn people are using their social media to build emotional connections with fans. Boundaries on social media can be tough though And these sites are like the lottery in 1984: everyone hears stories about someone somewhere who got rich and famous through them, but the people they know just pay in and pay in and get nothing but bullying in return.

Monotreme · 29-07-20 16:19:28

Piper, I want to respond in a meaningful way because it's such a beautiful and thoughtful question you've asked. I am a neuroscientist who studies the emotional responses of the brain as a sort-of "hobby" and so what you're asking is (I think, as an outsider) "the" question in the field.

It's (of course) really, really complicated and I'm also a former English major and just for me, I prefer the metaphorical approach to the scientific one for this particular question. When I met my current wife, the attraction was immediate and chemical and spiritual and physical and overwhelming, like being hit by a rogue wave on the beach.

I've also noticed that there's not a single piece of literature that properly describes sex acts as I experience them, which makes me think that the physical side of sex is ineffable and internal. Sort of like the theory we don't have memories before we have the language to express them. We can't describe sex because there is no language of sex beyond the very limited "do that" or "don't do that" or "that's nice".

I could go on and on but I'll just close by saying that reading your question has made me more interested in you and added a dimension to my physical attraction as well as what I can glean from the profile video. You might find a post from me, several years ago, where I asked if other subscribers watched the profile video first. I don't do it all the time, but when I do, it's a different experience than if I just go straight to the contribution.

Does that all make some sort of sense? I hope so. I just love that you started this discussion.

privignus · 29-07-20 17:57:32

I also like the videos which are just 'girl talk' and imagining how some of the more ravenous contributors like Lucy_P find their latest partner. How does that conversation which ends "so I think you are really cute and I would like to do things to you on camera" go?

Or what about watching porn because the people in it are having so much fun? Joy is infectious.

There was an earlier thread about self-insertion in porn, and whether people imagine themselves with the people in the video.

_hyperballad_ · 31-07-20 03:05:01

Thank you for posting such a thought provoking topic Piper. It's been rattling around in my brain for a few days now & I have some thoughts.

There is an intensity to the attraction I feel to women, if I am physically attracted to a woman I get so flustered, I can't talk or if I do it comes out so dumb. I can count on one hand the number of times I have felt that particular kind of attraction to men though. The results were hilarious. The stupidest things to ever leave my mouth were said to this one guy Jules, who I could barely look at he was so beautiful. This was a very long time ago though! I used to be all physical attraction when I was younger, then I went in the other direction & was all personality for a while, now I think it's really varied, but somewhere much more in the middle.

I have noticed since I've been actively exploring non monogamy that there are certain things about men that can get my blood pumping, at the moment hands really do it for me, big, strong hands. Mostly I just try to be open to experience attraction & arousal in whatever form it occurs. I want to be tuned into my mind & body as much as possible & pick up whatever is being laid down. This also is important from a safety perspective too!

In terms of how I am perceived, it took time but I completely let go of trying to shape the viewers perception of me. That process first began when I 'redid' my Lucubration here on IFM. I was slut shamed a lot growing up so I had these really rigid ideas about how I was supposed to be in a space like ifeelmyself. I think I felt my sluttiness detracted from the beauty & artfulness here... Over time I healed my own sex negativity, trauma & shame. I understood that that shit wasn't my baggage to carry. I also went from really just wanting to be seen & witnessed to being a heap more discerning about my image, where I put it & how I presented myself. But those discernments were all about me & the lens through which I wanted to share my sexuality.

It's interesting though. Sometimes I am so comfortable in being wholly objectified, but I've realised more & more that in order to enjoy that objectification I have to feel very safe first. In order to let go & uncurl the entirety of my slutty self I need to trust who I am experiencing that with. I think that's why I had such an enduring run of producing solo content, it has been such a brilliant vessel to express myself, my sexual identity & my sensuality.

I wonder what all of this stuff will feel like when I'm in my 40's? Everything has evolved for me so many times over already!

The way I experience my body & pleasure is fluid & ever expanding, but I don't think I fully noticed the way I experienced external desire/arousal changing too. Thank you for posting about this again, Piper. I like the way you make me really think about my inner processes.

Ps. I definitely do notice all of the little things in your IFM's, there is so many different things that make up your beauty x

alsbosilver · 31-08-20 21:58:50

Of course the profile is fundamental in knowing the person you are going to see masturbating, because masturbating is not a mechanical gesture, it is a gift of oneself, a gesture of love towards oneself and the others when it is shown. Alas, I am French and I do not understand spoken English easily and unfortunately there is no translation system on IFM. (No subtitles even in English, which would allow you to read quietly) Worse, the some French people who do their interview, start a few words in French and then continue in English. I have a cruel feeling that I am missing something very important by not understanding ...

Sadoraan123 · 01-09-20 14:25:28

I've mentioned this in a couple of other comments on the forums, but I have found that I experience desire or arousal differently from most others i've talked to.

I experience attraction and I experience arousal, but not desire. Which is why for me, places like IFM are perfect. What I mean by this is when I watch a video like IFM or somewhere else, I recognize that the woman is attractive, I love the form of the female body and I am aroused by female sexuality but I don't experience any sexual desire towards them. I don't imagine myself having sex or doing something sexual with that person, it's almost like it's more of an intellectual curiosity than a sexual desire. Like I find the difference in each woman's sexuality fascinating, but not something I want to participate in.

The same applies to "real life" as well. I have some sort of sexuality in the sense that I feel arousal, but that doesn't manifest itself in any desire to have sex with someone.
It's really interesting how there is so much variance in the ways we each experience attraction and desire, I think in a societal context, it is only in the last few decades that we really opening up about our attractions and seeing people feeling comfortable and free to express themselves completely, i'll be interested to see how our understanding of human attraction changes in the future.

viva · 02-09-20 00:47:33

I have a similar feeling when I watch girls masturbate Sadoraan! Cause I'm pretty straight. If the world was only women, I would think I was asexual. I wonder if there's a single person out there, or a being in the cosmos, that would make you feel the way men make me feel - and you just haven't encountered them yet?

Sadoraan123 · 02-09-20 02:47:00

I'm not sure! It's something that i've thought about definitely. I feel like I have all the elements within me for that to happen, but they just don't quite connect together haha.

I can form great emotional relationships with people, i've got amazing friends and people around me, but that never translates into a sexual desire.
Then on the flip side, when I have had sexual experiences, I feel the physical sensations (which are nice) but that doesn't translate into whatever the emotional experience/connection is others feel.
I think in some ways you are an antithesis to me Viva. Watching your videos, you experience such a heightened emotional connection to sexuality, as if how you experience arousal/desire is strongly linked to your emotional state at the time (Or at least that's how i've interpreted things!).

Maybe the above is pretty standard and how a lot of people experience arousal, but it's really fascinating to watch for me, because it's very different from my own experience.

viva · 02-09-20 02:59:27

Oh, I think you're right about that. Sexuality and arousal are highly emotional for me.

#1 28-07-20 07:42:54

Desire vs Arousal

#2 28-07-20 23:47:51

Re: Desire vs Arousal

#3 29-07-20 16:19:28

Re: Desire vs Arousal

#4 29-07-20 17:57:32

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#5 31-07-20 03:05:01

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#6 31-08-20 21:58:50

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#7 01-09-20 14:25:28

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#8 02-09-20 00:47:33

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#9 02-09-20 02:47:00

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#10 02-09-20 02:59:27

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